Conversation

"I don't know. I think I've been especially panicky lately because I can't exactly pinpoint which is the greater problem amongst all of my seemingly overwhelming ones. I have several and I don't care to repeat it all or else I'll be banging my head on the wall."

"Don't overreact. You're probably magnifying your problems or seeing problems when there is none."

"And don't patronize me! I know what I'm saying. I don't have a job and the days are passing me by, the time is ticking. You know teachers can't get a job in the middle of school year. If I don't get a job soon, I'll twiddle my thumbs till next year. Gah! Such a loser, that's what I feel I'm becoming!"

"I'm not patronizing you. I think you need to lose that negative perspective you have on things. So what if you don't get a teaching job? I'm sure you'll find something else productive to do in one year. And please, don't prattle on about being rejected for teaching positions. You're the one who said no to the first two job offers you got."

"Why is it so easy for other people??? Why is it so hard for me?"

"So, that's the root of all these whining. It's not that you're desperate to have a job. It's that you see other people having something you don't have and you want it for yourself, in a quickie, easy way."

"Yeah, so what if I want it to be easy for me too?"

"Remember when we've just graduated? And we're looking for a job? It took us six months to find a job, six fucking months! Everyone else is busy gloating that they are earning and having fun with their first jobs and there we are, walking in Makati, trying to find a job that will suit us. You, just like now, wanted to find a job that you like. You won't even entertain other jobs but Marketing. Now, you're looking for that teaching job that fits your criteria. And I'm telling you it'll come. If not now, then next year. But I don't think you'll be happy if you settle for anything less. You didn't then, don't start now."

Silence. Wheels turning in head.

Mumbling..."Gah! I hate it when you turn my words back at me!"

"You'll hate it even more if someone catches you talking to yourself in the mirror. Go ahead. Pray. It'll come."

Personality Disorder

histrionic


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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*Buti na lang di ako klepto, schizo or whatever. I can live with being called a Drama Queen. :-)

What Kind of Shoe

What kind of shoe are you?

Sex and the City

You Are Most Like Carrie! You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated. Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like? Take This Quiz Right Now!

Trusting God

As God’s rule is invincible, so it is incomprehensible. His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:9)

***

"Someone once said that we humans would be more able to trust God if we just stepped back and looked at the big picture; like looking at a Monet, up close you just see dots, but at a distance you see the entire scheme. The problem is, we cannot step back and see the entire scheme, that is only the domain of deity." Trusting God - Even When Life Hurts, Jerry Bridges

**

It isn't because it's Good Friday. And it isn't because I haven't written anything in 8 days and I think it's time to write about my fears now. And this isn't about my fears. I see it now. It's about my Faith. Or in other words, my Trust in God's Will.

*

I told my friends over and over again, that I just learned the complete meaning of Trusting in God when I was 25 years old despite growing up among a very religious family and attending Catholic schools all my life. I was thinking of changing careers then and how difficult it's going to be to just leave your life in the hands of the Lord.

*

I was wrong. I didn't fully comprehend the meaning of Trust. I thought Faith is all encompassing, and Trust in God is just a subset of Faith, of believing in God. I guess it was naivete that made me think that. It was ignorance that made me want to put into sets, into logical, mathematical pattern this spiritual concept that I've been struggling with all my adult life.

*

Trust. Hah, that's one difficulty I've had since childhood. One that I have yet to fully comprehend. Probably because I often felt insignificant and lonely therefore giving airs of independence and thinking I can't rely on anybody but myself. I remember in High School, during a personality development class, when my teacher made us take the Nestea Plunge (okay, I'm sorry but that's the only way I can describe that) one by one, while the rest of the class waits for your falling body and catches you when you've fallen back. It isn't because I was fat (there were girls bigger than me that had done it easily) it's because I don't trust them - my classmates - to catch me when I fall. Later on, my teacher said that was an exercise in Trust. If that didn't tell me I had 'trust' issues, I don't know what will.

*

I don't trust easily. I'm afraid to be disappointed, to be let down in end, or that nobody will catch me if and when I fall. And I believe God is teaching me a valuable lesson in Trust, Faith and what it really means to put a life - my life - in His Hands.

