The Old and the New

Exactly a year ago, I made a list of things to do for 2005. Not a resolution list, just something to focus on for the year. Let's see if I made any dent on the list.

X 1. Find a kindergarten teaching job (even if it's across the globe).
X 2. Be the kind of teacher I would want MY teacher to be.
.5 3. Play more with Chewy, his days are numbered.
Note: Chewy died and I felt guilty for not being able to give him more attention when he was dying.
:-) 4. Have more patience, resilience (in teaching, Lola, and for #6).
:-) 5. Go to Palawan (Underground River, Honda Bay, Coron) and dive.
Note: Didn't go to Palawan but went to Banaue, Sagada and Batad. Yey! Palawan will go to the next list then.
:-) 6. Look for True Love (hmmm...).
Note: It just said look for true love. I tried, unsuccessfully but I looked.
X 7. Resolve to be fit, if not lose some fat (to prepare for more strenuous activities).
Note: a big bad X!
.5 8. Stay pretty, always (do not go out looking frumpy).
Note: I admit, there are some days of freakishly frumpy looking Elaine out there.
.5 9. Take care of skin (facials & lotions), hair (relaxed) and feet (foot spas).
Note: hmm, half and half....right now, my feet looks ugly.
.5 10. Be updated in movies, music and the current events.
Note: I'm updated in movies, not in music and current events.
:-) 11. Fly to somewhere exotic but out of the country, like Phnom Penh or Vientienne.
Note: Singapore and Malaysia! yey!
:-) 12. Save some, even if it's only for travels.
:-) 13. Try not to be too depressed at turning 29. (Gah! How can I not be?!?)
Note: I tried, I really did.
X 14. Go to Batanes, even if it takes one day to get there. (via land transport...tee hee.)
:-) 15. Wait patiently for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in July, Bob Ong's new book whenever, and read more books aside from bestsellers.
:-) 16. Don't forget to go out with old friends.
X 17. Do take inventory of clothes, shoes and bags before buying another.
X 18. Help initiate take off of Mom's (family) business.
Note: I think they didn't need my help. :D
X 19. Keep room tidy as I can make it.
Note: Another big bad X!
X 20. Take care of Mad Max.
Note: 3 big scratches, and lost plates do not mean taking care of Mad Max. Sheesh. I will try to do better next time.
:-) 21. Regular breast check up every 6 months. (March, September)
.5 22. Daydream less, go out more.
Note: I can't help but dream of a Brian/ Gale coming into my life.
:-) 23. Don't judge a book by its cover. (Or, at least I'll try not to ask for pictures...)
Note: I judge after I read the book. Hehe.
:-) 24. Avoid loneliness-, desperation-inducing thoughts.
Note: Although I admit, there are times that I wallow in those.
X 25. Volunteer.
Note: I'm so ashamed. Need to plan less and act more.

13 out of 25. Not bad.

Here's my new list.

1. Seriously, finish the practicum and finish the course. (I need to remind myself of that!)
2. Go out and find a job.
3. Go out and date and meet new people, meet new friends.
4. Don't forget to keep in touch with old friends.
5. Travel list: Palawan, Batanes
6. Overseas: Thailand/ Cambodia
7. Volunteer.
8. Exercise. Lose Weight.
9. Meet the big Three Oh with a bing BANG!
10. Take care of self and Mad Max, and avoid depression like the plague.

See what I did there? I cut the list, and just made it ten. So I can get higher success rates. :D

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Tortured Soul

Unearthed one of my very very old YM mags and in it, there's a quiz called Guy Search, Find your Destiny Dude. (Haha, how lame! And I used to live for this kind of shit!) And I still remember the results of my quiz.

---
Quit checking out every guy who breathes. Instead, take this quiz to zero in on your perfect love match -- and find out which celebs fit the bill. Then maximize your male-meeting potential and GO GET THAT GUY.

(That's the intro for the quiz...yeah right, like I'm going to find someone like these celebs)

The possible results then can be divided into:

Clean Cut Cutie - He's so down to earth, he wouldn't know how to play head games if he wanted to.
Fierce Flirt - He's the finest guy at school.
Nature Lover - He craves the simple things in life: the outdoors, fresh air, sunshine and love.
Major Mushball - He makes you feel like the hottest girl on earth.
Rad Rebel - He seizes each moment -- and then dares you to come along for the ride.

