Sick

I don't do sick. In the four or five years that I've worked previously, I can only remember me getting sick thrice. Thrice in five years!

And now this.

I have to let my dad drive us from Lola's last night because I was beginning to feel pain in my joints. Like they were rubber that I have no control over. I was sneezing constantly in tissue paper because my nose is already running. When I took my meds last night, it made me feel better so I turned on my two electric fans and slept.

Pretty soon I was wrapped in my blanket with only one fan running low and I can still feel the chills. This did not bode well for the next day. Today.

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache, running nose, joints aching and high fever. Gah!

After three sets of medication (for colds, and for fever), probably 5 bottles of water aside from mealtimes, and around 6 hours of sleep (during daytime!) I'm finally feeling a little bit better. I'm still a little out of it, but I can already type and sit in front of my PC without feeling like someone is hammering my head.

And I really hate being sick.

Let's Go - The Explore List

I am ignoring the fact that my future still looks murky. Murky is not good, I know. I just have to accept some disappointing facts and some bad realities before I can move on and plan my future. Oh well. I'm just musing. I'll be facing my relatives tomorrow and I'm already bracing myself in fearful anticipation of the questions regarding career and love life. Gah!

Nevertheless, I'm not being negative tonight. I'm thinking of all the possibilities of life. My life. I'm starting to have faith in it getting better. And because I have faith, I've decided to re-write my To Do list this year (I have only 6 months left) and my Future Life List. This is going to be a 4 part series and the first of which will be this list. (See? I'm being a List Freak again.)


The whole object of travel is not to set foot on foreign land; it is at last to set foot on one's own country as a foreign land. ~G.K. Chesterton

Explore List
The TOP 25 Countries I want to Explore

Some I have already visited (a very small- uhm, tiny? okay, okay, insignificant - percentage of the list) but just like any travel buff, I will always have places to go, sights to see and though travel books help, it only whet my appetite to do actual travel. Hopefully, someday I can travel for real and not just keep traveling in my head and through my books.

25. Thailand - I'd like to see temples in modern day Bangkok, snorkel in the beaches of Phuket, read a book under a coconut tree at the shores of PhiPhi Island, pose in front of the large Buddha, see the limestone islands in Andaman Sea, and take a wild ride on the back of an elephant. I don't think a visit to Thailand would be complete without getting up close and personal with an elephant.

25. Indonesia – It’s cheating, I know. But a traveler’s list wouldn’t be complete without our neighbor country, Indonesia. Indonesia’s rich resources have lured even the great explorers of years past. But what interests me the most is that this is a country, much like ours, filled with a clash of different cultures – Balinese, Dutch, and Muslim influences. Aside from great diving sites, unexplored islands and beaches, the big tourist destination of Bali, beautiful furniture, and great architecture, I want to see the effects of having several historic influences and religions to a country so physically (literally) divided in thousands of islands.

24. Peru - There is only one place that gets Peru in my list and that is to visit the Machu Picchu, west of Cuzco, the Lost City of the Incas. As I imagined Peru’s mountainous landscape I know I wouldn’t be able to escape going out on a hike. But I think just to be able to visit, hear and see the Lost City, its history and what’s left of its previous glory will be worth it.

23. Russia – I know, I know. They have a cold reputation, of its country and of its people. I associate Russia with cold ruthless leaders like Stalin, Kruschev, and Lenin, and nuclear weapons and people who are always frowning, sad and seemingly suffering. But then I know there are ancient monasteries, great, great architecture, I’ve read about historic Russia and its passionate people, watch Anastasia, and see the people excel with fierce, icy determination. Russia remains to me an enigma. And every traveler knows that an enigmatic country deserves a visit.

22. Mexico – I love anything that hints of spice. Sugar and nice won’t do it for me. Mexico is every traveler’s spice of life. I imagined it would be full of life, vibrant and colorful. From the sights of sexy dresses, colorful Mexican hats, bright Mexican tiles, and tearjerker telenovelas, to the feel of the dance, the easygoing attitude, the taste of tequila against your tongue and the romantic escapes to Acapulco. There is so many places to visit and so many people to meet. I like that if there are people in South America Filipinos would be most comfortable to associate with, it will be with the Mexicans.

21. Nepal – Nepal sounds like something heard only in books. Those traveling books about climbing the highest peak of the world, Mt. Everest will certainly mention the country. This was described, like many Asian countries, as poor but rich in scenic splendors and cultural heritage. Me, I would just like to see Mt. Everest and boast of staying, even for a short time in a city called Kathmandu. Sounds grand, isn’t it?

20. Cambodia - Just the sound of their capital city, Phnom Penh, makes you think of ancient ruins. Add the major attraction of the many temples in Angkor and you'll be almost brought back to the past. But I can't just ignore Cambodia's violent past as I will probably feel the pressure to visit the Killing Fields just like any other tourist in Phnom Penh. Cambodia is a neighbor but its worlds away from my country and soon I’m praying can say hello to the great temple of Angkor Wat.

19. Greece - Maybe I can take a stroll in the busy streets of Athens, feeling the history, the glorious past that gave birth to the Greek philosophers, think of the legends and myths while visitng Crete, look up and witness the extraordinary monasteries in Meteora, and maybe wonder where in the seas of Santorini is Atlantis buried. Ah, what I can do is count in my head how many mythological names I am already familiar of and how many are still foreign to me.

18. Argentina - I know I have to be prepared for long hikes among valleys, rivers, and pausing to take pictures of snow-capped mountains. And although I'll be very nervous flying over the Andes Mountains, as the whole movie of Alive will probably be playing in my head, sighting the magnificent mountains, harsh, cruel and beautiful, is what makes Argentina a must-visit.

17. Japan - A visit to Japan will probably call for me to witness the wild array of colors and sound in Tokyo, see the temples and gardens of Kyoto, the countless volcanoes, and to brace myself to the cold climate of Hokkaido. But I'd like to meditate in Zen temples, visit Zen gardens, take pictures of the understated beauty of Japanese architecture, and soak in hot springs.

16. Australia – When I was in High School, I read a book set in Australia and I thought it was one of the most fascinating country with so much natural beauty. I read many books since then and Australia is still fascinating to me. The different seasons, the great Bush, Great Barrier Reef, and so many great dive sites, made this country so foreign and exotic. Not to mention the wildlife that is so different from the rest of the world. Someday, I’d like to see a koala bear and a kookaburra.

15. South Africa – I’ve always watched Discovery Channel and National Geographic and what better way to see everything up close and personal than to go visit and explore South Africa. I want to see the Table Mountains, ride a jeep through the savannah and get face to face with the big five (Lion, Elephant, Leopards, Buffaloes and Rhinos) in Kruger National Park and don my bathing suit for a dive in its great coastal waters. Ah, I definitely should learn wildlife photography before this trip.

