Trusting God

As God’s rule is invincible, so it is incomprehensible. His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:9)

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"Someone once said that we humans would be more able to trust God if we just stepped back and looked at the big picture; like looking at a Monet, up close you just see dots, but at a distance you see the entire scheme. The problem is, we cannot step back and see the entire scheme, that is only the domain of deity." Trusting God - Even When Life Hurts, Jerry Bridges

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It isn't because it's Good Friday. And it isn't because I haven't written anything in 8 days and I think it's time to write about my fears now. And this isn't about my fears. I see it now. It's about my Faith. Or in other words, my Trust in God's Will.

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I told my friends over and over again, that I just learned the complete meaning of Trusting in God when I was 25 years old despite growing up among a very religious family and attending Catholic schools all my life. I was thinking of changing careers then and how difficult it's going to be to just leave your life in the hands of the Lord.

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I was wrong. I didn't fully comprehend the meaning of Trust. I thought Faith is all encompassing, and Trust in God is just a subset of Faith, of believing in God. I guess it was naivete that made me think that. It was ignorance that made me want to put into sets, into logical, mathematical pattern this spiritual concept that I've been struggling with all my adult life.

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Trust. Hah, that's one difficulty I've had since childhood. One that I have yet to fully comprehend. Probably because I often felt insignificant and lonely therefore giving airs of independence and thinking I can't rely on anybody but myself. I remember in High School, during a personality development class, when my teacher made us take the Nestea Plunge (okay, I'm sorry but that's the only way I can describe that) one by one, while the rest of the class waits for your falling body and catches you when you've fallen back. It isn't because I was fat (there were girls bigger than me that had done it easily) it's because I don't trust them - my classmates - to catch me when I fall. Later on, my teacher said that was an exercise in Trust. If that didn't tell me I had 'trust' issues, I don't know what will.

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I don't trust easily. I'm afraid to be disappointed, to be let down in end, or that nobody will catch me if and when I fall. And I believe God is teaching me a valuable lesson in Trust, Faith and what it really means to put a life - my life - in His Hands.

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I've been feeling restless, discontent and confused for sometime now. Most especially, I am often afraid, I'm just glossing over it because I'm so afraid that my life is taking a downturn or that I'm no longer someone I can be proud with. I've talked about not comparing my life with others and I'm trying. I've talked about Trusting in Him, like it's one of those resolutions one makes at the start of the year. I've been looking at my life, like what it said in the quote above, like looking at a painting too close -- all I can see are blacks and streaks of red, not knowing the grand design, the whole painting. It's a lot more than that. And I think, if I finally learn how to Trust in Him, if I fully understand what it means, then I should have very little to be afraid of.

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It's funny, I thought I always have Faith in God, but I didn't if I don't Trust Him to know what's good for me. Of course, I whine and rant and ask Him 'Why?' quite often but I didn't realize that Trusting in Him is having Faith in Him, that if I don't Trust Him then my Faith is lacking. No Catholic wants to admit that she's lacking Faith, but I guess most of us are like me, not fully understanding what it means to believe in God, to have Faith. I thought that if I believe in Him, that if I pray and that if I go to mass and all, then that what it means by being Catholic. Boy, was I in for a big lesson in my Faith. And He is one great teacher. He didn't give up on me.

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I'm 28, set in my ways, and yet He gives me these lessons in life, and I struggled for most of my adult life to understand them, the meanings behind them. I thought that if I can only crack the code - so to speak then He will grant me my wishes. But I don't think it works that way. Now I know, if I understand, then I can do His wishes --- not mine. After all, that's what being Catholic means, my life came from Him for me to do His wishes - He didn't give me life to always compare my life with others and live my life according to the world's standards. Why am I so arrogant? I was so arrogant as to think that He is there to grant my wishes so as not to make me miserable. I didn't think that I was miserable because I'm not doing what He wants me to do.

Am I making sense?

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This is what I've been praying for these past few weeks. I've been praying for peace of mind, for my fears to ebb a little (I'm not so naive that my fears will be completely erased, a little fear is healthy) , and for Him to show me a way out of discontent and loneliness. Ah, love really moves in mysterious ways.

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Or shall I say, God moves in mysterious ways?

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*I'm going to read Bo Sanchez's books. He is telling of God's love. So cliche isn't it? But if Trusting in God is bigger than I thought it was, I cannot even begin to imagine how naive, how ignorant and how clueless I am when it comes to understanding the full meaning of His Love.

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** Ooops, by the way, I've a miracle happened to me, just last Friday. A real miracle. I'd better take note everytime it happens. I'm only 28, though it's a little late, it might not me too late, to start believing in miracles.

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*** Sorry I have to separate paragraphs like that. I don't know what's wrong with my blogger. I'll write in correct form and it'll publish in a different one. Gah!