I remember my 25th birthday. I'm already in my 3rd company in 4 years of working, and have enjoyed being quite the Makati yuppie that I was then. Smashing, really, except for the quarter-life crisis that everyone at that age was going through.
Now that I look back, I wanted to be twenty-five forever. It is the best time of every girl's life. Not too young, but not too old. Not inexperienced, yet still innocent in a lot of ways. Not naive, but never too cynical. Turning 26 was the probably second to the most difficult time a woman is going to have. It is second only to turning 30, and still a Singleton. The distance between 26 and 25 is like the distance between New York and the Far East. Once you're 26, you became cynical, cannot pretend to be innocent, too old for the 24-year-old man, being paired with the 37-year-old man, and already a candidate for earning a certificate on being an old maid.
In celebration of my sister's 25th birthday today, here are the 10 best things about being 25:
1. You can be a drama queen and don't have to worry that you're too old for that stuff.
2. You can question your existence, achievements and ask where-am-I-going questions, and it is just okay because everyone is going through the same crisis.
3. You can take your time in choosing between the guy who loves you and the guy you love without your parents worrying if they'll ever get a grandchild from you.
4. You can act coy and innocent and it will still be considered cute. But beware the next year because it will already be otherwise.
5. You can spend all your money on yourself without a care in the world. Go to the spa every month. Travel to Boracay with your friends. And spend a P500 lunch with your officemates. It's okay. You're just being...25.
6. You can wear trendy clothes and you will still be admired and looked upon as trendy and not 'trying hard'.
7. You can forget about being carefree and be careful and plan for the future and it will still be all right. Remember, you can do anything when you're 25.
8. You can stay up all night with friends, whether it is just coffee, movie, dinner or party, and not worry about lines appearing on your face. People nearing 30 (i.e. me!) should already take care of their skin conscientiously.
9. Be paired with guys who're 20 to 30. It’s the perfect age to choose whether you want a guy younger than you are, or older than you are. At 26, you're guy age range go up to 26 - 35. Believe me, it’s not for girls like me who like younger looking guys. Except if they look like those Hollywood stars that looks like 10 years younger than their age. But I'm digressing...
10. Last but not the least; it's a whole 5 years more before you turn 30. You more time to get your life in order before the big three oh.
But hey, what's with being 30, right? No big deal. (Yeah, right. Sooner or later, I can convince myself). No, really, it's not that big a deal. Especially since enjoying your life and living it to the fullest does not require any ID or birth certificate, asking you what your age is. You just got to do it, whatever age you're in. Grab life with both hands, and enjoy the ride, whether you're 25 or 45.
Hmmm, but I'm still wistful about being 25 again.
HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY, SIS!
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
STD
Life is a sexually transmitted disease. - ANON
Quotes like these send me into giggling fits (if I am still allowed to have giggling fits at age 27), because it's funny, witty and smart all at the same time. I wish I can find a man like like that. But okay, we're not talking about men, we're talking about life. And it being a sexually transmitted disease.
I'm having a thought. Does this mean that everyone of us affects each other's lives? I believe so. We cannot live our lives without having an effect on another's. We cannot go on living and dwelling in this world without causing another's actions and thereby changing someone else's life.
I like those tv shows where people have to go back or go forward in time. Then, there will be all kinds of rules, like nobody is supposed to see you and no event should be affected. It's funny because the very fact that someone LIVED in the past or in the future for even a day can cause some major changes in the timeline already. It's laughable to think that they can do that and do not affect the past or the future. Of course it will. Just a minute of talking to someone from the past, a security guard perhaps, in your futuristic language can already change the guard's perception on things. Wouldn't you think so?
I haven't pondered on quotations for sometime now, maybe because I haven't exactly feel like writing about some quote. But this really is good. It just stresses the point that no one can claim to be invisible in this world of ours. There are billions of people on this planet, yet each one of us has an effect on at least another person on earth. If that isn't a cause for wonder, I don't know what is.
So, I can stay here in my room all day, not interacting with my sister or with my parents and I know that sooner or later one of them will come knocking on my door. I can make all the noise here and our neighbors would not be able to sleep. I can drive alone in my car, yet every second I'm driving in the street causes other drivers to react. Ah, the wonders of living. How can someone feel alone in this crazy world, I don't know.
But sometimes I do feel alone, not right now, but sometimes. And it is good to be reminded that by just LIVING, I am never alone. One can never be alone.
I believe God made us with that in mind. That we will never feel so alone. That even if we can't feel Him with us, He'll still be there through other people.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease. You don't need literally to have sex with someone who is living to be affected, although that probably is sharing life to its utmost meaning. Just goes to say that life is contagious, all you need is to not be afraid of intimacy. Intimacy with other people.
Uhm, what's my point on all these? Ah, yes. That we should not be afraid to live our lives to the fullest...that's the only way to live, after all.
Quotes like these send me into giggling fits (if I am still allowed to have giggling fits at age 27), because it's funny, witty and smart all at the same time. I wish I can find a man like like that. But okay, we're not talking about men, we're talking about life. And it being a sexually transmitted disease.
I'm having a thought. Does this mean that everyone of us affects each other's lives? I believe so. We cannot live our lives without having an effect on another's. We cannot go on living and dwelling in this world without causing another's actions and thereby changing someone else's life.
I like those tv shows where people have to go back or go forward in time. Then, there will be all kinds of rules, like nobody is supposed to see you and no event should be affected. It's funny because the very fact that someone LIVED in the past or in the future for even a day can cause some major changes in the timeline already. It's laughable to think that they can do that and do not affect the past or the future. Of course it will. Just a minute of talking to someone from the past, a security guard perhaps, in your futuristic language can already change the guard's perception on things. Wouldn't you think so?
I haven't pondered on quotations for sometime now, maybe because I haven't exactly feel like writing about some quote. But this really is good. It just stresses the point that no one can claim to be invisible in this world of ours. There are billions of people on this planet, yet each one of us has an effect on at least another person on earth. If that isn't a cause for wonder, I don't know what is.
So, I can stay here in my room all day, not interacting with my sister or with my parents and I know that sooner or later one of them will come knocking on my door. I can make all the noise here and our neighbors would not be able to sleep. I can drive alone in my car, yet every second I'm driving in the street causes other drivers to react. Ah, the wonders of living. How can someone feel alone in this crazy world, I don't know.
But sometimes I do feel alone, not right now, but sometimes. And it is good to be reminded that by just LIVING, I am never alone. One can never be alone.
I believe God made us with that in mind. That we will never feel so alone. That even if we can't feel Him with us, He'll still be there through other people.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease. You don't need literally to have sex with someone who is living to be affected, although that probably is sharing life to its utmost meaning. Just goes to say that life is contagious, all you need is to not be afraid of intimacy. Intimacy with other people.
Uhm, what's my point on all these? Ah, yes. That we should not be afraid to live our lives to the fullest...that's the only way to live, after all.
Free Time
The problem with having lots of free time is that you don't exactly know what to do with it. I have a list in my head of what I should do for each day just to use up my free time before the boards. I should be checking in on my health (check), going to the dentist (check), going back to the dentist (well, i haven't made an appointment yet), and praying a Novena (planned, but still uncertain whether it's to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, which is just nearby or St. Jude, for truly desperate women like me.)
Include the daily monitoring of what I eat, and my daily physical activity so as to keep myself from being extremely bored. Of course there is the daily chapter review for my boards, which really just takes up an hour and a half each day. Add to that are the routines of everyday, opening emails, writing blogs, chatting with friends, reading Harry and Draco fanfiction and daydreaming about Eminem, and I will suddenly realized that it's already the week after next.
Gah! I hope I'll find something new to spice up my everyday free time.
Include the daily monitoring of what I eat, and my daily physical activity so as to keep myself from being extremely bored. Of course there is the daily chapter review for my boards, which really just takes up an hour and a half each day. Add to that are the routines of everyday, opening emails, writing blogs, chatting with friends, reading Harry and Draco fanfiction and daydreaming about Eminem, and I will suddenly realized that it's already the week after next.
Gah! I hope I'll find something new to spice up my everyday free time.