But mine...my perfect match (or so the quiz says) is Ethan Hawke, the Tortured Soul.

Why you can't resist him: Macho is not in his vocabulary. And he always says what's on his mind.
(Hah, now I know why I used to think this magazine speaks Gospel truth.)

His look: Hair in his eyes, hands in his pockets, shoulders slightly slouched.
(Sheesh, I can just imagine that hair!)

His attitude: Smart and shy, with a hint of insecurity.
(Smart and shy? Come out, come out, wherever you are!)

Boyfriend potential: 9, When he falls, he falls hard.
(My kind of guy)

Total turn-on: A girl who is as honest and open with him as he is with her.

Total turnoff: Someone who worries too much about what other people think.

Ideal love match: A girl who can cope with his hours of brooding, guitar-playing and philosophizing.
(We can analyze life and love anytime, or all the time.)

Social style: He isn't big on crowds or the party scene, so expect to spend a lot of time alone together.
(Who doesn't like a LOT of alone time together?)

Prize possession: His copy of The Catcher in the Rye.
(Can this quiz be any more accurate? The Catcher in the Rye, my all time fave book.)

How he shows his love: By composing sonnets, short stories and songs for you.
(Sonnets are a little too cheesy for me, but he can write all the stories and songs he want. I'll gladly lap them up.)

Wee! I feel like a teenager waiting for her Tortured Soul Prince to come and sweep me off my feet. Alas, the reality is, I've met guys who look like they've been tortured and most haven't read a single word of The Catcher in the Rye. Geez, I've been searching high and low, and been waiting a long time, I'm becoming a shrew. And I need to be as sweet as Juliet, if I were to capture a Tortured Soul.

Where O where art thou, my Romeo?

Dr. House

I love House. And this might raised a few eyebrows, but I have a big crush on House himself. Yes, old, grumpy, but brilliant man. Yey! Medical mystery at its best.

So instead of going on and on about House, here's what I got from the net.

CAST

Hugh Laurie....Dr. Gregory House
Lisa Edelstein....Dr. Lisa Cuddy
Omar Epps....Dr. Eric Foreman
Robert Sean Leonard....Dr. James Wilson
Jennifer Morrison....Dr. Allison Cameron
Jesse Spencer....Dr. Robert Chase

QUOTES

Dr. Gregory House: I suppose "minimally at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "No chance in hell"?
Dr. Robert Chase: Actually, I'm Australian.
Dr. Gregory House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.

***

Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't *need* to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.

***

Chris Dewey: [trying to tell an uninterested House a patient's history] You're reading a comic book.
Dr. Gregory House: And you're drawing attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. [she covers her chest with her clipboard] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a "state-the-obvious" contest. I'm competitive by nature.

***

Dr. Robert Chase: You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been... nasty.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.

***

Dr. Gregory House: Good lord, are you having a bowel movement or a baby?

***

Dr. Gregory House: You didn't have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's a law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could've married rich, you could've been a model, you could've just shown up and people would've given you stuff - lots of stuff - but you didn't. You worked your stunning little ass off.

***

Dr. Gregory House: Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritating recently.

Dr. Cameron: And?

Dr. Gregory House: I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be 'unusually' irritable.

***

Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex.

Dr. Robert Chase: Well, we don't have to talk about this...

Dr. Cameron: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. [She pauses to catch her breath]

Dr. Robert Chase: [He is speechless]

Dr. Cameron: Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Know that women can have an hour long orgasm?

Dr. Eric Foreman: [enters]

Dr. Cameron: [as if nothing had just occurred] Hey Foreman. What's up?

*Source : IMDB

Getting Tired

I'm tired of being afraid of things to come, things that might happen, and all the self-pity those events might bring. Geesh.

I'm stressing over the fact that it's only a few more days till my relatives can sharpen their knives by asking me why am I the only single one left among my cousins and siblings. I'm stressing over the coming month. I'm stressing over the coming year.

