Love in Three Stages

LOVE

"Only little boys and old men sneer at love."-- Louis Auchincloss

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I.
Denial

Kimmy Wallace: He's got you on a pedestal and me in his arms. - My Best Friend's Wedding

I don't know why I keep holding on. My mind keeps reminding me that he's not mine, no, not mine at all, but everytime he smiles at me, he touches me, he looks at me, I get swept away by the sheer possibility of impending declaration of love beyond what we have now. But what do we have now?

I can say I have him. I'm the one he turns to when he needed somebody to talk to. I'm the one he brings to his family on special family dinners. I'm the one he picks up from the office everyday and I'm the one he hugs, he kiss, he makes love to. I'm the one.

She's far away. She's just the true love of his life. The one he can't let go. The one he can't live without. The one that wears a ring on her finger symbolizing their undying love for one another. So what? So fucking what? I don't care. She's not here. She's an absentee fiancee and I believe with all my heart that he'll choose me in the end. It's just a matter of time. I am so close to finally getting him that I can taste it. Hey, I'm having dinner with the family. That is a big deal.

It's only a matter of time.

They're getting married by the end of the year. That's nine months from now. I have a deadline now. I don't care if my friends all think I'm either the most stupid girl in the world or else the craziest for still thinking we'll have a happy ending. They try to tell me not to hold my breath and that I no longer have the right to complain if he cheats well, because what do I expect?

But they're wrong. We're in love. Passionately and madly in love.

I'm still waiting.

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II.
Anger

When we are angry or depressed in our creativity, we have misplaced our power. We have allowed someone else to determine our worth, and then we are angry at being undervalued."-- Julia Margaret Cameron (1815-79), English pioneer photographer

What did I ever see in him? Is it because he makes me feel so fucking gorgeous? He looks at me in a certain way and I feel like a god. I feel like I'm the most gorgeous human being this side of the planet because he's eyes are actually smoldering me, teasing me, embracing me, stripping me.

I didn't like him at first. Not at all. I ignored him. He came up to my apartment and will probably make a scene if I don't let him in. He said he and his girlfriend just broke up. Ah, I can almost hear Laney telling me that rebound guys are the worst, needing 'some sort of relationship - the intimacy and the likes, minus the commitment'. I can hear Karen telling me he's a no good bastard.

And they are right.

After 3 glorious days, and 1 unforgettable week, he's back in the arms of his girlfriend. Funny, how I am just feeling the brunt of it. I fell in love. He made me fell in love with him and left me alone, throwing me away like a hot potato. And I hate him. I hate him for using me. I cannot even call him because his mom and his girlfriend will want to know why am I calling.

They'll want to know why a guy like me is calling him and cursing him and god-knows what nasty things I can think of. They'll want to know.

A guy like me...

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III.
Resignation/ Acceptance

"No one, Eleanor Roosevelt said, can make you feel inferior without your consent. Never give it." - Marian Wright Edelman

I thought I was over him. I thought I finally let him go. I thought I finally let myself free, free of his hold over me. I thought I can go finally be indifferent about the bad things they say about him.

I was wrong.

He will never relinquish his hold on me. I'll never be free. I guess I won't let him. I guess I don't have any self-respect left. I'm truly a case of someone who is a glutton for punishment.

My family don't like him. Only a few of my friends like him. But I love him. I love him more when he was terribly angry at me, or he treats me like dirt. That's when I loved him. I was feeling guilty. He said it was all my fault and so I accepted that. And I accepted my punishment. He yelled at me, he made me feel like I'm not even worthy of his company. And I just loved him more.

Crazy isn't it? I don't know if it's guilt. Maybe not. How can I stand all of that if it wasn't love? And I tell you, I was always reminded of my mistake. That one fatal mistake and I was never forgiven. So it was love. I love him and I will accept him, flaws and all.

Until now, when we aren't together anymore, in an instant, he can make me feel unworthy, unkind, and reduced my little self-esteem to the negatives. And I think I deserve it. I still get mad at my friends and family if they say bad things about him. No, he's all good and he's all that. It's my fault. I love him and he can do this to me. That's what love is all about. Sacrifices. What's a few degrading words here and there? I'm used to that by now. I think it's his way of loving me.

And it's love. I just knew it.

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