Monday, June 28, 2004
Histrionic
I've read an article about my favorite writer in a UP website and since I really relate to all her writings, I decided to take the quiz she mentioned in the article. She said she's a HISTRIONIC, a personality disorder. Guess who else is a histrionic? Your guess is as good as mine. ;-)
HISTRIONICS:
Histrionic personality disorder involves a pattern of excessive emotional expression and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, that usually begins in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention
2. interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
3. displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
4. consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
5. has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail
6. shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion
7. is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances
8. considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are
It's confirmed. I'm really a nutcase. In my amateur-psychologist way, I can now see where all of these came from. Lack of attention during childhood leading to underachieving school years (Yeah, right. Blame the 3-time 99.1-taker to a personality disorder rather than to frequent visits to SM City), and fear of intimacy (bwahahaha, that last bit will be denied vehemently to all who will quote me.)
Now, those of you who knows me will know if I'm really histrionic or not. I believe I exhibit 5 of the abovementioned characteristics but not more than that.
Well, I didn't know that they have a 'medical' term for people like me. I thought I just like it when people are laughing at my jokes, and I'm the only one talking. I thought I'm just a drama queen, set out to conquer the real world with her big and small moments. I thought I was just a gal who likes to have it all, attention and everything else. And here I thought I'm the only one who can be sexy, provocative and insanely drawing attention to herself by using these methods. What's more, I really believed that some relationships are more serious than I thought. Well, I was corrected then. And maybe rightly so.
I should be embarrassed to write these down. But I'm not. A true histrionic, I love it that these people can describe me quite accurately (5 out of 8 is quite accurate). I love it that they have a medical term for me. I love it that I have a new way of describing myself really. And most of all, I love that I have something new to talk about myself even if it's a personality disorder.
Others may be ashamed to admit to their own personality disorders. Others may feigned disbelief and vehemently goes into self-denial. Well, not the histrionics of the world. Everyone has a quirk, or a flaw. And I like that mine is just the love of being the center of attention, and not obsessive-compulsive tendencies, or a strong desire to steal, or even having a case of multiple personalities.
Now I know how I will sound intellectual next time they asked me to describe myself...'I'm a bit of a histrionic, really.'
Beats saying 'I'm an attention whore, really.'
HISTRIONICS:
Histrionic personality disorder involves a pattern of excessive emotional expression and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, that usually begins in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention
2. interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
3. displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
4. consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
5. has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail
6. shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion
7. is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances
8. considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are
It's confirmed. I'm really a nutcase. In my amateur-psychologist way, I can now see where all of these came from. Lack of attention during childhood leading to underachieving school years (Yeah, right. Blame the 3-time 99.1-taker to a personality disorder rather than to frequent visits to SM City), and fear of intimacy (bwahahaha, that last bit will be denied vehemently to all who will quote me.)
Now, those of you who knows me will know if I'm really histrionic or not. I believe I exhibit 5 of the abovementioned characteristics but not more than that.
Well, I didn't know that they have a 'medical' term for people like me. I thought I just like it when people are laughing at my jokes, and I'm the only one talking. I thought I'm just a drama queen, set out to conquer the real world with her big and small moments. I thought I was just a gal who likes to have it all, attention and everything else. And here I thought I'm the only one who can be sexy, provocative and insanely drawing attention to herself by using these methods. What's more, I really believed that some relationships are more serious than I thought. Well, I was corrected then. And maybe rightly so.
I should be embarrassed to write these down. But I'm not. A true histrionic, I love it that these people can describe me quite accurately (5 out of 8 is quite accurate). I love it that they have a medical term for me. I love it that I have a new way of describing myself really. And most of all, I love that I have something new to talk about myself even if it's a personality disorder.
Others may be ashamed to admit to their own personality disorders. Others may feigned disbelief and vehemently goes into self-denial. Well, not the histrionics of the world. Everyone has a quirk, or a flaw. And I like that mine is just the love of being the center of attention, and not obsessive-compulsive tendencies, or a strong desire to steal, or even having a case of multiple personalities.
Now I know how I will sound intellectual next time they asked me to describe myself...'I'm a bit of a histrionic, really.'
Beats saying 'I'm an attention whore, really.'
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Quicksand
It has finally found me. I feel like running away and hoping I can hide again and take comfort in the relatively safe haven of material things that surrounds me. But I know that I can’t. I’ve been through that. I’ve been running away since I quit my first job, and I got over my first real broken heart, but no. It has found me again.
My fears.
It has caught up with me, seemingly taunting me with dreadful notions of things to come. My stomach tightens and ties up in knots whenever I think of those outcomes and as fearful as I am, my emotions tend to go spiraling downwards. A vicious cycle I cannot seem to control. I’m afraid of the future, but I’m also dreading that being afraid makes me more vulnerable to negative events.
I’ve become a worrywart.
Sod that! I don’t want to be consumed by fear and be troubled by worries all the time. Pressure is something I’ve lived with all my working years and I’ve been subjected to all kinds. And have time and time again, triumphed over it. I used to thrive on pressure. It gets me going, it keeps me from being bored. Yet this kind of pressure (actually two kinds of pressure) is not something I have any control over. Gah!
Sometimes, I feel like I can’t breathe. That I’m suffocating with the incessant fear of the worst scenarios I can almost see happening. Then, I’ll be grasping at straws, any little thing that can bring comfort and soothe my fears a little for I also dread that I’m attracting negative forces to me. Shit! Never mind vicious cycles, this is more like falling into a quicksand.
Or more like drowning in deep waters with nothing to hold on to.
Or being locked in an empty cupboard, with no lights on, no key and no way to breathe.
This is not a simple pressure. This is no ordinary fear. I need to find a way out of this. I need to get a grip on myself and face this head on. I need to get out of this --- whatever this situation maybe, to get my life back on track. I’m not a fearful person. I thought I just fear cockroaches of all sizes and shapes and flying abilities, but again, this is no ordinary fear.
I will pray now. I need to get that strength again that only He can provide. Only He can help me get out of this mess I’ve hurtled myself in. I don’t know why I haven’t seen it before. Maybe because I’m too blinded, too pressured and too consumed by my own fears.
He, of course, is just waiting for me to come to my senses.
My fears.
It has caught up with me, seemingly taunting me with dreadful notions of things to come. My stomach tightens and ties up in knots whenever I think of those outcomes and as fearful as I am, my emotions tend to go spiraling downwards. A vicious cycle I cannot seem to control. I’m afraid of the future, but I’m also dreading that being afraid makes me more vulnerable to negative events.
I’ve become a worrywart.
Sod that! I don’t want to be consumed by fear and be troubled by worries all the time. Pressure is something I’ve lived with all my working years and I’ve been subjected to all kinds. And have time and time again, triumphed over it. I used to thrive on pressure. It gets me going, it keeps me from being bored. Yet this kind of pressure (actually two kinds of pressure) is not something I have any control over. Gah!
Sometimes, I feel like I can’t breathe. That I’m suffocating with the incessant fear of the worst scenarios I can almost see happening. Then, I’ll be grasping at straws, any little thing that can bring comfort and soothe my fears a little for I also dread that I’m attracting negative forces to me. Shit! Never mind vicious cycles, this is more like falling into a quicksand.
Or more like drowning in deep waters with nothing to hold on to.
Or being locked in an empty cupboard, with no lights on, no key and no way to breathe.
This is not a simple pressure. This is no ordinary fear. I need to find a way out of this. I need to get a grip on myself and face this head on. I need to get out of this --- whatever this situation maybe, to get my life back on track. I’m not a fearful person. I thought I just fear cockroaches of all sizes and shapes and flying abilities, but again, this is no ordinary fear.
I will pray now. I need to get that strength again that only He can provide. Only He can help me get out of this mess I’ve hurtled myself in. I don’t know why I haven’t seen it before. Maybe because I’m too blinded, too pressured and too consumed by my own fears.
He, of course, is just waiting for me to come to my senses.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Cruel Intentions
Do people really hurt the ones they love?
She's a strong-minded career 27-year-old woman. Smart, friendly and sexy, she should be someone's ideal girl right? She does love someone. He is sweet, caring, loving and thoughtful. He's also smart, and he's also friendly. And he does seem to love her too.