14. Mongolia – Why Mongolia? Genghis Khan, the great unknown, chilly weather, and wild horses galloping in the countryside, is enough answer for me. Even the name of their capital city invokes the curiosity of learning something foreign – Ulaan Baatar. So I’d like to look out from my room, hugging my jacket closer, and see the four Holy Peaks. Then, learn, see or visit the monasteries, the Khövsgöl Nuur (Microsoft Word can’t even spell it.)

13. Brazil – I already mentioned National Geographic and Discovery Channel. So I guess you shouldn’t be surprised to see Brazil near the top ten of my list. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen the Amazon River portrayed as a great provider of life to many wildlife creatures. I don’t know if I can have the courage to be that close to so many wild animals in the Amazon Jungle but I do know that just to be able to say that I’m in the same country as those wild animals will be good enough for me. But it isn’t only the Amazon jungle, nor the wild animals, nor the flora and fauna, it’s also probably the vibrant life and contagious joy of the people of Brazil.

12. New Zealand – Before the onslaught of Lord of the Rings, I saw the 100% Pure New Zealand tourism ad and I was already hooked. Just seeing those seemingly unexplored snow-capped glacial mountains, diving and seeing the whales, and the quiet, serene beauty of the clear lakes and deserted beaches. Ah, I don’t need a movie to tell me that I should put this country in my must-see, must-visit-if-I-have-enough-money list. I can almost imagine the photographs New Zealand will give me an opportunity to produce.

11. Switzerland – Ah, Swiss watches, Swiss knives, Swiss chocolate and the Swiss Alps. The country boasts of reliable banks, alpine landscapes, first class ski resorts, and irresistible chocolate. For a chocolate lover like me, just that tiny bit will attract me to Switzerland. But there is one important bit of trivia that is etched in my mind about this country – they are a brainy lot, because they have produced more Nobel Prize winners than any country in the world. Not bad for chocolate eaters, eh?

10. Norway – As we enter into the top ten, I will put in a country filled my imagination of anything Viking stories, Norse mythology and the big, beautiful, misty landscapes as backdrop of the Midnight Sun in Norway. It’s supposedly filled with mountains, fjords and glaciers. It’s also the number one country to live in (that I know of), so maybe I’d like to see how one go about the past of the big, bad Viking side by side to the modern day Norwegian.

9. China – I love how Lonely Planet describes China - It’s not another country, it is another world. China is somewhat close to home what with probably millions of Chinese settling here in my country and me loving their chicken feet, noodles and special brand of fried chicken. Aside from that, as you can probably guess, a country steeped in history is one major attraction for me, and you couldn’t get more historic in Asia than China. From the shaolin, the Forbidden City, the different customs, the social divide, to the TerraCotta Warriors and the Great Wall. I probably would have to eat lots of dimsum and noodles because a short visit just won’t cut it in China.

8. Morocco – If the place is called Marrakech and it doesn’t sound exotic to you, then I don’t know what is. Maybe you can visit any souk in Morocco and it will tell you how exotic this country is. Rugs, jewelry, woodwork and leather fill the tiny shops in marketplaces. It’s architecture and lifestyle shows a merging of European and Islamic influences. Morocco epitomizes Bohemian to me. Maybe it’s just me, but I love how Morocco lets my imagination runs free with thoughts of snake charmers, colorful jugglers, magicians, storytellers and fortune hunters. I don’t know where gypsies originated, but I believe they will fit right in any festival or souk in Marrakech.

7. New York and Other Selected Cities of USA - Arguably the most powerful country and also the most popular, in the world, United States, I think, is overstated in some areas and understated in others. Nothing more than pop culture demanded that travel buffs come see this country. Although Filipinos would probably kill in order to visit or stay in USA, I just want to see New York, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Washington DC, Florida and Chicago. I just want to see personally what I have seen countless of times in TV shows, movies and MTVs. And well, I couldn’t very well complete this list without saying I want to visit New York, could I?

6. Spain – If I want to understand my country, I should visit Spain. And just like my country, Spain attracted me because of how immense and diverse it is. I want to see old buildings, grand Gothic architecture, Roman influences, Islamic palaces, and medieval castles. The passion of this country is immeasurable, but can be seen by producing some great artists like Picasso and Goya, can be felt by the music evident in their dance of flamenco, and can be experienced by exploring its best cities. I love the paella, the flamenco, the architecture, and I even love the language. It sounds the most romantic to me, aside from my own tongue.

5. France – Not because of the language, not only because of Eiffel Tower and the art cafes that littered Paris, but because of how the mere mention of the city appeals to our romantic notions. But the Tower is a big bonus. And so are the cafes. The sumptuous desserts, the romantic Frenchman, the artists that frequently draw numerous lovers they see in the park. I especially like that I can also go on a pilgrimage to see the Lourdes, visit many castles, palaces and chateaus, and spend many hours scouring the wide and numerous corridors of the Louvre, looking at priceless art masterpieces. Now, I can add reliving Da Vinci Code into the list.

4. Egypt – For all my life, from childhood to early adulthood, that is, I have always been fascinated and interested in anything about Egypt. I have watched many, many documentaries telling stories of Egypt’s great Pharaohs, the mysteries that surround the pyramids, the Sphinx, the ancient history of its great cities of Alexandria and Cairo. Just the sheer amount of history will leave me in awe when I get to visit this country. But also, no other country in the world captivated my imagination and interest more than Egypt, from the Valley of the Kings, the pyramids of Giza, to the Sphinx, Luxor, Alexandria and Cairo. If in my life, I can ONLY visit 3 countries outside of my own, Egypt will be one of them.

3. Italy – There isn’t anything about Italy that I don’t like. I can see myself grabbing a bike, arranging my backpack, and on I will go. I’ll visit Roman ruins, gawk at Renaissance Art in Firenze, explore the canals of Venice, see the latest fashion in Milan, visit the Colosseum in Rome, the beaches in Sardinia, the castles and museums in Naples, plus I should probably mention that there are churches, basilicas, piazzi, parks, museums, fountains scattered all along the country that are worth seeing. All these and the Vatican, too. It makes for the perfect travel of a Catholic art and history enthusiast like me. If I’ll be able to only visit and explore Italy and no other country, I will already be content. I promise.

2. England – Forget about the boring, sober, impolite, staid reputation of this country. It’s number two on my list because the names of Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Geoffrey Chaucer, and Charles Dickens invoke a feeling of reverence for a bookworm like me. Any place that can give birth and produce such powerful literary geniuses will be top of my list. Okay, so I am also thinking that I love, absolutely adore, British accent, British humor, and British actors. Not to mention that England has a history, many stories woven to create that history, that I have only read about in many, many books. Stonehenge, Big Ben and the Buckingham Palace are just bonuses for me.

