Second Gear

"Have you ever felt your life is stuck in second gear?" a line goes in the Friends song, as far as I can remember.



That's should be the theme of my life right now. I feel like, no matter how hard I try to speed up, take action, I just can't shift to third or fourth gear, or my whole life will break down. I'm passed the impatient, stressful state. I'm now in high gear panic. It is literally seeing all your other friends, driving their cars, all of them just passing you by.



One major concern in my life is that I am, by our society's definition, an old maid. A true blue, honest-to-goodness old maid. One that has never had a boyfriend or in a serious relationship her whole life. You don't know how many hours, days, months, or even years I've spent just thinking 'what the hell is wrong with me?' Of course, being me, I always come to the conclusion that it's not me, it's the men in this country. Or just to be precise, the men I meet.



I see an ordinary-looking girl my age, already with a family of her own, not exactly having more going for her than me by comparison, except that she sleeps at night, comforted by the fact that she is loved, and she's never going to have to endure another round of questioning of the 'just when are you going to get married?' type.



And it's not just the I'm-now-an-old-maid issue, (although that occupies my thoughts half of the time.) It's also my trek to fulfilling my dreams. I have many dreams. I am a dreamer. My head is always in the clouds. And one of my dreams is to become a teacher. I want to become a teacher. I dreamt of becoming one. I don't know what possessed me to take Business instead of Education but that's just it. I finally found the courage to leave the corporate world, with all its perks, and pursue one of my dreams, and I find that it's even more difficult than I imagined it would be.



It's not the studies. Nor the demands of the teaching profession (which demands teachers to be 'perfect' creatures, if students were to be believed, really) that is grating my nerves. It's the long trek to becoming one.



That's why I'm so afraid and uncertain, because now everything matters. I have to take the board exams and all my dreams hinges on the outcome. I hate that. I hate having no alternative path. Maybe there is one. But for now, I can see none. And I have to thread carefully. Wanting something very badly makes you impatient, yet at the same time, hesitant to be reckless and stupid, for one wrong move and all your dreams may come falling down.



All of these are making my head aches. And my heart aches. And these negative thoughts are throwing me into stress or panic modes and I hate it all the more. It's a vicious cycle and I desperately want it to stop.



I'm the only one who can stop the car since I'm the one driving, controlling my life.



I just pray that the Lord will enlighten me, to follow my own path, in my own pace. Not to always look at the other drivers in the street, and trying to race. Not to plan my life, based on their driving skills, but mine.



After all, we all have different destinations. And I'm the only one who can say when I have finally reached mine.