But he has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend all along and they are now planning to get married. And she doesn't know how it all came to this. This heart wrenching pain that grips her soul every time he pleads with her not to let go. The pain, so severe, that sometimes she just wants to say, 'what the heck, I want to be happy, never mind what others will say'.
She's well past that stage. Before it came to all of these, she has been through that. Against all her friends' advices, she continued to have this relationship with someone who seems to love someone more than he loves her. But she thought he's changing his mind. If there is probably a prayer she whispered daily, it's that he would love her more than he does the other girl. So she continued to understand, and she continued to just be there, wishing with all her being that he changed his mind. She thought she's succeeding.
But of course, it was all at the surface. Deep down, he's still choosing the girlfriend over her. He still loves someone who was in another country more than her who is with him constantly. Whenever the girl comes back to visit, his world stops for her. And she was cast aside until the girlfriend is gone and he's going to come crawling back to her side.
It sounds so cruel, especially now that the situation is different. Now that the two are planning to get married. And it sounds doubly cruel because the he wouldn't let her go, and he wouldn't let the fiancée go either. He said he's not going to let her go.
I don't know what it feels like to be her. It would be so easy to judge her, calling her stupid and not using her mind enough. It would be so easy to judge him, calling him cruel for doing this to her and his girlfriend, trying to keep them both. It would be so easy to tell them both that they are being selfish and not thinking of each other. It would be so easy. Yet I never take the easy path.
I don't like to judge because I too would like to hold on as long as I can if I find someone I can love. I would also wish and pray that he change his mind. I would also go down on my knees and ask the Lord to tell me what to do and to let me have the will to do it. I, too, would like to have it all, have my cake and eat it too. They maybe cruel intentions to our eyes, but who are we to judge really?
And we are all like that. We all have some of that in us. And we have no right to judge when are guilty of the same thing. But although I understand what she's going through, and am guilty of it sometimes, I always remind myself to love someone else does not mean demeaning myself. That giving it all does not mean not leaving something for myself at all.
Oh well, only she can decide now what to do. He has already decided what path to take and she has to decide how to react. It's easy to say what we will do in her place, but the thing is, we are not she, and we can only have an inkling of what she's going through.
Do people really hurt the ones they love? Boy, some people really do love us a lot then eh?
She's a strong-minded career 27-year-old woman. Smart, friendly and sexy, she should be someone's ideal girl right? She does love someone. He is sweet, caring, loving and thoughtful. He's also smart, and he's also friendly. And he does seem to love her too.
But he has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend all along and they are now planning to get married. And she doesn't know how it all came to this. This heart wrenching pain that grips her soul every time he pleads with her not to let go. The pain, so severe, that sometimes she just wants to say, 'what the heck, I want to be happy, never mind what others will say'.
She's well past that stage. Before it came to all of these, she has been through that. Against all her friends' advices, she continued to have this relationship with someone who seems to love someone more than he loves her. But she thought he's changing his mind. If there is probably a prayer she whispered daily, it's that he would love her more than he does the other girl. So she continued to understand, and she continued to just be there, wishing with all her being that he changed his mind. She thought she's succeeding.
But of course, it was all at the surface. Deep down, he's still choosing the girlfriend over her. He still loves someone who was in another country more than her who is with him constantly. Whenever the girl comes back to visit, his world stops for her. And she was cast aside until the girlfriend is gone and he's going to come crawling back to her side.
It sounds so cruel, especially now that the situation is different. Now that the two are planning to get married. And it sounds doubly cruel because the he wouldn't let her go, and he wouldn't let the fiancée go either. He said he's not going to let her go.
I don't know what it feels like to be her. It would be so easy to judge her, calling her stupid and not using her mind enough. It would be so easy to judge him, calling him cruel for doing this to her and his girlfriend, trying to keep them both. It would be so easy to tell them both that they are being selfish and not thinking of each other. It would be so easy. Yet I never take the easy path.
I don't like to judge because I too would like to hold on as long as I can if I find someone I can love. I would also wish and pray that he change his mind. I would also go down on my knees and ask the Lord to tell me what to do and to let me have the will to do it. I, too, would like to have it all, have my cake and eat it too. They maybe cruel intentions to our eyes, but who are we to judge really?
And we are all like that. We all have some of that in us. And we have no right to judge when are guilty of the same thing. But although I understand what she's going through, and am guilty of it sometimes, I always remind myself to love someone else does not mean demeaning myself. That giving it all does not mean not leaving something for myself at all.
Oh well, only she can decide now what to do. He has already decided what path to take and she has to decide how to react. It's easy to say what we will do in her place, but the thing is, we are not she, and we can only have an inkling of what she's going through.
Do people really hurt the ones they love? Boy, some people really do love us a lot then eh?
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Dreaming Forbidden Dreams
I haven't been feeling proud of myself lately. It's not that I'm feeling ashamed of myself or anything, it's just that, I FEEL that there's nothing really significant going on in my life right now. No job, no money, no great social life, and no significant other yet and not in the near future either. My so-called Blah life. There's me, always looking for that little something so I can still write and looking at God's everyday blessings to have something to live and be thankful for.
BUT...and here's my eye opener for the day, I came across an article written by a UP student, aptly entitled 'Forbidden Dreams'. He said he's currently studying business - well, talk about parrarelism -- but he's secretly dreaming of becoming a teacher and a writer.
There it was. My eyes slightly misted, because I can really relate to what he's feeling. Follow society's dictates, listen to your brain and it's telling you to get that degree which will get you a more lucrative job. Then, my chest swelled with pride, because I did it. I am no longer dreaming forbidden dreams, I am working my way to fulfilling mine.
I know it's going to be hard for him to walk the road less traveled. I've known and dreamt forever of becoming a teacher and I always knew that I wanted to write and publish my own book someday - whether it's a trashy novel or a self-help book, who knows? -- but I turned my back on dreams, and tried to immerse myself in the corporate world, which I would say, is an utter failure. Yes, I did get that lucrative job. Yes, I did get that high salary, higher than most people my age are getting. But no, I'm not that happy with what I'm doing. I was never exactly fulfilled.
But if not for these experiences, I wouldn't have the courage to work my way towards my dreams. Until now, I'm stumbling and walking blindly, afraid and uncertain, but still holding on to those dreams. So, I know he'll also have to go through his own experiences in the corporate world. Experience for himself the shallow satisfaction of high salaries and luxuries it gives a person, when he already knows what he wants. He has to go through all of that, in order to have the strength to turn his back on those and pursue his dreams. I hope he finds his way years from now.
As for me, I realized that I have something to be proud about. I had the courage to pursue my forbidden dreams. I don't know what the future holds, I just know that I'm no longer dreaming of secret dreams. I may not have everything, but I, at least, can look forward to the fulfillment of my dreams.
BUT...and here's my eye opener for the day, I came across an article written by a UP student, aptly entitled 'Forbidden Dreams'. He said he's currently studying business - well, talk about parrarelism -- but he's secretly dreaming of becoming a teacher and a writer.
There it was. My eyes slightly misted, because I can really relate to what he's feeling. Follow society's dictates, listen to your brain and it's telling you to get that degree which will get you a more lucrative job. Then, my chest swelled with pride, because I did it. I am no longer dreaming forbidden dreams, I am working my way to fulfilling mine.
I know it's going to be hard for him to walk the road less traveled. I've known and dreamt forever of becoming a teacher and I always knew that I wanted to write and publish my own book someday - whether it's a trashy novel or a self-help book, who knows? -- but I turned my back on dreams, and tried to immerse myself in the corporate world, which I would say, is an utter failure. Yes, I did get that lucrative job. Yes, I did get that high salary, higher than most people my age are getting. But no, I'm not that happy with what I'm doing. I was never exactly fulfilled.
But if not for these experiences, I wouldn't have the courage to work my way towards my dreams. Until now, I'm stumbling and walking blindly, afraid and uncertain, but still holding on to those dreams. So, I know he'll also have to go through his own experiences in the corporate world. Experience for himself the shallow satisfaction of high salaries and luxuries it gives a person, when he already knows what he wants. He has to go through all of that, in order to have the strength to turn his back on those and pursue his dreams. I hope he finds his way years from now.