1. Philippines – I am determined to explore my own country, by hook or by crook, by comfortable ways or by budget means. I’d like to visit and look out at the angry, swelling sea from atop a hill in Batanes, to marvel at the high cathedral-like ceiling of the chapel in Callao Caves, explore the past in Vigan, walk 9 kms to a better view of the Rice Terraces, count the Hundred Islands, question why Chocolate Hills are green, hike to the top of the highest mountain in Luzon, snorkel in Honda Bay, be awed by the limestone cliffs in Coron, take a trip down the Underground River, get wild in Boracay, see the dolphins in Dumaguete, the turtles in Mindoro, the surfers in Siargao and the pearl divers in Davao. Join the Flower Festival, the Ati-atihan, Maskara, Higantes, and the Pahiyas. Ah, and I won't ever, ever forget, nor say goodbye permanently, to the bustling, busy streets of Manila, this place I call Home.

And in all my travels,

Past, future and present

I shall remember to:

Be open and mindful of other cultures.

Take lots of pictures.

Explore off beaten tracks.

Hear the history.

Feel the vibrant cities...

and always,

always

Keep all the Memories.

- elaney (the travel personal creed)

He's Just Not That Into You

A long review, because the book calls for it. Much debate, mostly within myself and also would like to go on and on about this for the sake of reminding myself and pointing things out for my girl friends.

The book is titled 'He's Just Not Into You' and was written by a Man (consultant for Sex and the City), and the Woman, (one of the writers of said show), Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.

I was curious about the book but it's not in my priority of reading materials. I seldom make 'excuses' for guys or men (as a matter of fact, my friends tell me to cut the guys some slack) and I always berate myself anyway, so I don't need a book to scold me, I do that to myself.

Then, Rhea bought and gave me a copy of the book, so I read it last night and finished it this morning before our sojourn to Divisoria. It's an easy read, funny, straight to the point (bordering on being brutally honest) and any girl can relate. Even I, who didn't much have a love life for all my 28 years on earth, I can relate. At least with two chapters. But you'll recognize your friends from the stories told in the book. This is a must read for all Singletons who loves the philosophy of strong women capable of love of Sex and the City.

He's Just Not Into You if He's Not Asking You Out...Okay, this is one of the only two chapters applicable to me. The (guy) author said, 'if he likes you, then he will ask you out'. I know this. I'm a smart girl, and I've been friends with so many guys so I know what they're like. I know that when they like somebody, you don't have to push them so hard in the right direction. They will try to find a way to pursue the girl. On the same note, if they don't like someone, you'll hear hundreds of excuses. I know that.

But still, it's hard for me to sit still and wait for destiny to happen, or for something to happen in my life. It's hard for me not to take the initiative in anything I feel passionate about. And it's going to be very difficult for me not to express my feelings (like show the guy I like that I like him) and wait for him to make the first move.

And in relation to that...He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Calling You. Gah! If the first (of only two chapters) chapter is difficult, this is doubly so. I was a salesperson. I was trained that a sale can be made if you push subtly. I was trained that a phone call to your client can make a big difference. Besides which, I love chatting on the phone. With my girl friend and with my guy friends, I like the combination of the comfort of my bed and a good conversation. And here they are, telling me to go back to cave men days, appease chauvinistic pigs, and not be first one to call, or not to call the guy at all. They are telling me to do two things, to sit down and not be the aggressor and to not pick up the phone unless he's the one calling me.

If I find these two difficult, I can imagine what my friends will be going through reading the whole book. The next chapters are no longer applicable to me. Unless you count always liking guys who don't like me as going for Unavailable Men, then no, I can no longer find me in the other stories.

Here are some of the funny excerpts from the book that I think are important to remember:

I hate to tell you but that whole 'I don't want to ruin the friendship' excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise...But if we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves -- we want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.

Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. If we want you, we will find you.

Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.

You are good enough to be asked out.

The big question is, 'is it okay for a guy to forget to call me?' I'm saying to you, No. Barring disaster, someone had to be rushed to the hospital, he was fired, he should never forget to call you.

If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. You deserve a fucking phone call.

I looked up 'I don't want to be your boyfriend' in the Relationship Dictionary, just to make sure I wasn't mistaken but I was right. It still means 'I don't want to be your boyfriend.'

Really? Is 'better than nothing' what we're going for now? I was hoping for at least a lot better than nothing. Perhaps even something.

Learn it, live it, like it, love it: If a man likes you, he's going to want to have sex with you.

Companionship is wonderful, but companionship with sex is even better.

He just cheated on you and called you fat. How many low self-esteem protein shakes can one person drink? If he has a problem in your relationship, he's supposed to talk to you about it not put-his-penis-in-a-strange-vagina about it.

There is no excuse for cheating. Let me say it again. There is no excuse for cheating.

Remember this. Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has 'issues' with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with you...He's saying he doesn't want to get married to YOU.

Break up sex is hot. Emotional. Amazing... Hey girl, Put down the penis, put your clothes back on, and go directly to your best friend's house.Do not think that because of all the crazy hotness of it all, it now means that you're meant to be together.

He's Just Not That Into You If He's Disappeared On You...He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but most likely he's just not that into you.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

----

And here are two excerpts from the woman author who captured my doubts and my realizations completely. Funny because the realization, I found in the first chapter and the doubts, I found in the last...

Liz: There aren't many good men around. Statistics prove it. There are more good women out there than good men... I don't know about you but I hate being single... There are many days when I personally think it's better to be with someone who your friends hate, but will help you carry the groceries, than be alone...I know we have to love ourselves and we deserve happiness and be optimistic, but I also think it sucks to be single.

Greg's answer (and one of two learnings):
The statistics are bleak. Fuck statistics. It's your life -- how dare you not have faith in it!

(And that's the whole point isn't it? When you lose hope, or when I lose hope, I'm also losing faith that my life could get better, and I'm losing faith in Him that He could make my life better.)

Liz: And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out.

(There. That's it. The answer to my questions.)

--------

Okay, so what's my question, again? I was thinking that out of so many chapters I can only think of two things I did wrong, and yet I'm still single. I have high standards, I never settle, and I love myself enough that I don't make excuses for any guy. My only faults are that I often feel like I should do something, and not wait for the guy to make the first move.

Well, that the crux of this whole situation isn't it? Why do I feel the need to pursue? Why can't I just wait for the guy to ask me out and make me feel like a goddess? Because I feel like time is running out. I feel like a loser for not having someone, for still being single. And I feel like the good guys out there are beginning to sound like an Urban Legend to me.

And I feel the need to tell my phone conversation with one of my best guy buddies. (I already told Rhea about it, but the book just confirmed it for me).

We were talking about how I get panicky sometimes about getting older and still be single. I was chalking it up to biological clock or to loneliness, but he told me, so what if you're getting older? Age is all in my head, he said. Then I proceeded to regale him with why I think being single sucks. All those pitying looks from Smug Marrieds, and all the queries about why am I still single running through my head. Then, he paused, and said seriously and sincerely, 'hey, if you grow old and gray and still remain single, I wouldn't think any less of you.'