And on top of that, I'm lonely, desperately lonely, sometimes. When I stress about it. And around Christmas time, I'm stressing much more than usual.

Gah. This is a vicious cycle.

I have to stop.

I can't help it.

Scrooged

Sigh.

I cannot help but long for the Pinoy Christmases of old. The one where everywhere you look, there are bright twinkling lights on every home windows and walls, and some expensive lantern as the centerpiece. You can hear then loud Christmas songs, and even after you've left the mall, you can hear it echoing in your ears, for it really feels like Christmas.

Oh well. Difficult times. But I was hoping that children may get to experience the kind of Christmas I grew up in. Where I can practically smell Christmas in the air, hear it echo with every step, see it every where you go, and feel it in every good deed that we Filipinos seem to do, just because it's Christmas.

Alas, I'm well turning into Scrooge.

I feel like sneering instead of breaking into a Christmas Cheer. I'm frowning at basic traditional Pinoy Christmas routines like young children singing Christmas carols off key, shaking their tansan-made musical instrument. I grit my teeth trying to swim among the hordes of people in 168. I'm so lazy wrapping my gifts. And if I can get out of family reunions and weddings, I would. (And I hate that I am wasting two days of my two week vacation running to LTO because of f-cking people who stole my car plates!)

There's really something lacking. Something not-quite so festive, this Christmas. I guess I need to think of what it should really mean to me. And to everybody.

That it's not puto bungbong, lights, sounds, and gifts that make up Christmas.

It should be giving thanks, giving back, and remembering Him.

And I'd better stop being a Scrooge.

Happenings

Just because I haven't written for quite some time doesn't mean nothing's happening in my life. Actually, there's quite a lot.

I still have to tell about my Banaue/Sagada/Batad trip, and haven't posted any pics from any of my trips. And I haven't talked about my new students, all special children, if they can still be called children (some are already in their mid-20s) and how's that part of my life going.

Mad Max is another topic. He's one reason why I often wish I still have my old job, and that I didn't give it up for the dream of teaching. I can't necessarily take care of him properly without having a proper job. And he needs taking care of. He needs washing regularly, check up was way past due, aircon needs cleaning, rustproofing needs to be re-done, and of course, since his plates just got stolen (my fault for parking in obscure, unsafe places!) I need to get him new ones, which as I know of our own government institutions, will be a long time coming.

So. Me and Mad Max, we're both desolate and lonely and couldn't go out. What a way to spend our vacation.

Oh well.

I need to get past looking at the negatives. On the positive side, I can get up later now, no classes in the morning and the real work are still two weeks into the future. I get to have two weeks Christmas celebration, albeit without Mad Max, but of course, I can make do.

I don't want to attend any weddings, and there are two coming up. I'll be asked where my partner is, and since said boyfriend (love of life) is non-existent, I think I'll pass and lick my wounds in private.

I'm dreading the Christmas tradition of seeing your relatives and having them parade their good fortune in life, and rubbing it on your face that they have it good and that your life sucks in a party called Family reunion. Gah. I guess I'll cross that scary bridge on Christmas Day. (I'll be asked again why I'm the only single one left - in my age bracket, each and every one of my siblings and cousins have gone off and gotten married and had children - and magpapayat kasi ako para magka boyfriend. Sheesh.)

Okay, I thought I'm going to start on the good things since this is Christmas and no one wants to be called a Scrooge. Oh well, I just keep getting sidetracked by all those negative things.

So...here's what I like about Christmas.

Chilly air. Bright red and green and gold decors. Christmas Trees. Candy cane decors. Christmas parties without nosy relatives. Puto Bungbong and bibingka. Excuse to eat and not diet. Buying of gifts, shopping with excuses. Christmas lights. Christmas wishes. One big, great birthday party. Advent prayers.

Jesus Christ.

(If I won't be asked why I'm still single in the upcoming Christmas family reunion -- Christmas would be happy. So I'll tell you then, if it turns out to be fine after all.)

(If I am in love and with the love of my life, maybe next Christmas? Then, Christmas would be perfect. Hmm...I'll stop this wishful thinking and get on with life.)