As for me, I realized that I have something to be proud about. I had the courage to pursue my forbidden dreams. I don't know what the future holds, I just know that I'm no longer dreaming of secret dreams. I may not have everything, but I, at least, can look forward to the fulfillment of my dreams.
Hiatus
It has been four or five days since I last posted an entry. I haven't been busy, I have just been lounging around in the house, and just not feeling that there is anything significant or noteworthy that I can write about.
Well, except perhaps that my mom just turned 55. And there I was, hoping and wishing that at 55, my life would just be all right as it is with my mom. Then, there was Father's Day, and my dad clamoring for attention, as he is wont to do every year. And I remembering thinking, are we so self-absorbed the rest of the year that my dad has to resort to tactics in order to get our attention? What the heck happened to children trying to gain their parents attention? The tide has turned and it's now the opposite. And I feel a little guilty of not paying attention to my parents especially now that they are getting older...well, just a little. I'm a middle child and there's too much baggage here, and it's really ironic that the black sheep of the family -- me--- will be the only one left with the parents. Hmmm, some say it's only fitting.
Since I cannot write about me doing nothing but sleeping, eating and reading, I have to note how great the feeling is selling my mom's goodies again. Although I feel a little guilty because it's Liza who's selling it, I sold the idea to Liza. He He. Pushy me. It still feels good to hear from Liza the positive reviews and comments from the buyers.
I guess my hiatus has some worthy life notes as well. Come to think of it, we'll just have to look for that little extra in our ordinary lives.
Well, except perhaps that my mom just turned 55. And there I was, hoping and wishing that at 55, my life would just be all right as it is with my mom. Then, there was Father's Day, and my dad clamoring for attention, as he is wont to do every year. And I remembering thinking, are we so self-absorbed the rest of the year that my dad has to resort to tactics in order to get our attention? What the heck happened to children trying to gain their parents attention? The tide has turned and it's now the opposite. And I feel a little guilty of not paying attention to my parents especially now that they are getting older...well, just a little. I'm a middle child and there's too much baggage here, and it's really ironic that the black sheep of the family -- me--- will be the only one left with the parents. Hmmm, some say it's only fitting.
Since I cannot write about me doing nothing but sleeping, eating and reading, I have to note how great the feeling is selling my mom's goodies again. Although I feel a little guilty because it's Liza who's selling it, I sold the idea to Liza. He He. Pushy me. It still feels good to hear from Liza the positive reviews and comments from the buyers.
I guess my hiatus has some worthy life notes as well. Come to think of it, we'll just have to look for that little extra in our ordinary lives.
Friday, June 18, 2004
Libran
Libra, symbolized by the Scales, is a Cardinal Air sign. Ruled by Venus, Libra is cultured, refined, stylish, and has a great love of beauty. Libras have a very strong sense of justice (Scales of Justice) and balance. In their quest for harmony they will always look at both sides of an issue. They hate conflict and will avoid it at all costs, to the point that they are often perceived as indecisive. Partnerships are extremely important to Libra – they feel most complete when they are in a secure stable relationship. An Air sign, Libras are excellent communicators and need to be appreciated for their ideas. They are charming, social beings who do well at cocktail parties.
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Hahaha! They call me manlalait, but it is only a great love of BEAUTY. hehe. I know I am a social being, but not only for cocktail parties. And I'm anything but indecisive. Although, I do exhaust all sides of an issue, until my friends' ears fall off. Ah, but I am in love with love, that much is true. I do believe we Librans are in seventh heaven when in love. It's what we live for.
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Hahaha! They call me manlalait, but it is only a great love of BEAUTY. hehe. I know I am a social being, but not only for cocktail parties. And I'm anything but indecisive. Although, I do exhaust all sides of an issue, until my friends' ears fall off. Ah, but I am in love with love, that much is true. I do believe we Librans are in seventh heaven when in love. It's what we live for.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Complications
I have been just dragged by Rhea and Liza to watch "All My Life", and we girls get to talk for 30 mins after. In that amount of time, I asked myself...Why is it not enough that two people love each other to be able to be TOGETHER?
Well, I just wondered...
Well, I just wondered...
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Smile
SMILE
CHARLIE CHAPLIN - (from the movie 'Modern Times')
Smile, though your heart is aching,
Smile, even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky,
You'll get by, if you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining thru for you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Although a tear maybe ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worth while,
If you'll just smile.
====
I've just watched Oprah with Barbra Streisand and she said that she included this song in her Movie Album because she loves this song from Charlie Chaplin's movie (which believe it or not, I've seen partially in I don't remember what channel), and she sang this to her dog when she needed to put him to sleep.
It broke my heart. It reminded me of my Chewy. It isn't the time yet for Chewy to be put to sleep, but I hope, when the time comes, amidst crying, I can smile after. Even weeks after.
It is the perfect song to put in here. A perfect ending to this day, which had one good little surprise for me after another, making me smile. It is also a perfect song for me, because I'm usually one who smiles at the oddest of moments. When I'm sad, when I'm crying and when I'm literally down in the dumps, I smile. Maybe hoping the sun will shine on me the next day. If not, then, maybe if I smile some more, the day after that.
Smiling just brings forth all the good feelings in life, all the light, especially needed when someone is in the dark. Like right now, when I'm feeling hopeless, and afraid and uncertain of the future, I keep on smiling.
Who knows what my smile will bring tomorrow? At least for now, at this moment, I'm smiling and there is happiness.
CHARLIE CHAPLIN - (from the movie 'Modern Times')
Smile, though your heart is aching,
Smile, even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky,
You'll get by, if you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining thru for you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Although a tear maybe ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worth while,
If you'll just smile.
====
I've just watched Oprah with Barbra Streisand and she said that she included this song in her Movie Album because she loves this song from Charlie Chaplin's movie (which believe it or not, I've seen partially in I don't remember what channel), and she sang this to her dog when she needed to put him to sleep.
It broke my heart. It reminded me of my Chewy. It isn't the time yet for Chewy to be put to sleep, but I hope, when the time comes, amidst crying, I can smile after. Even weeks after.
It is the perfect song to put in here. A perfect ending to this day, which had one good little surprise for me after another, making me smile. It is also a perfect song for me, because I'm usually one who smiles at the oddest of moments. When I'm sad, when I'm crying and when I'm literally down in the dumps, I smile. Maybe hoping the sun will shine on me the next day. If not, then, maybe if I smile some more, the day after that.
Smiling just brings forth all the good feelings in life, all the light, especially needed when someone is in the dark. Like right now, when I'm feeling hopeless, and afraid and uncertain of the future, I keep on smiling.
Who knows what my smile will bring tomorrow? At least for now, at this moment, I'm smiling and there is happiness.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
The Sky is the Limit
Damn that cable company!
I was looking forward to the American Idol episode tonight since I wasn't able to see it on ABC 5 when it was shown before the finals. I was looking forward to a night of music appreciation, just listening to Fantasia's voice singing me to open-mouthedness. But no, life always gives you the unexpected. This f---ing cable company cannot perform their services well. Grrr!!!
So there we were, in my brother's room. Amidst the toys, and wailing of two children, listening to Fantasia.
It's not American Idol. It's not missing Fantasia's great singing. It's not even watching TV in comfort. It's that we PAID for services to be rendered and it's certainly not forthcoming! I mean, what kind of services are we getting in this country?!? We expect this from the government, but from private firms? GAH!
This is certainly the limit. Tomorrow is our primetime TV day. Charmed and CSI. I will certainly cross my fingers that HOME does one-day cable installation.
I was looking forward to the American Idol episode tonight since I wasn't able to see it on ABC 5 when it was shown before the finals. I was looking forward to a night of music appreciation, just listening to Fantasia's voice singing me to open-mouthedness. But no, life always gives you the unexpected. This f---ing cable company cannot perform their services well. Grrr!!!
So there we were, in my brother's room. Amidst the toys, and wailing of two children, listening to Fantasia.
It's not American Idol. It's not missing Fantasia's great singing. It's not even watching TV in comfort. It's that we PAID for services to be rendered and it's certainly not forthcoming! I mean, what kind of services are we getting in this country?!? We expect this from the government, but from private firms? GAH!
This is certainly the limit. Tomorrow is our primetime TV day. Charmed and CSI. I will certainly cross my fingers that HOME does one-day cable installation.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Me, Myself and I
I sometimes feel a little guilty about telling my friends to love themselves because I should sometimes listen to my own advice.