In the end, I still think I'm a loser for still being single. And what my friend said just changed that, it made me feel better. It made me re-think how I see myself. That one line and I know what I have to do. No more thinking I'm a loser if I'm still single. Single does not equal Loser. And Me defintely doesn't equal Loser. It goes against all the things I know I am, that I'm a goddess, just waiting for the right mortal man who's good enough and deserving to be with me. (Okay, let's not get carried away here... That I know I'm Hot Stuff, will do.)

I had many realizations, laughs and I recognized almost all my girl friends from the stories in this book. It changed my perspective, it strengthen my resolve (not to settle) and it made me feel good about being a single woman.

Not bad for a book, wouldn't you say?

-----------
*I hope I won't get sued for posting excerpts here from the book. Don't sue!

The "Perfect" Guy

Sean (Robin Williams): You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.

* * *

I have written dozens of personal essays regarding this topic. The One, Mr. Right, etc, all pointing towards the Perfect Guy. I said before that the perfect guy may not be 'perfect' according to everyone's standards. He's not perfect, neither am I. The question is 'are we perfect for each other?' I told my friends, that's what we have to look for. The guy who's seemingly perfect for us.

And then comes the problem. How can you tell? If he's perfect for you?

When I was young and naive, I thought I have a soulmate somewhere waiting for the right time to meet me. Maybe I still have one and maybe he's still taking his time, but I revised my definition of what a soulmate was. I thought a soul mate is someone who will complete me. Right my wrongs, and fill out the missing pieces. I thought a soul mate is someone like a doctor who will cure all my hurts and pain. I was wrong.

I see people, couples who thought they had found their soulmate, the perfect one. They said, 'he's perfect for me'. Oh yeah? If he's perfect for you why is he not with you now? Why is he cheating on you? Why didn't it work between the two of you? Why is he not into you as much as you are into him? You look at him and think, 'oh he's just perfect' and you're already thinking of how your hands will fit, how your children will look like and how good you two would look together in a wedding picture. He's everything you wanted in a guy. So he's perfect.

You expect him to be the knight in shining armor that you think he is. You think he'll change his bad ways because it's you, and you're soulmates and why shouldn't he change for you, but he won't. Somehow, the question of whether he's perfect for you has a blurry, muddy answer, but you still convinced yourself you're soulmates, and he's the one and he's perfect for me, just because you wanted to believe it so much.

I maybe old and cynical and I may not be right (since I haven't really found the said soulmate or the said perfect guy) but here's my take on it.

I don't think a soul mate completes you. Me, I think my soul mate will and should (if he is my soul mate and if there is such a thing) make me fly. He will argue with me, point out different views and makes me think. He will inspire me to do better things, good things, things I have always wanted to do, but didn't have the courage to do so. He will be different from me, but also the same. He and I can be apart, yet together. I do not constantly need to talk to him, to see him, just to check if we're still magical together. He's perfect because we both love God. And he knows that God is the one I need, and God is the one who will complete me, and he's there to strengthen my relationship with Him. He'll remind me to have faith when I'm losing hope, to not hurt others when life becomes cruel and he'll always support me, because he respects me, believes in me and trusts me. That is love. An image of love that comes from how much God loves us.

If you love a person to the point that you exclude everything and everyone else, I don't think he's for you. God doesn't want you to think only of yourself. If you love a person that it borders on need, (neediness) then I don't think he's your soul mate. God didn't make our soul mates as 'subsititutes' for Him. I don't think He wants you to worship your soul mate, need your soul mate more than you need Him. If you love your guy, that it doesn't matter if you're constantly hurt, battered or others are hurting because of your relationship, then he isn't perfect. God wants you to love yourself and to love others, not be selfish, and not come to the point where you lack self-respect. Sometimes we like someone so much that we forget ourselves, we want the person so much that we forget how to be mindful of others feelings. We forsake everything else.

The most unfortunate thing is that you do all these things because you think he's 'perfect' he's the perfect one for you, and you'll find out that it's only in your head. That he's perfect, just because you wanted him to be.

Of course it isn't easy. Finding the one. God may not even have someone for me. And I'm still struggling to be content should there be none. I should. After all I have His love. But I'm hoping He change His mind. Life is hard. Finding love is harder. Sometimes I'm tempted to just convince myself, lie to myself, make myself believe someone is perfect for me, just to tell myself I have someone. It works for others, why not me? But I can't. That's not the way I'm build.

The love I am really looking for is just little like His love. Someone who will inspire me, makes me fly and open my life to new and wonderful things without losing myself. And if there's nothing like that in store for me, then, I may settle (in desperation), I may not. But I won't lie to myself and tell myself that I found the perfect one, my soul mate, the one He meant for me, when I haven't. Lying to myself doubles the tragedy that I don't have the One.

I'm still hoping though, that He made someone for me, because He wouldn't want me to settle. and be lonely. Right, God?

God? You still there?

* * *

Sean :Do you have a soul mate?
Will (Matt Damon): Define that.
Sean : Someone you can relate to, someone who opens things up for you

- Good Will Hunting

Mid-year Crisis

Half of the year is almost done. And I found my To do List for 2005 when I was going through my previous entries. Here's a quick check of where I stand. (And should there be changes???)

So here it is. What I plan to do in 2005.

1. Find a kindergarten teaching job (even if it's across the globe). - Oops. Changed my mind about kindergarten. It isn't as easy as I thought. And another oops. No job come June. :( (-2 points for the two jobs I didn't accept, just because it was Math.)

2. Be the kind of teacher I would want MY teacher to be. - At least during practice teaching, I think, I believe, I'm improving. (.5 point)

3. Play more with Chewy, his days are numbered. - Hmm, Chewy doesn't like to play. But then, I can try, right? (.5 point)

4. Have more patience, resilience (in teaching, Lola, and for #6). - Hah. If whining endlessly can be called patient, then, yes I was patient. (2 points)

5. Go to Palawan (Underground River, Honda Bay, Coron) and dive. - Still have half the year to do this. (0 points)

6. Look for True Love (hmmm...). - I'm trying! (0 point for lack of results, 1 point for trying)

7. Resolve to be fit, if not lose some fat (to prepare for more strenuous activities). - Geesh, Im depressed okay. That's my excuse. (-1 point for making excuses)

8. Stay pretty, always (do not go out looking frumpy). - As always. (1 point for shopping for great clothes - to look pretty - in Divisoria)

9. Take care of skin (facials & lotions), hair (relaxed) and feet (foot spas). - Gah. My feet is ugly. (0 point)

10. Be updated in movies, music and the current events. - This is being done religiously. (4 points for keeping abreast with things even though there are more important things to do. Hehe. This point system doesn't make sense.)

