Blank Mind

I haven't been writing lately and I was wondering if I have really stopped daydreaming, thinking of the future, wallowing in self-pity or contemplating the past days. But I haven't. I know I haven't. I still spent hours just staring at my ceiling, my reviewers beside me, forgotten for a couple of hours. I still spent hours watching tv, then thinking of what I did yesterday and the day before that. I still spent valuable conscious effort in not wallowing in self-pity when I see couples everywhere I go and discussing future wedding arrangements of my friend. And lastly, I still daydream about a future. A future filled with travelling, teaching, children and love.



All of these I still do. What I can't do, for the life of me, is sift through my countless non-sensical thoughts and write down something contemplative and make sense of just one essay a day. I can't and since I don't feel like writing then I just don't do it.



I am still afraid, my life seeming to stop momentarily for now, until maybe after the exam day. If I passed, I'll be the happiest girl alive. If I don't, I have to re-think all I'm doing for the past year. What really is my purpose in life?



That is another story for another day. My mind went blank again. Just like that. When I don't want to feel, and I don't want to think of something too closely, it closed off and think of happier thoughts, willing my whole body to forget something so negative and concentrate on more pleasant things.



It's time to read a book again. I'll think I'll start with 'Eleven Minutes' or 'Neverwhere'. Whatever.