It may sound cliche and overused, but really, learning to love yourself is the hardest thing to do, often overlooked and always taking a backseat. We feel that doing everything for love means giving everything to the person. We often find ourselves molding our personalities and character around the person whom we love and sadly, we lose ourselves in the process.
Like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, we dress up the way they want us to. We listen to the music that they like. If they like sports, we start taking tennis lessons to be involved. If they hate pop, we hide all our Britney Spears album and buy jazz cds. If they like pasta, we bloat ourselves with bad carbohydrates. We soon find ourselves without friends other than that of theirs. Their friends are the only friends that we can call our own for we don’t hang around our friends and instead spend all our time with their friends. We begin to like what they like and hate what they hate.
We forget our own values, principles, beliefs and religion and start to adopt their own. We just conveniently forget ourselves.
What makes it more sad is that it always backfires. It's always not enough. We always ask ourselves, what more can we do? I have given everything, and more, but it is still not enough. Well, we haven't exactly done everything. We forget the most basic of all rules - we didn't love ourselves first.
Since I have never done any of these for another person, I thought I’m not like this. But I realized that sometimes, (yes, only sometimes, for I am too stuck in my own ways to change my personality and character to accommodate someone), I’m also guilty of not loving myself enough. I am always looking for true love. But sometimes, I don’t think that I am worthy of that one big, great love. That’s why he, wherever he maybe, can’t find and love me. For even I don’t think I am that lovable. That is really what we are saying when we lose ourselves. That our own self is not worthy, for we give it up easily.
How can they love someone, when that someone doesn’t know who himself or herself anymore? The person we want them to love is lost. We have become a satellite and we made them our earth. Unfortunately, we often think losing ourselves to love is the right thing to do. We believe that we give it out of love. Bah! I wonder why some people don’t get tired of giving everything and not leaving anything for themselves, because I can imagine that it is tiring. And it will take its toll on you.
I thought this was going to be a short entry for I don't like lecturing myself. But after everything I’ve been hearing around me, I think it’ll be worth it to not only remind myself, but others as well.
Well, here's a question for all of us…
How can anybody love you the way you want to be love, when even you don't love yourself enough?
It may sound cliche and overused, but really, learning to love yourself is the hardest thing to do, often overlooked and always taking a backseat. We feel that doing everything for love means giving everything to the person. We often find ourselves molding our personalities and character around the person whom we love and sadly, we lose ourselves in the process.
Like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, we dress up the way they want us to. We listen to the music that they like. If they like sports, we start taking tennis lessons to be involved. If they hate pop, we hide all our Britney Spears album and buy jazz cds. If they like pasta, we bloat ourselves with bad carbohydrates. We soon find ourselves without friends other than that of theirs. Their friends are the only friends that we can call our own for we don’t hang around our friends and instead spend all our time with their friends. We begin to like what they like and hate what they hate.
We forget our own values, principles, beliefs and religion and start to adopt their own. We just conveniently forget ourselves.
What makes it more sad is that it always backfires. It's always not enough. We always ask ourselves, what more can we do? I have given everything, and more, but it is still not enough. Well, we haven't exactly done everything. We forget the most basic of all rules - we didn't love ourselves first.
Since I have never done any of these for another person, I thought I’m not like this. But I realized that sometimes, (yes, only sometimes, for I am too stuck in my own ways to change my personality and character to accommodate someone), I’m also guilty of not loving myself enough. I am always looking for true love. But sometimes, I don’t think that I am worthy of that one big, great love. That’s why he, wherever he maybe, can’t find and love me. For even I don’t think I am that lovable. That is really what we are saying when we lose ourselves. That our own self is not worthy, for we give it up easily.
How can they love someone, when that someone doesn’t know who himself or herself anymore? The person we want them to love is lost. We have become a satellite and we made them our earth. Unfortunately, we often think losing ourselves to love is the right thing to do. We believe that we give it out of love. Bah! I wonder why some people don’t get tired of giving everything and not leaving anything for themselves, because I can imagine that it is tiring. And it will take its toll on you.
I thought this was going to be a short entry for I don't like lecturing myself. But after everything I’ve been hearing around me, I think it’ll be worth it to not only remind myself, but others as well.
Well, here's a question for all of us…
How can anybody love you the way you want to be love, when even you don't love yourself enough?
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Stuck In A Rut
More than the thought of not seeing my friends anymore, it is more sad to think that everybody seems to think that the country is stuck in a rut and that it has no hope of getting out of it. What makes it more hopeless are Filipinos who think this way. What makes the Philippines more worthy of pity is that its own citizens seems to think that everything in other country, whether it is really better or not, is better than anything else this country can offer.
I see every bad thing that they see, and probably more. I also dream of earning more money abroad or travelling the world. But I cannot imagine leaving this country for good. I cannot imagine not seeing the jeepneys again, no matter that some view them as evil. I cannot imagine not seeing everything that is dear and familiar to me ever again. I cannot imagine calling myself any other thing besides a Filipino.
That's just me. No, really. That's just me. I think every one of my friends would rather be called by other name than a Filipino. I wonder why they think it's better to be called an American, where everyone thinks you're a Filipino trying hard to fit in anyway, than to have your own country to speak of. Or maybe they don't want to remain a Filipino but never set foot on this country again. Well, what's the use of retaining your citizenship if you dislike your country that much?
Gah. I'm not talking about this just because it's Independence Day. It's just perfect timing to talk about this, because everywhere you look, they are preparing to leave the country. Even I, wanting to become a teacher, is being encouraged to get it over with as soon as possible so that I can leave the country.
I see no point in rattling on about it. I see no point at all. It's going to fall on deaf ears anyway. I just want to express my sadness over the fate of this country whose own people doesn't seem to want to help in getting it out of that rut.
I see every bad thing that they see, and probably more. I also dream of earning more money abroad or travelling the world. But I cannot imagine leaving this country for good. I cannot imagine not seeing the jeepneys again, no matter that some view them as evil. I cannot imagine not seeing everything that is dear and familiar to me ever again. I cannot imagine calling myself any other thing besides a Filipino.
That's just me. No, really. That's just me. I think every one of my friends would rather be called by other name than a Filipino. I wonder why they think it's better to be called an American, where everyone thinks you're a Filipino trying hard to fit in anyway, than to have your own country to speak of. Or maybe they don't want to remain a Filipino but never set foot on this country again. Well, what's the use of retaining your citizenship if you dislike your country that much?
Gah. I'm not talking about this just because it's Independence Day. It's just perfect timing to talk about this, because everywhere you look, they are preparing to leave the country. Even I, wanting to become a teacher, is being encouraged to get it over with as soon as possible so that I can leave the country.
I see no point in rattling on about it. I see no point at all. It's going to fall on deaf ears anyway. I just want to express my sadness over the fate of this country whose own people doesn't seem to want to help in getting it out of that rut.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Deep Water
You find yourself falling down
Your hopes in the sky
But your heart like grape gum on the ground
And you try to find yourself
In the abstractions of religion
And the cruelty of everyone else
And you wake up to realize
Your standard of living
Somehow got stuck on survive
When you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
And when you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love
You wake up to realize your only friend
Has never been yourself or anyone who cared in the end
That's when suddenly everything fades or falls away
Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains we've made
--- Written and Vocals by Jewel Kilcher
(from the album Spirit)
It's just that sometimes I feel this way about life and it takes a lot of faith to be optimistic...
Your hopes in the sky
But your heart like grape gum on the ground
And you try to find yourself
In the abstractions of religion
And the cruelty of everyone else
And you wake up to realize
Your standard of living
Somehow got stuck on survive
When you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
And when you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love
You wake up to realize your only friend
Has never been yourself or anyone who cared in the end
That's when suddenly everything fades or falls away
Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains we've made
--- Written and Vocals by Jewel Kilcher
(from the album Spirit)
It's just that sometimes I feel this way about life and it takes a lot of faith to be optimistic...
Wednesday, June 9, 2004
Fear Factor
I didn't get to write yesterday because I thought there was nothing really to write about. But then, I realized that in our everyday life, there is always something to write about, especially since it's my life, isn't it? It should be interesting, least of all to me.