11. Fly to somewhere exotic but out of the country, like Phnom Penh or Vientienne. - Moved to 2006 (0 points)

12. Save some, even if it's only for travels. - Don't have money to go to Banawe. Need I say more? (-1 point)

13. Try not to be too depressed at turning 29. (Gah! How can I not be?!?) - Yes, how can I not be? (-.5 for feeling depressed way before turning 29)

14. Go to Batanes, even if it takes one day to get there. (via land transport...tee hee.) - Palawan first before Batanes. So moved to 2006. (0 points)

15. Wait patiently for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in July, Bob Ong's new book whenever, and read more books aside from bestsellers. - Already bough Bob Ong's seemingly children's book, and already reserved my copy of HP and the HBP. Yey! Can't wait! (2 solid points)

16. Don't forget to go out with old friends. - I don't. It's just that they're too busy. Oh well, at least I'm trying. (2 points for constantly bugging Hedda and Joann, RV, and Arno to meet up)

17. Do take inventory of clothes, shoes and bags before buying another. - Oops. (-1 point for the mess that is my closet)

18. Help initiate take off of Mom's (family) business. - I'm helping. I'm doing more this year. Since I don't have a job, I have to earn my keep somehow. (2 points so far for this item)

19. Keep room tidy as I can make it. - Failed, have I. (-1 point for lousy Yoda attempt)

20. Take care of Mad Max. - Gah. I tried. IT's the man's fault, not mine. Honestly. (-1 point)

21. Regular breast check up every 6 months. (March, September) - Wee. The March Miracle Check up. Great. (2 points for praying)

22. Daydream less, go out more. - I'll just deduct point, no explanations needed. (-1 point)

23. Don't judge a book by its cover. (Or, at least I'll try not to ask for pictures...) - oh yes, I've tried. (1 point for trying)

24. Avoid loneliness-, desperation-inducing thoughts. - Failed again. I just allowed myself to go through a 2-week depression-filled, self-pitying state. Sheesh. (-2 points)

25. Volunteer. - made the first tiny step. (.5 point)

Not bad.
A total of 8 points.
Out of 25.
I think that's bad.
Oh well.
Need to work double time.

------
* A friend told me that 'buti ka pa di napapagod makipag date', at a time when I'm trying hard to recover from a personal slump. It's like telling a recovering drug addict, buti ka pa, you can say no to drugs.

Damn!

I can't help it.

I was driving my family to Megamall, but I'm running low on gas. So I made my way to a gasoline station. After getting gas, I slowly crept out of the station. This is a street with an island in the middle. We're on one side of the island so I came on a full stop, was looking at the incoming cars on my left, so we can safely merge with the traffic flowing towards my right.

Then...BAM!

A man with a bicycle slammed on the front of my car and I wasn't even moving. How lucky can I get? What's more, he's blaming me for damaging his bike. The nerve!!! I didn't think I could get more exasperated with the whole situation, but then, my mom chose to yell at me for not looking at said bike and not moving my car. Great. Like even if I saw the man coming (which I didn't because he's on a counter-flow!) I can move my car backward or forward it'll keep him from slamming onto us. He didn't stop. He was biking on a counter-flow traffic and he's not looking where he's going. I was at the side of the road, the car on a full stop and my mother and the man were blaming me!

How unfair! I was crying foul and my mom keeps heaping blame on me. I should have looked both ways, because people here are stupid and so undisciplined you cannot expect them to act rationally. I should be more alert, even if the car is on full stop. Shit! I've never felt so angry at the unfairness of it all. The most galling thing is that he's not even hurt and he said I need to pay to fix his bike. Gah!!!

And this is just a little thing. But it frustrates me to no end.

Not to mention that Mad Max now has two dimples on his right side and several cat-like scratches. Grrr!!!

On the other hand, it could be worse. He could've called several men to gang up on us and make us pay more just to avoid confrontation. (And he's already calling gasoline boys, truck drivers and others and trying to get sympathy...the jerk! He's just out for some easy money! Swine!) And Mad Max could have sustained major injuries that cannot be fixed by a detailer.

For that brief moment of sheer frustrated anger, my dark side told me how much I will enjoy punching the daylights out of that man. It must have been how Anakin felt. It must have been great to just wave your hand and there'll be an invisible hand to squeeze the neck of an irritating man that dares to ruin your sun shiny day. Fortunately (or unfortunately), it was only a brief moment and I know it's wrong to think of enjoying yourself hurting another person who caused your anger, no matter how natural that sounds.

And I don't have Force powers.

If I do, any scratch on Mad Max and there'll be necks on the line.

Huuuuhh...Haaaahhh....(that is Darth Vader breathing)

*I'm still on Star Wars mood...don't get me going.

The Force and The Geek

"I have a very bad feeling about this..." - Luke Skywalker, Episode IV A New Hope

Call me a geek.

My first crush was Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker, dressed in white, with white boots, cleaning droids in Tatooine. I was six or seven and I was in love. I've watched A New Hope more times than you can count in our Betamax player. My Dad has two Star Wars tapes then, A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back and I can't get enough of them. It gotten to the point that I can turn the TV mute and I still know what they were saying. When Return of the Jedi completed the trilogy, I was already hooked long before it came out.

I can spout Star Wars trivia (but I'm nothing compared to Certified SW Geeks) and characters and everything was just so amazing. And I'm so excited to have watched the 3 prequels. I can still remember when I watched Episode One, midnight screening. It was raining and everyone in Glorietta 4 was excited and some were even wearing costumes. As much as it pains me to admit it, I didn't like Episode 2 that much. The romance factor in SW doesn't sit that well with me. But I liked this latest SW movie. You kinda forget how bad Darth Vader turned out to be.

The 3 prequels just made me think of how great Episodes 4-6 would be if they shoot and make the movies now. Gah! The Yavin 4 Battle scene, the Hoth planet, The Cloud City, and maybe Endor will be similar to Naboo. The destruction of Alderaan and the Death Star will be impressive sights, to say the least. Dagobah and Yoda, and all the aliens in Mos Eisley cantina will look more alien. And Darth Vader, when the mask was taken off in ROTJ will look like Hayden Christensen. Or maybe not. Ah, the possibilities. But then again, my Luke Skywalker will no longer look the same and Harrison Ford will no longer make a good Han Solo. So I might just as well leave it be.

My geekiness reached new heights when I discovered books and later on, the internet. I bought Star Wars books (the trilogy and all novels after that...). It opened a bigger Star Wars universe for me. I recommend Timothy Zahn's Star Wars novels. Feels like George Lucas was writing. Anyway, Im imagining a world if Star Wars is real.

Everyone near death can be saved by taking a dip in bacta tanks. Travelling has a whole new meaning with ships that can land vertically and can travel lightspeed. Traffic will no longer be a problem with flying transportation. I like the idea of an ysalamiri, Underwater world, and royal costumes like what Amidala and Leia wore.

Ah, imagine a world where spouting off "May the Force be with you." is not considered the ultimate Geek sign and making lightsaber sounds (Zzzz, ZZZ, zzzz....) is cool.

The possibilities are endless. And that's why I love Star Wars.

Fat Words?

I would just like to post these 2 words. I knew about Rubenesque (and I've used that several times) but I'd like to promote appreciation of the beauty of the 'full-figured' woman. *cough. cough*

---------

zaftig \ZAHF-tig\ adjective : having a full rounded figure : pleasingly plump

Example sentence:The Flemish painters were masters of the oil medium, rendering zaftig beauties, robust burghers, hunting scenes, and allegorical subjects with subtle interplays of light and color.