Wishlist Xmas 2005

So of course this wishlist is kind of late and of course my wishes for the coming year...2006. I have issues on the coming year, just because it envelopes the month of my birthday when I will turn 30. It's there. I can't stop the clock and I can't ignore it because it's not going to go away. I can only make full use of my time before that happens. (I have to get away, I tell you!)

And here's my Wishlist...

10. Black boots

Pang-porma, paired with white long sleeved polo and well-worn jeans.

9. Power suit

Complete with blazer, white polo and slacks that fit perfectly. My power suits from the good old time doesn't fit anymore. And I might have no use for this as a teacher, but I should have one power suit at my disposal just in case of that big interview.

8. Cellphone

Even if it's second-hand, as long as it has a colored screen and can take pictures. I'm kind of feeling out of place with my phone that only one that can't send/take pictures or has the green screen.

7. Postcards

Postcards of places I don't have yet in my collection.

6. Straightened Hair

I need to have my hair straightened again. Or relaxed. I know, vanity. So sue me.

5. Polo blouses and black slacks

Yes, the teacher-kind. Or the corporate-worthy kind. I don't like the flowery teacher-kind, more like the corporate-kind with solid colors and solid lines. I'm going to use it for the 2 months of practicum.

4. Trip to Batanes or Palawan

After the practicum? I want to go straight to Palawan or Batanes (if the weather permits), just to unwind, and make a dent to my Life List.

3. Steady date

I just want to have a steady date. Someone that I am well past the awkward small talks, the introduction, etc. etc. Just someone I can hang out with. A guy friend with benefits?

2. Work abroad

Singapore will be perfect. US will be hard work but worth it. New Zealand and Australia also on the list. I really wish/pray I'll get to go. Someday. Next year. Or sometime when I'm 30.

1. True Love

My very own Brian Kinney (Gale Harold look-alike, sweet, bad boy, sarcastic, funny, and smart and successful...gah!) under our Christmas tree with a tag that says For Elaine. Maybe finally, this is the Christmas, the year He will, at last, give me what I've always wished for.

So that's it.

I don't want to post this because people won't get gift ideas from this list anyway, but come to think of it, that's a better reason to post it now.

Happy Christmas Shopping!

Not Like Any Other Love

I didn’t know it then. It was almost Christmas when my Mom brought me to the pet store to pick a puppy for my sister Lorraine. She told me to choose one of the two Maltese playing in the cage. I picked the one who looked at me mischievously. I didn’t know it then. It was love at first sight.

He was my sister’s dog. But he was mine in every aspect except ownership. Mine to love, and he loves me. I spoiled him rotten. He looks at me with that patented lost puppy look and I will always cave in. Whatever he wants. If he wants to sleep on my bed, I let him. If he wants to eat a dozen chocolates, I give him Kisses. We brought him whenever there’s a family outing if my mom grumbled at me the whole time for bringing the dog, I just couldn’t leave him alone at home.

Truth be told, he was a lot of my firsts. I slept with on my bed. I kissed. French. First love. And I couldn’t choose a better candidate for my first love. I guess he ruined every guy after because none of them can love better than him.

He loved me unconditionally. Not expecting much, just little pats of affection, a hug every now and then, a kiss once in a while. And still, loyal to a fault. Waiting for me to come home every day. Knows my footsteps, my voice, and my touch. I guess we humans don’t love like that. Giving our whole life to one person, without conditions, without expecting much.

It got ugly during his last years. I am ashamed to admit that I didn’t hug him that much, just glanced at him every now and then. Because I can’t stand to look at him die right before our eyes. I hope he’ll understand, wherever he is. I didn’t love him less, just because he got old. I just … couldn’t accept it. Probably distancing myself. I don’t know. I’m just probably making excuses. But I didn’t love him less. That much I know.

So I know now it’s true. True love? It really lasts a lifetime. I love Chewy, and I will probably not love another dog as much as I love him.

*Chewy passed away this morning, December 4, 2005, at the age of 16 human years. I prayed, and prayed that dogs really do go to heaven. I'll stop crying now.