The whole day, I was trying to review and know the extent of my entire scientific knowledge. I was afraid because the result was that I forgot every single fact and information from grade school to high school that I learned about biology, chemistry and physics. I don't even know the difference between meiosis and what's-the-other-one. And I haven't the faintest idea of the laws of thermodynamics. I'm really in hot water in this one. And the more I don't remember, the more I got afraid, the more I forget. Does that makes sense?
Then, after watching CSI last night, I talked to Liza and I told her my thoughts on her current situation. Hesitant and afraid of her reaction, I scrambled for better words. I am usually frank and direct and subtlety, in my case is not exactly the same as it is in most people. Needless to say, afterwhich, I was feeling like I should apologize for not minding my own business. But as usual, I feel that as a friend, I should give her another perspective on things. No matter how much I want her to be happy, I don't want her to get hurt in the future either. Maybe, I just fear of bursting any happy bubble that she has.
Well, that's just me, justifying my being nosy and tactless.
During one of my serious speeches, a cockroach crawled into my arm and promptly stared at me afterwards. Needless to say, nothing could be heard but me screeching, staring at the huge, creepy crawly that can scare the living daylights out of me more than anything else in the world. Thank goodness my sister was there to the rescue. I nearly forgot that Liza was still on the other line.
Last in this long day of fear staring at me in the eye, was when Liza and I were discussing sex, or more importantly, my lack of experience thereof. Well, I will not discuss it here, for fear of offending your sensibilities.
Whew! What a day yesterday had been. I wonder what's in store for me today?
The whole day, I was trying to review and know the extent of my entire scientific knowledge. I was afraid because the result was that I forgot every single fact and information from grade school to high school that I learned about biology, chemistry and physics. I don't even know the difference between meiosis and what's-the-other-one. And I haven't the faintest idea of the laws of thermodynamics. I'm really in hot water in this one. And the more I don't remember, the more I got afraid, the more I forget. Does that makes sense?
Then, after watching CSI last night, I talked to Liza and I told her my thoughts on her current situation. Hesitant and afraid of her reaction, I scrambled for better words. I am usually frank and direct and subtlety, in my case is not exactly the same as it is in most people. Needless to say, afterwhich, I was feeling like I should apologize for not minding my own business. But as usual, I feel that as a friend, I should give her another perspective on things. No matter how much I want her to be happy, I don't want her to get hurt in the future either. Maybe, I just fear of bursting any happy bubble that she has.
Well, that's just me, justifying my being nosy and tactless.
During one of my serious speeches, a cockroach crawled into my arm and promptly stared at me afterwards. Needless to say, nothing could be heard but me screeching, staring at the huge, creepy crawly that can scare the living daylights out of me more than anything else in the world. Thank goodness my sister was there to the rescue. I nearly forgot that Liza was still on the other line.
Last in this long day of fear staring at me in the eye, was when Liza and I were discussing sex, or more importantly, my lack of experience thereof. Well, I will not discuss it here, for fear of offending your sensibilities.
Whew! What a day yesterday had been. I wonder what's in store for me today?
Tuesday, June 8, 2004
Girlfriends
This is girlfriends day.
From midnight last night, I'm talking to one of the girls. It's already past ten and I'm just waiting for my other girlfriend to log on to chat. Definitely girlfriends' day.
Sometimes, people think they live simple lives. A nice, boring, steady life that isn't worthy of front page news. But as I listened to the everyday stories of my girlfriends, I began to wonder if this is really so. On the outside, we all look the same. We all act and we can assume that we are the same. Ordinary individuals, leading ordinary lives.
But we all have stories to tell. I have my own, and my girlfriends certainly have stories that can be made into a soap opera or a telenovela. Mine can't. I am not comfortable crying. Or being sad all the time. Mine will have to be a talk show. Probably like Oprah's. Wouldn't that be great! Everything I do, every emotion I feel, announced to the whole world in some big, dramatic, theatrical way. That is definitely my show.
I'm digressing. As usual.
I can't tell their stories right here, for I am bound to secrecy, and really, I don't really want to shock you all by my girlfriends' secret lives. Just a few things to take with me from all this girl talk...
...Be our own best girl friend.
...No regrets. No guilt trips.
...Look back, but always move forward.
...Seize every moment to be happy.
...In confusion, look for ways to have it all.
...In doubt, retrospection is key.
...In love, we always, always, choose to be.
I take note, because who knows, maybe someday these will be lifesavers.
From midnight last night, I'm talking to one of the girls. It's already past ten and I'm just waiting for my other girlfriend to log on to chat. Definitely girlfriends' day.
Sometimes, people think they live simple lives. A nice, boring, steady life that isn't worthy of front page news. But as I listened to the everyday stories of my girlfriends, I began to wonder if this is really so. On the outside, we all look the same. We all act and we can assume that we are the same. Ordinary individuals, leading ordinary lives.
But we all have stories to tell. I have my own, and my girlfriends certainly have stories that can be made into a soap opera or a telenovela. Mine can't. I am not comfortable crying. Or being sad all the time. Mine will have to be a talk show. Probably like Oprah's. Wouldn't that be great! Everything I do, every emotion I feel, announced to the whole world in some big, dramatic, theatrical way. That is definitely my show.
I'm digressing. As usual.
I can't tell their stories right here, for I am bound to secrecy, and really, I don't really want to shock you all by my girlfriends' secret lives. Just a few things to take with me from all this girl talk...
...Be our own best girl friend.
...No regrets. No guilt trips.
...Look back, but always move forward.
...Seize every moment to be happy.
...In confusion, look for ways to have it all.
...In doubt, retrospection is key.
...In love, we always, always, choose to be.
I take note, because who knows, maybe someday these will be lifesavers.
Monday, June 7, 2004
Knowing An Old Friend Anew
I spent the day in leisure. The weather seems to conspire with my bed in beckoning me constantly to lie down and burrow myself under the covers of my blanket. I had planned on getting something done, at least get in to review a chapter or two. Alas, the conspiracy gets the better of me.
Writing has always been a therapy for me. More than a therapy, it is an outlet for all the crazy, convoluted ideas running around in my head. It gives an illusion that I'm making more sense than I really am in reality. So, as usual, because I have just acquainted myself with this weblog, I spent the better of the day writing down my thoughts and reading my Pare's more than a month's worth of entries.
I have known Jerry since we were in Second Year College. But our friendship is such that we'll choose having a good time drinking beer and smoking instead of talking about serious things about life. We tell each other major updates in our life, and some minor ones, but not really our thoughts or feelings. That is not how our friendship has been defined.
Then, I read his weblog. When I first read his entries, I was surprised. Really surprised. I didn't know that he writes, and that he expresses himself well. It's surprising to find a guy, especially like Jerry who is such a --- well, such a guy, to be really expressive.
Being a poetry fan, I especially enjoy reading his short poems. Conveying much emotion, in so little words.
And some of his posts that pertain to mundane and monumental things in his life are very enlightening. I learned some things about my old friend that I didn't know before. At times, his posts are riveting, other times, entertaining. Most of all, it gives me the chance to get to know my old friend better. I think I learned more about him in those hours I was reading his entries, than the 9 years we've known each other.
I really hope all of my friends will take up to writing their feelings and thoughts. There is such joy and wonder in reading another person's thoughts and feelings because it gives you a brand new perspective on life. In my case, I saw a new side of an old friend.
I thanked him for letting me privy to his thoughts because I so enjoy reading his entries. He said he writes better when he's complicated. Well, I think he will never cease to be. And I wouldn't have my Pare any other way.
Writing has always been a therapy for me. More than a therapy, it is an outlet for all the crazy, convoluted ideas running around in my head. It gives an illusion that I'm making more sense than I really am in reality. So, as usual, because I have just acquainted myself with this weblog, I spent the better of the day writing down my thoughts and reading my Pare's more than a month's worth of entries.
I have known Jerry since we were in Second Year College. But our friendship is such that we'll choose having a good time drinking beer and smoking instead of talking about serious things about life. We tell each other major updates in our life, and some minor ones, but not really our thoughts or feelings. That is not how our friendship has been defined.
