Quicksand

It has finally found me. I feel like running away and hoping I can hide again and take comfort in the relatively safe haven of material things that surrounds me. But I know that I can’t. I’ve been through that. I’ve been running away since I quit my first job, and I got over my first real broken heart, but no. It has found me again.



My fears.



It has caught up with me, seemingly taunting me with dreadful notions of things to come. My stomach tightens and ties up in knots whenever I think of those outcomes and as fearful as I am, my emotions tend to go spiraling downwards. A vicious cycle I cannot seem to control. I’m afraid of the future, but I’m also dreading that being afraid makes me more vulnerable to negative events.



I’ve become a worrywart.



Sod that! I don’t want to be consumed by fear and be troubled by worries all the time. Pressure is something I’ve lived with all my working years and I’ve been subjected to all kinds. And have time and time again, triumphed over it. I used to thrive on pressure. It gets me going, it keeps me from being bored. Yet this kind of pressure (actually two kinds of pressure) is not something I have any control over. Gah!



Sometimes, I feel like I can’t breathe. That I’m suffocating with the incessant fear of the worst scenarios I can almost see happening. Then, I’ll be grasping at straws, any little thing that can bring comfort and soothe my fears a little for I also dread that I’m attracting negative forces to me. Shit! Never mind vicious cycles, this is more like falling into a quicksand.



Or more like drowning in deep waters with nothing to hold on to.



Or being locked in an empty cupboard, with no lights on, no key and no way to breathe.



This is not a simple pressure. This is no ordinary fear. I need to find a way out of this. I need to get a grip on myself and face this head on. I need to get out of this --- whatever this situation maybe, to get my life back on track. I’m not a fearful person. I thought I just fear cockroaches of all sizes and shapes and flying abilities, but again, this is no ordinary fear.



I will pray now. I need to get that strength again that only He can provide. Only He can help me get out of this mess I’ve hurtled myself in. I don’t know why I haven’t seen it before. Maybe because I’m too blinded, too pressured and too consumed by my own fears.



He, of course, is just waiting for me to come to my senses.