A long review, because the book calls for it. Much debate, mostly within myself and also would like to go on and on about this for the sake of reminding myself and pointing things out for my girl friends.
The book is titled 'He's Just Not Into You' and was written by a Man (consultant for Sex and the City), and the Woman, (one of the writers of said show), Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
I was curious about the book but it's not in my priority of reading materials. I seldom make 'excuses' for guys or men (as a matter of fact, my friends tell me to cut the guys some slack) and I always berate myself anyway, so I don't need a book to scold me, I do that to myself.
Then, Rhea bought and gave me a copy of the book, so I read it last night and finished it this morning before our sojourn to Divisoria. It's an easy read, funny, straight to the point (bordering on being brutally honest) and any girl can relate. Even I, who didn't much have a love life for all my 28 years on earth, I can relate. At least with two chapters. But you'll recognize your friends from the stories told in the book. This is a must read for all Singletons who loves the philosophy of strong women capable of love of Sex and the City.
He's Just Not Into You if He's Not Asking You Out...Okay, this is one of the only two chapters applicable to me. The (guy) author said, 'if he likes you, then he will ask you out'. I know this. I'm a smart girl, and I've been friends with so many guys so I know what they're like. I know that when they like somebody, you don't have to push them so hard in the right direction. They will try to find a way to pursue the girl. On the same note, if they don't like someone, you'll hear hundreds of excuses. I know that.
But still, it's hard for me to sit still and wait for destiny to happen, or for something to happen in my life. It's hard for me not to take the initiative in anything I feel passionate about. And it's going to be very difficult for me not to express my feelings (like show the guy I like that I like him) and wait for him to make the first move.
And in relation to that...He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Calling You. Gah! If the first (of only two chapters) chapter is difficult, this is doubly so. I was a salesperson. I was trained that a sale can be made if you push subtly. I was trained that a phone call to your client can make a big difference. Besides which, I love chatting on the phone. With my girl friend and with my guy friends, I like the combination of the comfort of my bed and a good conversation. And here they are, telling me to go back to cave men days, appease chauvinistic pigs, and not be first one to call, or not to call the guy at all. They are telling me to do two things, to sit down and not be the aggressor and to not pick up the phone unless he's the one calling me.
If I find these two difficult, I can imagine what my friends will be going through reading the whole book. The next chapters are no longer applicable to me. Unless you count always liking guys who don't like me as going for Unavailable Men, then no, I can no longer find me in the other stories.
Here are some of the funny excerpts from the book that I think are important to remember:
I hate to tell you but that whole 'I don't want to ruin the friendship' excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise...But if we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves -- we want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.
Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. If we want you, we will find you.
Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
You are good enough to be asked out.
The big question is, 'is it okay for a guy to forget to call me?' I'm saying to you, No. Barring disaster, someone had to be rushed to the hospital, he was fired, he should never forget to call you.
If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. You deserve a fucking phone call.
I looked up 'I don't want to be your boyfriend' in the Relationship Dictionary, just to make sure I wasn't mistaken but I was right. It still means 'I don't want to be your boyfriend.'
Really? Is 'better than nothing' what we're going for now? I was hoping for at least a lot better than nothing. Perhaps even something.
Learn it, live it, like it, love it: If a man likes you, he's going to want to have sex with you.
Companionship is wonderful, but companionship with sex is even better.
He just cheated on you and called you fat. How many low self-esteem protein shakes can one person drink? If he has a problem in your relationship, he's supposed to talk to you about it not put-his-penis-in-a-strange-vagina about it.
There is no excuse for cheating. Let me say it again. There is no excuse for cheating.
Remember this. Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has 'issues' with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with you...He's saying he doesn't want to get married to YOU.
Break up sex is hot. Emotional. Amazing... Hey girl, Put down the penis, put your clothes back on, and go directly to your best friend's house.Do not think that because of all the crazy hotness of it all, it now means that you're meant to be together.
He's Just Not That Into You If He's Disappeared On You...He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but most likely he's just not that into you.
No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.
----
And here are two excerpts from the woman author who captured my doubts and my realizations completely. Funny because the realization, I found in the first chapter and the doubts, I found in the last...
Liz: There aren't many good men around. Statistics prove it. There are more good women out there than good men... I don't know about you but I hate being single... There are many days when I personally think it's better to be with someone who your friends hate, but will help you carry the groceries, than be alone...I know we have to love ourselves and we deserve happiness and be optimistic, but I also think it sucks to be single.
Greg's answer (and one of two learnings):
The statistics are bleak. Fuck statistics. It's your life -- how dare you not have faith in it!
(And that's the whole point isn't it? When you lose hope, or when I lose hope, I'm also losing faith that my life could get better, and I'm losing faith in Him that He could make my life better.)
Liz: And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out.
(There. That's it. The answer to my questions.)
--------
Okay, so what's my question, again? I was thinking that out of so many chapters I can only think of two things I did wrong, and yet I'm still single. I have high standards, I never settle, and I love myself enough that I don't make excuses for any guy. My only faults are that I often feel like I should do something, and not wait for the guy to make the first move.
Well, that the crux of this whole situation isn't it? Why do I feel the need to pursue? Why can't I just wait for the guy to ask me out and make me feel like a goddess? Because I feel like time is running out. I feel like a loser for not having someone, for still being single. And I feel like the good guys out there are beginning to sound like an Urban Legend to me.
And I feel the need to tell my phone conversation with one of my best guy buddies. (I already told Rhea about it, but the book just confirmed it for me).
We were talking about how I get panicky sometimes about getting older and still be single. I was chalking it up to biological clock or to loneliness, but he told me, so what if you're getting older? Age is all in my head, he said. Then I proceeded to regale him with why I think being single sucks. All those pitying looks from Smug Marrieds, and all the queries about why am I still single running through my head. Then, he paused, and said seriously and sincerely, 'hey, if you grow old and gray and still remain single, I wouldn't think any less of you.'
In the end, I still think I'm a loser for still being single. And what my friend said just changed that, it made me feel better. It made me re-think how I see myself. That one line and I know what I have to do. No more thinking I'm a loser if I'm still single. Single does not equal Loser. And Me defintely doesn't equal Loser. It goes against all the things I know I am, that I'm a goddess, just waiting for the right mortal man who's good enough and deserving to be with me. (Okay, let's not get carried away here... That I know I'm Hot Stuff, will do.)
I had many realizations, laughs and I recognized almost all my girl friends from the stories in this book. It changed my perspective, it strengthen my resolve (not to settle) and it made me feel good about being a single woman.
Not bad for a book, wouldn't you say?
-----------
*I hope I won't get sued for posting excerpts here from the book. Don't sue!
No comments:
Post a Comment