*

I've been feeling restless, discontent and confused for sometime now. Most especially, I am often afraid, I'm just glossing over it because I'm so afraid that my life is taking a downturn or that I'm no longer someone I can be proud with. I've talked about not comparing my life with others and I'm trying. I've talked about Trusting in Him, like it's one of those resolutions one makes at the start of the year. I've been looking at my life, like what it said in the quote above, like looking at a painting too close -- all I can see are blacks and streaks of red, not knowing the grand design, the whole painting. It's a lot more than that. And I think, if I finally learn how to Trust in Him, if I fully understand what it means, then I should have very little to be afraid of.

*

It's funny, I thought I always have Faith in God, but I didn't if I don't Trust Him to know what's good for me. Of course, I whine and rant and ask Him 'Why?' quite often but I didn't realize that Trusting in Him is having Faith in Him, that if I don't Trust Him then my Faith is lacking. No Catholic wants to admit that she's lacking Faith, but I guess most of us are like me, not fully understanding what it means to believe in God, to have Faith. I thought that if I believe in Him, that if I pray and that if I go to mass and all, then that what it means by being Catholic. Boy, was I in for a big lesson in my Faith. And He is one great teacher. He didn't give up on me.

*

I'm 28, set in my ways, and yet He gives me these lessons in life, and I struggled for most of my adult life to understand them, the meanings behind them. I thought that if I can only crack the code - so to speak then He will grant me my wishes. But I don't think it works that way. Now I know, if I understand, then I can do His wishes --- not mine. After all, that's what being Catholic means, my life came from Him for me to do His wishes - He didn't give me life to always compare my life with others and live my life according to the world's standards. Why am I so arrogant? I was so arrogant as to think that He is there to grant my wishes so as not to make me miserable. I didn't think that I was miserable because I'm not doing what He wants me to do.

Am I making sense?

*

This is what I've been praying for these past few weeks. I've been praying for peace of mind, for my fears to ebb a little (I'm not so naive that my fears will be completely erased, a little fear is healthy) , and for Him to show me a way out of discontent and loneliness. Ah, love really moves in mysterious ways.

*

Or shall I say, God moves in mysterious ways?

*

*I'm going to read Bo Sanchez's books. He is telling of God's love. So cliche isn't it? But if Trusting in God is bigger than I thought it was, I cannot even begin to imagine how naive, how ignorant and how clueless I am when it comes to understanding the full meaning of His Love.

*

** Ooops, by the way, I've a miracle happened to me, just last Friday. A real miracle. I'd better take note everytime it happens. I'm only 28, though it's a little late, it might not me too late, to start believing in miracles.

*

*** Sorry I have to separate paragraphs like that. I don't know what's wrong with my blogger. I'll write in correct form and it'll publish in a different one. Gah!

Love in Three Stages

LOVE

"Only little boys and old men sneer at love."-- Louis Auchincloss

------
I.
Denial

Kimmy Wallace: He's got you on a pedestal and me in his arms. - My Best Friend's Wedding

I don't know why I keep holding on. My mind keeps reminding me that he's not mine, no, not mine at all, but everytime he smiles at me, he touches me, he looks at me, I get swept away by the sheer possibility of impending declaration of love beyond what we have now. But what do we have now?

I can say I have him. I'm the one he turns to when he needed somebody to talk to. I'm the one he brings to his family on special family dinners. I'm the one he picks up from the office everyday and I'm the one he hugs, he kiss, he makes love to. I'm the one.

She's far away. She's just the true love of his life. The one he can't let go. The one he can't live without. The one that wears a ring on her finger symbolizing their undying love for one another. So what? So fucking what? I don't care. She's not here. She's an absentee fiancee and I believe with all my heart that he'll choose me in the end. It's just a matter of time. I am so close to finally getting him that I can taste it. Hey, I'm having dinner with the family. That is a big deal.

It's only a matter of time.

They're getting married by the end of the year. That's nine months from now. I have a deadline now. I don't care if my friends all think I'm either the most stupid girl in the world or else the craziest for still thinking we'll have a happy ending. They try to tell me not to hold my breath and that I no longer have the right to complain if he cheats well, because what do I expect?

But they're wrong. We're in love. Passionately and madly in love.

I'm still waiting.

