Feelings Inside

SHOW YOUR FEELINGS. It takes too much energy not to.



People often play games because we live in a world where stories are better left untold and secrets and being mysterious are revered. And I hate it. I hate the fact that I'm participating daily in a world where people are encouraged to hide their feelings. From early on, we were told to BEHAVE. It really means, you should keep quiet and sit alone in the corner, holding all your thoughts and feelings inside. It was ingrained in all of us, that showing our feelings means misbehaving, or not being normal.



Guys may not believe this, but I know women out there had, at some point came across the book "The Rules". It is a guide to how women should behave in order to go get themselves a man. It also tells of how easy men are to manipulate. It listed rules like, 'Don't talk to a man first!' (Hah! And here I am, having animated conversation with a gasoline boy about Mad Max). It even tells you to be rude and never call a man nor accept a date on a moment's notice. (Blah!) In short, it tells you to be secretive, to be mysterious, and not to show what you're really feeling. I can't believe that I've broken all of the rules listed in there twice or thrice over! And it has the gall to point out at every chapter that breaking the Rules means you'll never get a man. I haven't gotten the courage yet to show my male friends the book because it shows and tells of how low women are willing to go in order to get a man. That's their phrase...get a man! Gah! And we're in the 21st century!



And I don't care if I grow old alone, without a man by my side, just because I didn't follow the damn 'Rules'. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I've won like some cheap prize in a baranggay contest just because I've followed those misbegotten Rules. Yes, it will be painful and the biggest slap on my face, if they were telling the truth after all, that a man cannot be won without the Rules, but it will be even more painful if I keep my true self hidden underneath. (And who would want a man who could easily be manipulated by those Rules?)



Dr. Phil once said in Oprah that hiding one's true self, or your feelings is like holding a balloon underwater for as long as you can. That balloon symbolizes your feelings, your true self, trying to bob up and the effort you put in trying to keep it underwater is how much effort you're giving everyday of your life if you're hiding behind a mask, hiding your feelings.



A friend of mine has managed to keep her love hidden for a guy friend for almost 3 years. I couldn't believe it. I would probably go crazy and sooner or later, I'll either wallop his head with a bat or bang my head on a big rock if I try to keep my feelings inside for more than a month! Well, she is much stronger than me, for sure. Sometimes, people just baffle me with how much we are willing to endure.



Even people who keep their anger and despair and anguish inside. It is the most sadistic, most agonizing torture I could think of. Everyday, we see people bottle up their anger, their dissatisfaction, unhappiness and despair to keep up appearances, following the rules of society. It reminds me of a phrase a friend said, 'a trainwreck waiting to happen'. Walking nervous breakdowns, mostly concentrated in Makati. And what's most unfortunate is that it happens everyday, to all of us. Even I am forced to live by the rules. Some rules are meant not to hurt other people, and that's okay.



Well, I'm just a lazy person at heart. I tend to think that there are more important things to do, than putting my efforts in hiding my feelings. I can put all my energy into something more productive than slowly giving myself a heart disease by hiding what I feel bottled up inside me.



But I believe that to live life fully is like playing the piano. You have to know the rules. Then, you need to forget the rules and play with your heart.



*Still a re-post, still can't write, still desperate and still panicky, all for different reasons...wah!