Did you know?

"Real women have curves," as a 2002 movie title proclaimed. They are pleasingly plump, full-figured, shapely, womanly, curvy, curvaceous, voluptuous, statuesque. They are, in a word, zaftig. "Zaftig" has been juicing up our language since the 1930s (the same decade that gave us Yiddish-derived "futz," "hoo-ha," "nosh," and "schmaltz," not to mention "lox"). It comes from the Yiddish "zaftik," which means "juicy" or "succulent" and which in turn derives from "zaft," meaning "juice" or "sap."

*www.m-w.com

Rubenesque (roo-buh-NESK) adjective

Full-figured; rounded; voluptuous,

[After Flemish artist Peter Paul Rubens (1577-1640) knownfor depiction of plump female figures in his paintings.]

Rubens's paintings: http://ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/rubens/

"But our society admires thinness -- the Rubenesque Marilyn Monroe likely would be considered too plump these days -- and so some of our children, in the quest to look attractive, may starve themselves." S. Jennifer Hunter; Where Were Schiavo's Loved Ones As Disorder Led to Downfall?; Chicago Sun-Times; Apr 6, 2005.

* wsmith@wordsmith.org

*have to edit this entry and backdate...so as not to intervene with my Star Wars entry...hehehe

Random Thoughts

Yesterday, I decided it's time to buy birthday greeting cards. I guess I'm the only person I know who's still into greeting cards. It's a lost practice. No one gives greeting cards anymore. Everything became fast and easy via the internet. Well, I'm still of the lost breed. I like cards. I have a collection of it, and I just like giving it to friends. I guess I like it because of the thought behind getting the card, reading through numerous cards and then choosing the right one for the right person on the right occasion. I believed this until of course, the guy beside me in National Bookstore glanced at what's written inside a card he just grabbed randomly from the shelf and paid for the card hastily.

Oh well. I bought 7 birthday greeting cards. Yes, 7. And those are just the close friends who're all celebrating their birthdays during the second half of May and the first half of June -- the Geminis.

* * *

Gemini - Like children they are lively, and happy, if circumstances are right for them, or egocentric, imaginative and restless. They take up new activities enthusiastically but lack application, constantly needing new interests, flitting from project to project as apparently purposelessly as a butterfly dancing from flower to flower. To them life is a game which must always be full of fresh moves and continuous entertainment, free of labor and routine.

Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring. The negative Libran character may show frivolity, flirtatiousness and shallowness. It can be changeable and indecisive, impatient of routine, colorlessly conventional and timid, easygoing to the point of inertia, seldom angry when circumstances demand a show of annoyance at least; and yet Librans can shock everyone around them with sudden storms of rage.

I don't know why, (I believe it has something to do with my being a Libran...) but out of all the Zodiacs, I have the strongest affinity towards the Geminis. Ria E., Ria B., Arno, Melan, Sarah, Joann and Mutie (And that guy friend from the past whose name sounds like a chocolate bar). They're the kind of old friends who were partners-in-crime, shopping partners, secret keepers and cheerleaders. We have the friendship that you can confess to a dirty deed and not feel guilty about any of it. The only people that can read me like a book (besides Remcy and RV) and can out-talk me anytime.

Hmm, I have to send out these cards tomorrow.

* * *

Talked to RV last night. As usual, the banter is there. We traded insults like it's what close friends do all the time, and I complained and I can imagined him rolling his eyes several times but it was good to be lectured again. I admit, I have these thoughts in my head that needs organization and since Remcy is out of the country, RV is the next best thing. They go about it differently though. My best friend listens and sits quietly and tells me how to sort out my priorities and put some semblance of organization in my life. RV sighs, takes a deep breath and tells me exactly what to do. Both works for me. Those two are the only people who can point me in the right direction.

But they're not Geminis.

* * *

While talking to old friends last night, (3 old friends in fact, who I miss terribly) I was in an emotional roller coaster. The first one, we talked about silly things like Star Wars (call me a Geek, I earned it.) and blind dates. The second friend told me her most recent love story. I'm a sucker for romance, but I admit, with age, it has become tiresome and somewhat of a sore point for me. But she made me remember why I like talking about love. The giggling, the butterflies in the stomach, the sighs and how your knees melt. Of course, I was very aware of the ugliness of love. The pain of unrequited love, the ugly jealousy and the petty grievances due to high expectations. That was not her story and so I welcomed it wholeheartedly.

Nice to hear a good, ol' fashioned love story every now and then. Makes me believe in love again. A little.

* * *

Something about what RV said struck me last night. Two things actually. He said, 'so, if you're an old maid, so what?' Yes, so what? What is it such a big deal? I guess I just don't like to be pitied, and I don't like feeling inferior, and never belonging to the crowd. But really, if that is my life, so what? I just have to make peace with it.

The second thing is that he said he's giving himself 5 years to pursue a dream. And then I realized I was too hard on myself. I've given myself 2 years and now I'm impatient and I'm giving up.

I began to re-think my situation. Achieving dreams are worth the extra 3 years, don't you think?

* * *

Hmm, I hope all plans to meet up with old friends pushes through this week and the next. Plus the outing with the girls. I started dieting today. I started dieting for the nth time. Hehe. Hopefully tomorrow is not another start. :-p

"Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world -- making the most of one's best."-- Richard Willard Armour (1906-89), American poet

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."-- Saint Francis of Assisi (1182-1226), Reconized as having lived an exceptionally holy life

I'm getting ready to get out of this personal slump that I've been in for the last few weeks. It's especially been easy to just think of all the negative things and wallow in self-pity rather than get out and do something about it. I don't really have anything to say. I just want to post St. Francis' prayer. My favorite prayer. But well, I'm going to write a few lines running through my head, so I won't go crazy just letting it be.

I wonder, why is it not okay for me not to have it all? Why is it such a shame that I don't have a job come June? Why am I feeling guilty about turning down two job offers when I really can't see myself in those schools? Do I want to have a job for job's sakes only? I went into this profession, because I feel that this is what I wanted. Now, I'm finding out that there maybe something else in store for me.

Hmm, the thing is, I'm the only one making me feel this way.

Go figure. I can make myself fully depressed and console myself two weeks after. Talk about weird, huh?

The Office

Just before ten, I had a mind to rant again. I wanted to whine, to wallow in generous helpings of self-pity and to drown myself in sorrows thinking of all the things that I lacked and why there's no hope for me anymore.

Then, I switched on the TV and saw that 'The Office' was on in Star World.

I just want to say, that if you ever, ever need a lift in the spirit, David Brent will not fail you. 'The Office' is one of the funniest tv shows I've watched, and David Brent is hilarious as everyone's worst nightmare when it comes to bosses. I laughed out loud, (loud enough for my sister to overhear me from two rooms away), that I almost cried. I don't laugh easily. I'm so jaded, and sometimes so clueless that I tend to laugh mildly, either not getting the joke or not thinking it's funny.