--------

II.
Anger

When we are angry or depressed in our creativity, we have misplaced our power. We have allowed someone else to determine our worth, and then we are angry at being undervalued."-- Julia Margaret Cameron (1815-79), English pioneer photographer

What did I ever see in him? Is it because he makes me feel so fucking gorgeous? He looks at me in a certain way and I feel like a god. I feel like I'm the most gorgeous human being this side of the planet because he's eyes are actually smoldering me, teasing me, embracing me, stripping me.

I didn't like him at first. Not at all. I ignored him. He came up to my apartment and will probably make a scene if I don't let him in. He said he and his girlfriend just broke up. Ah, I can almost hear Laney telling me that rebound guys are the worst, needing 'some sort of relationship - the intimacy and the likes, minus the commitment'. I can hear Karen telling me he's a no good bastard.

And they are right.

After 3 glorious days, and 1 unforgettable week, he's back in the arms of his girlfriend. Funny, how I am just feeling the brunt of it. I fell in love. He made me fell in love with him and left me alone, throwing me away like a hot potato. And I hate him. I hate him for using me. I cannot even call him because his mom and his girlfriend will want to know why am I calling.

They'll want to know why a guy like me is calling him and cursing him and god-knows what nasty things I can think of. They'll want to know.

A guy like me...

----------

III.
Resignation/ Acceptance

"No one, Eleanor Roosevelt said, can make you feel inferior without your consent. Never give it." - Marian Wright Edelman

I thought I was over him. I thought I finally let him go. I thought I finally let myself free, free of his hold over me. I thought I can go finally be indifferent about the bad things they say about him.

I was wrong.

He will never relinquish his hold on me. I'll never be free. I guess I won't let him. I guess I don't have any self-respect left. I'm truly a case of someone who is a glutton for punishment.

My family don't like him. Only a few of my friends like him. But I love him. I love him more when he was terribly angry at me, or he treats me like dirt. That's when I loved him. I was feeling guilty. He said it was all my fault and so I accepted that. And I accepted my punishment. He yelled at me, he made me feel like I'm not even worthy of his company. And I just loved him more.

Crazy isn't it? I don't know if it's guilt. Maybe not. How can I stand all of that if it wasn't love? And I tell you, I was always reminded of my mistake. That one fatal mistake and I was never forgiven. So it was love. I love him and I will accept him, flaws and all.

Until now, when we aren't together anymore, in an instant, he can make me feel unworthy, unkind, and reduced my little self-esteem to the negatives. And I think I deserve it. I still get mad at my friends and family if they say bad things about him. No, he's all good and he's all that. It's my fault. I love him and he can do this to me. That's what love is all about. Sacrifices. What's a few degrading words here and there? I'm used to that by now. I think it's his way of loving me.

And it's love. I just knew it.

----------

Can't Complain

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." Maya Angelou (b. 1928), African-American author, poet laureate, performer, composer

I don't know how many starts and beginnings I've made. Too many to count. Diets, exercise, resolutions, even stories and novels. I usually don't have the attitude and patience to end them properly and some that I've intended initially to be a lifelone process, I stopped before I even knew I wanted to stop.

But that's okay. That is really okay with me. I like beginnings. I like the feel of excitement that rushes through me when I start something new, when I change something and I get to be excited about doing it for the first time. Of course, you'll say that there are many set backs, problems that will occur along the way that'll make me stop. But I will tell you now that those problems aren't the ones that made me stop, it's just me. I made me stop.

I'll have to give an example, right?

Like this year, one of my vows or resolutions, if you say so, was that I will finally volunteer. It's three months in the year already and I still haven't found the time. It's not the lack of opportunity or the lack of time. It's the lack of will. I'm lazy, impatient and I want my friends to be volunteering with me. So I still haven't done it. You see the pattern now?

Like dieting, exercising, or even a new hobby. I will be midway there and bam! I will be impatient (slow results), lazy (bed seems a better idea), and feeling all sorts of negative feelings about myself (I'm not good enough, why is it so hard?, this is not for me, better luck next time...yada yada yada...etc. etc.). It's all about me. My attitude. When something is not right, I complain. I like complaining. It's my one pleasure in life that I do so well. So I complain. But maybe next time, I can complain and still continue what I promised myself I will do. I think that sounds like a better idea.

"Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable." - Maya Angelou

Aside from complaining, self-pitying is one of my favorite past times. I will not go into it for I will only sound infinitely more pathetic than I already am. Read my previous blogs and you'll see the utter lack of self-esteem (sometimes) and therefore the presence of the ever reliable Self-pity.

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." - Maya Angelou

Going back, I like beginnings. But I end things prematurely because of all these negative attitudes and negative mindset. But I think I also like endings because I know that I can somehow begin again.

Now, I know myself a whole lot better than anyone can know me. Even if someone suggests otherwise, I also know that I can think about it and analyze myself to validate if it's true or not. And I like myself better. Sometimes I don't, but more often than not, I do like myself better.

Well, probably because I know my strengths, my weaknesses. I can rattle on and on about myself if given the chance. When asked to describe myself, I do not have a hard time thinking of what to say but of what NOT to say. I like interviews because it's easy for me. Some people have a hard time thinking of what to say, I don't. Not only because I like talking and I like talking about myself, but because it's easy for me. I already know what to say. I think some people are afraid to be asked those questions because they just don't know the answer themselves.

"Nothing will work unless you do. " - Maya Angelou

And so. Here's the part that I like. I don't know if I made sense with all my ramblings but it's time for me to change my attitude and my mindset. I cannot do it overnight and I may be plagued by anxieties once in a while in the middle of the night (I can almost guarantee that that will happen), but I will write my mantra right now so I can repeat it over and over again. (If you haven't noticed, I like quotes, and it's my way of reminding myself that other people, great people, also think like me. Hehe. And some bears repeating and repeating....)


When in fear, Trust in God. He has His Own Plans for Me.

I will think about My Goals and not what others Expect of me.

I will always look at the glass half-full, not half-empty.

If it's not meant to be, there must be a reason Why not.

I will not be negative.

I will reach My goals in my Own Pace and my Own Time.

It's okay to fail. It's okay to fail most of the time. The important thing is how many times I get up and start all over again.

No worries. Worries give worrying lines on my face (and pounds on my body) so No worries.

Do it now, not later.

(And I will always cross my fingers when I say all these to myself.)

Finally, list down all the things I want in Life. After all, it's simple really --- "Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it." says Maya Angelou. I believe her yes, but I believe more in Me and in Him.

The Trouble with Me

"The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds."-- Lady Nancy Astor (1879-1964), English politician, first female member of the British Parliament

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I've been consumed with fear and worries that it's making my face gaunt and pimply and rounder. I can feel my body responding to my psyche that is troubled deep inside with worrying fears that it is literally almost eating away the good things in my life I hold dear --- wonder, smiles, laughter and moments of memories worth treasuring forever.

The process is slow and gradual and it is not absolute and harsh and one-time, big-time. It is not a big part of me or of my day-to-day activities. It's a nagging fear, small and sometimes repressible, but slowly but surely eating away my confidence and my hopes and my dreams. Think of small dark creatures inside of you, not detectable and not even significant in size and number, but eating small portions of your heart or your mind, those most valuable organs that you have. That is how this works.

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns all clean." - Maya Angelou, (b. 1928), African-American author, poet laureate, performer, composer, educator

I will do my tasks for the day. Yup. Eating, watching TV, reading a book, surfing the net, driving to school, writing my papers and so on and so forth, and one minute my mind is on my task, the next, I will be looking at the calendar and I will be reminded that there is so and so days left in March and Time is running out. Always, Time is running out. Time seems to always leave me behind and here I am, wanting to grasp Time by its lapels so I can hold on for just a bit longer and have Time still to do the things I needed to do.

Funny that I used to work in Sales. I worked against the clock, we were pressured from all directions, and of course, when one is pressured from all directions it will burst. (That's exactly what happened to me then, as my weighing scale constantly informs me.) And I know it will happen again. (Or it is already happening again.)

The problem really is that I think with these fears. I think of my hopes and dreams and how far away from them I currently am, not the small but significant steps I already took to get there.