Then, I read his weblog. When I first read his entries, I was surprised. Really surprised. I didn't know that he writes, and that he expresses himself well. It's surprising to find a guy, especially like Jerry who is such a --- well, such a guy, to be really expressive.
Being a poetry fan, I especially enjoy reading his short poems. Conveying much emotion, in so little words.
And some of his posts that pertain to mundane and monumental things in his life are very enlightening. I learned some things about my old friend that I didn't know before. At times, his posts are riveting, other times, entertaining. Most of all, it gives me the chance to get to know my old friend better. I think I learned more about him in those hours I was reading his entries, than the 9 years we've known each other.
I really hope all of my friends will take up to writing their feelings and thoughts. There is such joy and wonder in reading another person's thoughts and feelings because it gives you a brand new perspective on life. In my case, I saw a new side of an old friend.
I thanked him for letting me privy to his thoughts because I so enjoy reading his entries. He said he writes better when he's complicated. Well, I think he will never cease to be. And I wouldn't have my Pare any other way.
Sunday, June 6, 2004
Of Wings and Roots
A friend just got reunited with his ex-girlfriend, and true to the form of first-meeting-after-break-up, I imagined he was thrown into confusion that left him reeling from the encounter afterwards.
Theirs is a common enough love story. Boy meets girl, boy pursues girl, girl falls in love and they lived happily ever after. In their case, ever after lasted for only a few years. Sounds familiar, right? I’d imagined it would be. There are so many stories, similar in themes, different characters, different settings, but the same ending. And the sad thing is, there is an ending.
What happens after the ending is where the stories finally take different twists for different people. In their story, my friend wanted to settle down, plant roots and prepare for a future with a wife that he loves and a family that adores him. Those are his roots, his wife and children. He believes he has everything to offer a future wife – travels to exotic cities and a bright future for their children, if any.
But then, the girl is waiting to get her wings. The girl is pursuing another path, different from his, and she’s eager and excited to get her wings so she can fly. She’s looking forward to a different kind of adventure. How far her wings can take her. How high she can fly. That is her future, already different from his. She might like to rest and be with someone who has roots for sometime, but if she has wings, it will be like tying a bird to a cage. She’ll get bored and restless and no matter how big and grand and expensive her cage is, she’ll still see it like it is, a cage. She is looking out at a different horizon than my friend who is seeing a different future for the both of them.
Truly, love is not gazing into each other’s eyes, but looking together in the same direction. The two of them are probably still madly in love with each other, but alas, they are threading separate paths to the their own life's destinations. One road is not better than the other, just different.
And that is the sad ending of this chapter in their story. Only they can tell when, if and how their story will really end.
But the thing is, my friend told me that both of them are sad and weary of love because theirs was perfect and yet they have fallen out of love. I told him that it was never perfect in the first place, and it’s surely not perfect now. It’s just that now the truth is so obvious in its clarity - it seems that they are not perfect for each other after all.
I don’t know how I can explain this more than I already did, but in a nutshell, if you found someone who’s perfect for you, then, true love is effortless, and it will never end. My friend is still quite baffled why two people seemingly perfect for each other should go through this much heartbreak.
In my opinion, how can a bird, which is looking forward to flying and exploring the horizon, be perfect with a person who would like to have lots of roots? I don't know what will happen for them in the future, who knows? But for now, they have reached a crossroad, and I think they have already chosen their separate paths.
Theirs is a common enough love story. Boy meets girl, boy pursues girl, girl falls in love and they lived happily ever after. In their case, ever after lasted for only a few years. Sounds familiar, right? I’d imagined it would be. There are so many stories, similar in themes, different characters, different settings, but the same ending. And the sad thing is, there is an ending.
What happens after the ending is where the stories finally take different twists for different people. In their story, my friend wanted to settle down, plant roots and prepare for a future with a wife that he loves and a family that adores him. Those are his roots, his wife and children. He believes he has everything to offer a future wife – travels to exotic cities and a bright future for their children, if any.
But then, the girl is waiting to get her wings. The girl is pursuing another path, different from his, and she’s eager and excited to get her wings so she can fly. She’s looking forward to a different kind of adventure. How far her wings can take her. How high she can fly. That is her future, already different from his. She might like to rest and be with someone who has roots for sometime, but if she has wings, it will be like tying a bird to a cage. She’ll get bored and restless and no matter how big and grand and expensive her cage is, she’ll still see it like it is, a cage. She is looking out at a different horizon than my friend who is seeing a different future for the both of them.
Truly, love is not gazing into each other’s eyes, but looking together in the same direction. The two of them are probably still madly in love with each other, but alas, they are threading separate paths to the their own life's destinations. One road is not better than the other, just different.
And that is the sad ending of this chapter in their story. Only they can tell when, if and how their story will really end.
But the thing is, my friend told me that both of them are sad and weary of love because theirs was perfect and yet they have fallen out of love. I told him that it was never perfect in the first place, and it’s surely not perfect now. It’s just that now the truth is so obvious in its clarity - it seems that they are not perfect for each other after all.
I don’t know how I can explain this more than I already did, but in a nutshell, if you found someone who’s perfect for you, then, true love is effortless, and it will never end. My friend is still quite baffled why two people seemingly perfect for each other should go through this much heartbreak.
In my opinion, how can a bird, which is looking forward to flying and exploring the horizon, be perfect with a person who would like to have lots of roots? I don't know what will happen for them in the future, who knows? But for now, they have reached a crossroad, and I think they have already chosen their separate paths.
The Secret Society and My Bio Clock
Yesterday, I gained another godchild, my niece, Sofia Isabel. The baptism was uneventful really, except for the fact that my other godchild, Joaquin keeps wreaking havoc by wailing something fierce that it could probably be overheard in the Jollibee beside the restaurant we’re in.
The thing is, all around me are couples my age with one or two children in tow. Or let’s say about my age range. Just below thirty, and way passed twenty-five. Even my sister-in law, a woman just a year my senior already has two children.
Tick, tock, tick, tock….
I have always felt like a wallflower at gatherings like these, if you can believe that. I may be gregarious when with friends, always trying to hog the spotlight, but when with relatives, I tend to stay in the background. Especially now that my sister, who has been my companion during these gatherings, is already married and had somehow entered the secret society that seem to require you to present your marriage certificate.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
What's with this Secret Society? Why do they have to pressure us single women into finding that one man for us? They do it subtly, like excluding you from conversations regarding 'marriage' stuff, really no different from ours, but they'll say things like, 'oh when you're married, it's different.' Like hell it's different. I know it's more difficult, but we each have our own difficulties. I can fully relate to Bridget Jones when she said she hated those Smug Marrieds, looking down on us, Singletons.
But the thing is, us Singletons, our deepest, most hidden desire is to be part of that Secret Society. Aaarrggghhhh!
Tick, tock, tick, tock...
My sister is three years younger than me. She can still wait a few years before having a baby. And I can imagine what a beautiful baby it’s going to be. It will have a western and eastern blend of course, so it’ll be beautiful. Another godchild in the future for me, and that’s probably something to look forward to.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
Sometimes, I wish we could have a catalogue of men, with varying descriptions of their qualities, capabilities, and IQ level that we can choose to get a donation of sperm from. You can choose whether to just get the sperm (the by-product) or the man himself (the product) in order to satisfy your needs. I hope they come in all shapes and sizes, colors and texture, so we can have a lot to choose from. I’ll order for Man # 01212, Extra Large. That’s the blond with blue eyes, right? Okay, thank you. I’ll be paying the balance after the service is rendered. Transaction closed. Problem solved.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
But life is not easy. Life has a way of making simple things complicated and making complications stand out like a sore thumb. Even the most progressive country is not that crude. Even the least populated country will not resort to those dire options just because they needed a population boost. Even the most desperate of women, just like me, who are on the verge of expiration, can’t simply choose their mate from a catalogue, with just a resume and a picture. For me, I’ll probably require for them to pass an exam, both personality and psychological, after which, they’ll have to go through a series of interviews over dinner, a movie and a cup of coffee. And even I can’t say how long the application process will take. That’s just life. No matter how easy some answers are, the most difficult is usually the correct one.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
I’ll probably hear that in my head from time to time, sounding like a death toll, coinciding with the beating of my heart. I will just keep on hoping that someday, sooner rather than later, I’ll never hear that clock again, for the sound of the beat of my heart is louder than the ticking of that damn biological clock. I will just keep on hoping that I will realize that what is more important to hear is that beating rather than that ticking. I will just keep on hoping that my Faith in Him and Love for Life will be enough for now to push the ticking sound at the back of my head.
