Mean Girls

I thought I’d let it pass, just not talk about it and not write about it (especially here) because it's the past and what can I do about it? She may also say that it's nothing really, but it's not nothing to me, and since this is about my life, I'll write about it. It also helps me get rid of my baggage when I write about it and exhaust all my issues.



I know some people don’t see me as anything but serious. She will say that she never knows when I'm serious or not. And that is terribly unfair. They see a clown that makes fun of everyone and you can make fun of me too. But I think that when people get to know me, they’ll see I’m as insecure as everyone else, perhaps more so. Talking about my insecurities helps me a lot in that it lessens the burden of carrying it alone. Because although I try hard to laugh at life's downside, everybody who has read what I wrote here can see that my thoughts and my life are all serious to me.



I was hurt yesterday because I told a friend of mine all my insecurities and I thought she understood that those are serious to me, (obviously since I wasn't the type to be serious about anything, so if I turned serious, then it must really be serious), and it hurts because she told me that she tells other people about those insecurities as if they're talking about the weather. Thank you very much for treating my issues so lightly, it passes the time of lunch and makes for small conversation. Thank you for recognizing the fact that if I wanted my insecurities and issues broadcast I will email everybody and tell them myself. I hope my biggest fears in life were entertaining to them, because that's what I felt like. It's much worse than making fun of me, physically. I can handle that, I'm used to that. Besides, everybody can see what everybody looks like. But everybody doesn't know my issues, and I thought I tell it to some really good friends who won't entertain other people brandishing how pathetic my life is, while everybody in the audience makes sad faces. I'll do it in Oprah if that's what I want. And if ever someone's going to make fun of my issues, then let it be me. It hurts when your friend does it to you. And that’s not high expectations from a friend. Those are just basic assumptions between friends: you just don’t make fun of your friend’s fears in life.



I began to think of the times I talk about other people, and if I do talk about them to other people, where it passes the time, and entertains my audience. But going that road will be just justifying myself. And saying I’m not mean, because more often than not, I really am being mean. The thing is, I don't pretend to be nice. My closest friends are often surprised that they can count on me when they have problems and that I keep my mouth shut when I needed to.Adding salt to the wound, she probably doesn't know that she hurt me. She'll be confused and wondering what she did that hurt me so. Well, probably because it's my fault. I act like a clown, as if nothing can touch me. Bully for me, that I have feelings like everyone else. She doesn't know. She's clueless. She thought I was there to entertain, and all my private fears are for everybody's entertainment too. Like some little bits of trivia, no one really cares to know anything about, until someone brought it up. Well, do you know that Elaine is like this? Yeah, she really is. Sad really. Hmm, and what was that about you know who? And they all move on to the next topic.



And they said I was mean.