But not David Brent. Oh no. He just bumped off Billy Crystal at the top of my list of Favorite Men to be stuck in an Island with, a la Lost. (Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves, Eminem, Daniel Radcliffe and Tom Felton are further down the list because I don't know if they're funny or witty. If I will be lost in an island and stuck with someone, I'll like to be able to laugh.)

I thought Sunday night TV is boring. I was wrong. David Brent just made my day.

Wit

"People who can't be witty, exert themselves to be devout and passionate." - G. Elliot

...And I wonder what happened to those who are not witty neither are they devout and passionate. Maybe there is something wrong with me that I placed too much value on wit. I don't even know if what I consider witty is the same as the others. I sometimes meet people who tries too hard to be witty and I couldn't help but cringe everytime they made some disparaging remarks disguised as wit that falls flat on its face.

I don't even consider myself witty. I just like witty people. Or like what my friend says, someone with an 'occasional' flash of brilliant wit.

In the Philippines, witty is synonymous with funny and they are not the same at all. Funny is just the ability to be amusing. That's it. Witty is to be amusingly clever. You don't have to be clever to be funny, especially here in our country, where people used to laughed at Tito, Vic and Joey, Rene Requiestas and the likes. Filipinos are easily amused. Someone slips and we laugh. Someone is thrown into an embarrassing situation and we laugh. Someone gets bludgeon by something hard in the head and we laugh.

That kind of humor is not hard to find. I remember someone I just met make some embarrassingly stupid jokes (even the delivery and punch line were forced!) to try to be witty. Or he's just trying to be funny? I guess people have the misconception that women likes 'funny' people. Oh yeah, we like them for a minute. Then, we move on. Witty people make me stay and linger and talk for quite sometime. I make a very good audience for witty people.

But I think this is just me. I can name 4 guys I considered witty among my friends or those that I've known or met. 4 guys! Out of all the guys I've met and I can only name 4. Gah! (And! 3 of those four are my best buddies. Not to be regarded with even the barest hint of romantic inclination whatsoever). The hopelessness of this search is descending upon me. If I continue to search for wit in a partner, spinsterhood is not very far away.

So, who's funny and who's witty? Well it's just me. Others might have a different opinion. But...Joey de Leon is not witty. Neither is Willie. Bayani, I find funny. I don't know if he's bordering on witty but I really think he's funny. (Call me Pinoy!) This doesn't sound good. I can't even name a celebrity who's witty (a Pinoy celebrity who has the capacity to be amusingly clever?!?). Oh well, Frasier is witty in Cheers. Chandler, I like because he seems to be the most aware and also the most clueless of the bunch. I like Billy Crystal in 'When Harry Met Sally'. That movie is full of wit. And 'Love Actually' is a witty representation of love. I like the sexy wit of Sex and the City and the wit behind all of those British shows (i.e. The Kumars, The Office and Absolutely Fabulous). I like British humor. It is not like ours filled with disparaging remarks about people and green jokes and toilet humor. British humor is often dry and sarcastic and most people just don't get it. (Although they say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. :D)

One last thing though. I read some blogs of other Pinoys and some are downright witty. That unique combination of being smart and funny. I think the Pinoy's wit is best served in written form. We Pinoys never lacked witty writers. Sadly, our entertainment industry is desperately in need of something 'clever'.

I think I have to revised my opinions on wit. I have to change my requirements a little. Wit is something you have or you don't. Wit is something you value or not at all. I don't think anyone can influence anybody to like wit. Either you like it since you can understand a coherent thought or you don't. A friend told me, that since she met me, she's also been looking for witty people. I don't think so. She's just saying that she's looking for wit, but if she lived most of her life, liking just 'funny' things, her standards of what is witty is incongruous. He he. She'll probably hit me for saying this, but she likes to be kind to people, and she enjoys the company of guys who (based from her stories) don't display a sparkling brilliance of wit. Anyway, I think she's just confused because we talked a lot. She's probably looking for a guy who's kind to her, like she is to others. Or who's funny.

That is what I have to change. I have to stop looking for the Pinoy guy who has a deeply ingrained sense of British humor in his repertoire. I have to gain a deeper appreciation for the Pinoy brand of wit. My kind of wit to be exact. That need to make fun of, laugh at and roll eyes on Pinoy antics and on my life.

The Power to be Happy

You have the power to MAKE YOUR LIFE HAPPY.
Don't wait for someone or something.

My best friend said I should write about a quote about life but i wanted to write something about love. This quote is something about both.

Who doesn't want to be happy? Everybody does. We look for happiness in every turn and in every aspect of our lives that we are not contented to be happy in one area, we'll complain and whine until we are happy in another. We always say, 'I'll really be happy if...' why should there be 'ifs' and 'buts' to happiness I don't know. But i can understand and i can fully relate because i'm one of the millions of people who do this everyday of their lives. No matter how hard i try to be happy just for being alive, i still insert that little word, 'but'.

I have a great life. I'm closer to my family than ever before, we go out every time and i think myself a loser for just going out with my family and not with someone or with friends. I'm reaching for one dream, and i'm still not happy because i told myself i'll not be happy until i fulfill this one dream. I'm happy that i have friends to talk to, to laugh with and to exchange non-consequential and mundane things in life, but no, i'll not be happy until i a married.

Don't get me wrong, i appreciate all the things that God has given me. But i'm often guilty of wanting too much, of expecting too much. Hasn't God given me everything that is really important in life? Health, family and love? But i still want more and i think God will not get too angry at me for wanting more. I believe He just wants me to appreciate what i have now and be happy for those, but i can go on wanting more.

I believe that the problem lies in the fact that i postpone happiness. If I am with family, then i should be happy and feel happy because others may want to spend time with their family but they can't because their parents don't have time for them. If i am with girl friends, then i should be happy because couples don't get to spend time with their friends anymore, all they do is live in their little cocoon, where the two of them are the only people living in there. If I lost 5 pounds, I am not happy, because I want to lose 30. Gah. If i'm taking a journey to reach one dream, i should celebrate, because not many people even have taken any steps to reach their dreams and some even don't know what they truly want in life.

So it's true. I have the power to make my life happy. I don't have to wait for someone or something. I don't have to wait for the guy of my dreams to celebrate Valentines day when i can spend it with friends. Or spend it with guy friends who also wanted to get away from all the hoopla of the big Vday. Some say it's just sourgraping. Sourgraping, my ass. I admit that i am still looking for my special someone. But i won't postpone celebrating Valentines day when i can celebrate and have more fun than even couples do. I don't have to wait for the guy of my dreams to get myself flowers if i wanted flowers. Or to buy chocolates if i wanted to eat chocolates. I don't have to wait for The One to celebrate the happy moments of my life. I don't have to postpone any happiness that i can gain while i still can.