Hope, in this occasion as well as in many other times in my life, is and will always be the one that keeps me going.
The thing is, all around me are couples my age with one or two children in tow. Or let’s say about my age range. Just below thirty, and way passed twenty-five. Even my sister-in law, a woman just a year my senior already has two children.
Tick, tock, tick, tock….
I have always felt like a wallflower at gatherings like these, if you can believe that. I may be gregarious when with friends, always trying to hog the spotlight, but when with relatives, I tend to stay in the background. Especially now that my sister, who has been my companion during these gatherings, is already married and had somehow entered the secret society that seem to require you to present your marriage certificate.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
What's with this Secret Society? Why do they have to pressure us single women into finding that one man for us? They do it subtly, like excluding you from conversations regarding 'marriage' stuff, really no different from ours, but they'll say things like, 'oh when you're married, it's different.' Like hell it's different. I know it's more difficult, but we each have our own difficulties. I can fully relate to Bridget Jones when she said she hated those Smug Marrieds, looking down on us, Singletons.
But the thing is, us Singletons, our deepest, most hidden desire is to be part of that Secret Society. Aaarrggghhhh!
Tick, tock, tick, tock...
My sister is three years younger than me. She can still wait a few years before having a baby. And I can imagine what a beautiful baby it’s going to be. It will have a western and eastern blend of course, so it’ll be beautiful. Another godchild in the future for me, and that’s probably something to look forward to.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
Sometimes, I wish we could have a catalogue of men, with varying descriptions of their qualities, capabilities, and IQ level that we can choose to get a donation of sperm from. You can choose whether to just get the sperm (the by-product) or the man himself (the product) in order to satisfy your needs. I hope they come in all shapes and sizes, colors and texture, so we can have a lot to choose from. I’ll order for Man # 01212, Extra Large. That’s the blond with blue eyes, right? Okay, thank you. I’ll be paying the balance after the service is rendered. Transaction closed. Problem solved.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
But life is not easy. Life has a way of making simple things complicated and making complications stand out like a sore thumb. Even the most progressive country is not that crude. Even the least populated country will not resort to those dire options just because they needed a population boost. Even the most desperate of women, just like me, who are on the verge of expiration, can’t simply choose their mate from a catalogue, with just a resume and a picture. For me, I’ll probably require for them to pass an exam, both personality and psychological, after which, they’ll have to go through a series of interviews over dinner, a movie and a cup of coffee. And even I can’t say how long the application process will take. That’s just life. No matter how easy some answers are, the most difficult is usually the correct one.
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
I’ll probably hear that in my head from time to time, sounding like a death toll, coinciding with the beating of my heart. I will just keep on hoping that someday, sooner rather than later, I’ll never hear that clock again, for the sound of the beat of my heart is louder than the ticking of that damn biological clock. I will just keep on hoping that I will realize that what is more important to hear is that beating rather than that ticking. I will just keep on hoping that my Faith in Him and Love for Life will be enough for now to push the ticking sound at the back of my head.
Hope, in this occasion as well as in many other times in my life, is and will always be the one that keeps me going.
Second Gear
"Have you ever felt your life is stuck in second gear?" a line goes in the Friends song, as far as I can remember.
That's should be the theme of my life right now. I feel like, no matter how hard I try to speed up, take action, I just can't shift to third or fourth gear, or my whole life will break down. I'm passed the impatient, stressful state. I'm now in high gear panic. It is literally seeing all your other friends, driving their cars, all of them just passing you by.
One major concern in my life is that I am, by our society's definition, an old maid. A true blue, honest-to-goodness old maid. One that has never had a boyfriend or in a serious relationship her whole life. You don't know how many hours, days, months, or even years I've spent just thinking 'what the hell is wrong with me?' Of course, being me, I always come to the conclusion that it's not me, it's the men in this country. Or just to be precise, the men I meet.
I see an ordinary-looking girl my age, already with a family of her own, not exactly having more going for her than me by comparison, except that she sleeps at night, comforted by the fact that she is loved, and she's never going to have to endure another round of questioning of the 'just when are you going to get married?' type.
And it's not just the I'm-now-an-old-maid issue, (although that occupies my thoughts half of the time.) It's also my trek to fulfilling my dreams. I have many dreams. I am a dreamer. My head is always in the clouds. And one of my dreams is to become a teacher. I want to become a teacher. I dreamt of becoming one. I don't know what possessed me to take Business instead of Education but that's just it. I finally found the courage to leave the corporate world, with all its perks, and pursue one of my dreams, and I find that it's even more difficult than I imagined it would be.
It's not the studies. Nor the demands of the teaching profession (which demands teachers to be 'perfect' creatures, if students were to be believed, really) that is grating my nerves. It's the long trek to becoming one.
That's why I'm so afraid and uncertain, because now everything matters. I have to take the board exams and all my dreams hinges on the outcome. I hate that. I hate having no alternative path. Maybe there is one. But for now, I can see none. And I have to thread carefully. Wanting something very badly makes you impatient, yet at the same time, hesitant to be reckless and stupid, for one wrong move and all your dreams may come falling down.
All of these are making my head aches. And my heart aches. And these negative thoughts are throwing me into stress or panic modes and I hate it all the more. It's a vicious cycle and I desperately want it to stop.
I'm the only one who can stop the car since I'm the one driving, controlling my life.
I just pray that the Lord will enlighten me, to follow my own path, in my own pace. Not to always look at the other drivers in the street, and trying to race. Not to plan my life, based on their driving skills, but mine.
After all, we all have different destinations. And I'm the only one who can say when I have finally reached mine.
That's should be the theme of my life right now. I feel like, no matter how hard I try to speed up, take action, I just can't shift to third or fourth gear, or my whole life will break down. I'm passed the impatient, stressful state. I'm now in high gear panic. It is literally seeing all your other friends, driving their cars, all of them just passing you by.
One major concern in my life is that I am, by our society's definition, an old maid. A true blue, honest-to-goodness old maid. One that has never had a boyfriend or in a serious relationship her whole life. You don't know how many hours, days, months, or even years I've spent just thinking 'what the hell is wrong with me?' Of course, being me, I always come to the conclusion that it's not me, it's the men in this country. Or just to be precise, the men I meet.
I see an ordinary-looking girl my age, already with a family of her own, not exactly having more going for her than me by comparison, except that she sleeps at night, comforted by the fact that she is loved, and she's never going to have to endure another round of questioning of the 'just when are you going to get married?' type.
And it's not just the I'm-now-an-old-maid issue, (although that occupies my thoughts half of the time.) It's also my trek to fulfilling my dreams. I have many dreams. I am a dreamer. My head is always in the clouds. And one of my dreams is to become a teacher. I want to become a teacher. I dreamt of becoming one. I don't know what possessed me to take Business instead of Education but that's just it. I finally found the courage to leave the corporate world, with all its perks, and pursue one of my dreams, and I find that it's even more difficult than I imagined it would be.
It's not the studies. Nor the demands of the teaching profession (which demands teachers to be 'perfect' creatures, if students were to be believed, really) that is grating my nerves. It's the long trek to becoming one.
That's why I'm so afraid and uncertain, because now everything matters. I have to take the board exams and all my dreams hinges on the outcome. I hate that. I hate having no alternative path. Maybe there is one. But for now, I can see none. And I have to thread carefully. Wanting something very badly makes you impatient, yet at the same time, hesitant to be reckless and stupid, for one wrong move and all your dreams may come falling down.
All of these are making my head aches. And my heart aches. And these negative thoughts are throwing me into stress or panic modes and I hate it all the more. It's a vicious cycle and I desperately want it to stop.
I'm the only one who can stop the car since I'm the one driving, controlling my life.
I just pray that the Lord will enlighten me, to follow my own path, in my own pace. Not to always look at the other drivers in the street, and trying to race. Not to plan my life, based on their driving skills, but mine.
After all, we all have different destinations. And I'm the only one who can say when I have finally reached mine.
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