I used to think i'm a hopeless romantic. I still think those chocolates are sweeter when they are given and flowers are more beautiful when they are delivered with love. But i won't twiddle my thumbs and whine and cry until that day comes. Remember, we girls have to go out there and look for our man. So, in reality we should not be waiting for them to come, we should be out there looking at candidates. Why not celebrate while looking? Every journey is as exciting as the next one.

But I will continue to hope and to pray and to wish for him to come to me someday...like i said, i won't be waiting idly. So I'm not a hopeless romantic. I'm a hopeful fool. Hoping the One Meant For Me will just have to come see me wherever i am celebrating my tiny happy moments at the time.

Lord, please don't make him lose his way.

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*re-posted. revised today. originally written feb 5 2004

Two Sides

Disappointment is always unexpected. You always tell yourself that you won't be disappointed no matter what the outcome is, because you've prepared yourself for the worst. But that's just it...when something bad happens, you're always disappointed no matter how much you've prepared.

Hope is just like that. No matter how much you prepare yourself for the worst, so you wouldn't be so terribly disappointed, it springs in your heart, and you still look forward to the best outcome. Even when everything already turned out bad, some little part of you still hopes that things will turn around for the better.

I don't know which is more cruel, really.

A Society of Workers

"The entrepreneur is essentially a visualizer and an actualizer... He can visualize something, and when he visualizes it he sees exactly how to make it happen." -Robert L. Schwartz

Will wonders never ceased. I realized something else today. Another 'Aha!' moment. I was reading the latest Entrepreneur (Phils) magazine (because it focuses this month on Divisoria) and Manny Villar (of all people!) said something that stuck with me. He said, (something like)... "We Filipinos value education above all else. It's the end-all and be-all of everything. We study so we can find work. The Chinese are different. They study so they can be good entrepreneurs." He answered when asked of our difference with Chinese people who seem to have Midas touch in business.

The funny thing is, he's right. We are a society of workers, not entrepreneurs.

I was presently struggling and this answer came to me. I have always wanted to have my own business. Even if it's small (micro) and will not make a big difference in the economic status of our country, I wanted to work for myself. Be my own boss, so to speak. It is hard.

In our society, starting entrepreneurs are discouraged. Always getting negative reactions and discouragements from relatives, friends and families. "Mag-nursing ka na lang kaya? O kaya mag-migrate sa Canada?" Aside from bracing yourself with comments like these (which are in truth, a testament of how much faith they have in your abilities), you have to grit your teeth with disparaging comments about the country's economy. "Ang hirap ng buhay ngayon, business business ka pang nalalaman? Mas maganda ang may regular na kita, kahit mababa, sigurado ka.", "Si Ano, nag resign para magtayo ng business, ayun, walang wala na siya. Binigay kasi lahat ng kita nya sa kerida nya.", "Anong business gusto mo? E ang dami ng ganyan ngayon, di ka papatok. Mahirap yan." You haven't even started yet and your business is already a failure in their eyes.

I was thinking of my college days in UP, and everyone is dreaming of entering the multi-national companies -- Unilever, Procter & Gamble, Andersen (now Accenture), and so on and so forth. I am somewhat sorry to say that although UP provided a very good education, their curriculum trains business students to be managers and employees rather than be entrepreneurs. I thought I will have at least one entrepreneural (is that a correct word?) course where we can make our own product and sell it. Alas, our feasibility studies mostly centered on theories and making business plans.

I quit corporate world because I was tired of it. There, I've said it. I was at the top of my game. Earning twice the average income people my age are getting. (Sales is another profession that is being looked down by Filipino society. "Ano ka magbebenta? Taga-benta?" Another story...) But I was tired of it. I was tired of getting accounts, wasting my time, effort and knowledge for some multi-national company to get a few million bucks and me getting a measly (compared to the business brought in) compensation in exchange.

I was proud of myself. For finally getting the courage to pursue whatever I want to do. I want to have my own business. Study education and put up my own school. Travel and help and others. I don't know if I'll succeed or how long will it take me to get where I want to go, or even if I can do all of these, but one thing is for sure, I am free.

Alas, it was a tragedy. My family mourned. My friends were aghast. And each step I took towards my goal, was heavy. It took me two years to become a teacher. After two years, I realized that it wasn't that easy getting a job. My specialization is not in demand. I'm not good in Math, Science and even Grammar. What I know is Business. Sales and Marketing to be exact. And I was wondering why am I so hell-bent on teaching children. Well because I like to be around children. That is going outside the point, and is different from owning a business. So let's go back...

I learned one valuable lesson during my two-year bumhood. It feels good to sell. Or earn from 'sidelines', your own efforts.

I wasn't raised to be an entrepreneur. I was raised to finish my education so I can find a well-paying job. Chinese children were raised in an environment of entrepreneurship. They are the rich ones in school, but they find ways to add money to their allowances. Sell stickers, stationaries, erasers, and whatever else they can get from their house (or were probably given to them by their parents) to their Filipino classmates.

But these past two years, I cannot rely on my savings to get me through. I put my savings in a bank and find ways to get through my schooling. I sold pastries, copies of Meteor Garden I and II, cookies, Christmas Ham, and soaps to my classmates. My mother baked, my sister helped and I sell (or rather I sell to my friends and they sell to their officemates, hehe). It's humbling at first. I was dealing with executives the month before and after I'm scouring the streets of Divisoria to find cheap raw materials for whatever it is I'm planning to sell next.

When someone bought something, the feeling is exhilarating. It doesn't matter that my profit per product is very small, but the sale feels good. I now understand what those Chinese businessmen (who drives Pajeros, Benzes and BMWs but sell fruits in Divisoria) feel when they make a sale even if their profit margin is small. I can now understand our Summa Cum Laude in college. She worked in their family business after getting all those honors. All of us said 'sayang ang inaral nya'. We were wrong. That's how it should be. She's the boss of her own life. And I found out that it's in making a sale. It's that small profit goes to you, and not some lackey who just sits around and signs papers for what you've worked so hard for. It's that you thought of something and someone thinks your product is worthy of their few hard-earned pesos.

And whether or not Filipinos realize it, we study to get a job. I remember one comedian in Jay Leno saying that the stupidest TV program he knows is The Aprrentice. Everybody plays to win a million dollars, but how stupid are you who play to win a JOB?

We Filipinos are playing this game of life to win a Job. Imagine going through life working for someone until you're 60. Then we are too old, too afraid to gamble and take a risk, then we want to start a business, and mostly we fail. Why? Because when you're too old, you invest in all the wrong kinds of businesses. It became a necessity and you invest in something you don't like or is not passionate about. Kahit saan na lang. Basta safe. And you can no longer enjoy the fruits of your own business.

Since my present status in our country is still 'jobless' or 'unemployed', (can't find a High School that needs a Business teacher), I decided to start my own business. Summoning up all my courage to face the challenges ahead, I'll start this one. Who knows, someday I will write an entry that I'm already happily selling my own products and managing my own business.

You'll be the first to know.