"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained."-- Robert Albert Bloch (b. 1917), American screen writer, "Psycho," "Psycho II"

Okay so I'm anxious. Worried. Afraid. I know exactly what are the things I'm afraid of and I've been coping with it pretty badly because I know that you have to face your fears and all that, but really, it is easier to ignore it and hope it will go away on its own. This strategy backfires all the time, because when it suddenly hits you, it will hit you like a tornado that you can no longer analyze or control and that will be worse than facing your fear.

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." - Sir Francis Bacon, English philosopher, essayist, stateman

Ah it is so easy to tell yourself that. I have been working on changing my mindset and attitude so that I can let go some of the fears and worries eating at me. I've been trying to tell myself that I cannot run my life based on what others will say. That is just the thing, you see. That is my ultimate fear and perhaps, what will surely eat me alive if I don't change my mindset right now. All these fears, the root of it is just that I'm afraid of what other people will say.

Oh, it's nothing like pretending I'm someone else to gain approval of others, no, I'm not like that. But still, I'm writing goals --- goals that are other people's expectations of me ---- that really are not meant for me. I began losing my perspective on what I really want and what I can really accomplish to what I fear people would expect me to be.

If truth be told, my biggest fear is that I'm being eaten away by fear of something so unreasonable as other people's expectations.

I don't like coming short of other people's expectations, but I hate, and I used the word 'hate' here, it when I think of my life being run by other people's expectations. And since I'm already worrying myself silly because of other people's notions --- that I should have a job by now, or that I should be married by now or what-have-yous --- I'm already living my worst nightmare.

I'm worried about what others think of me.

(Gah! Just writing that makes my skin crawl. Grrr....)

"If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it."-- Fred Allen (1894-1956), American commedian, stage and movie actor, radio broadcaster

For example, I worry about not getting a job like regular people have jobs and like what regular people expects other ordinary people to do. I worry about what will they say about me still not teaching when I am most capable to teach now. I worry that I will not be able to teach at all. I worry that my friends will think less of me because of that.

I'm also afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of being old and gray and eating at restaurants alone on Christmas Day when people are with their families. I worry that I'll be an old maid and people will feel sorry for me because I'm alone. (Gah! There's nothing more galling and more infuriating than having people feel sorry for you. There you are, already feeling a little wretched and a little sorry for yourself and trying to steadily uplift your spirit by saying 'It's alright Elaine. It's alright to be alone. No one cares.' And then somebody, some abysmally insensitive cretin, will make it worse, infinitely worse, by saying 'Tsk tsk, you're all alone? No one special with you?' Grr. Please, Lord, give me strength!)

"If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep."-- Dale Carnegie (1888-1955), Scottish-born American industrialist, philanthropist, educator

So, here I am, trying to find the roots of my worries and fears, and getting up and admitting all of them so I can change my mindset and attitude. It's not instant, but at least, I'm making progress and I already made the first step --- I'm no longer ignoring my troubles.

Hmm...this is already quite a mouthful. I have to write another entry for my changing mindset and attitudes.

Lists in My Head

Since I can't seem to stop making lists in my head, I'll just have to write it all down so I won't forget. Some of these will not make sense, but I assure you that these are all important to me.

Things to Do:
(Soonest! ASAP!)

• Job Hunting (will include going to Cavite to apply in a SPED school)
• Attend Grade 3 Farewell Party
• Attend Despedida Party of 2 classmates
• Arrange for Palawan vacation (Gah! Hoping against hope it'll push through!)
• Have breast exam (within the month - hold breath until results comes out)
• Uhm, try to lose a little weight (I know, I need to lose a lot, but I'm setting REALISTIC goals here...so go bug someone else!)
• Volunteer (Need to start the ball rolling with this one...)
• Learn two things this summer
• Aside from Palawan, go somewhere new

Things I want to Learn: (choose from this list on what to do this summer)

• formal oil painting lessons (still-life or landscapes)
• pottery
• sign language or Braille (only one of the two)
• a foreign language, either French or Spanish

Places I want to Visit (for the first time or visit again):

Again (taking pictures this time around)

• Banaue Rice Terraces / Sagada
• Hundred Islands, Pangasinan

For the first time

• Puerto Princesa, Palawan
• Siargao
• Guimaras
• Batanes
• Dumaguete
• some island resorts in Samar (those I've seen in Lakbay TV)

Oh well, I guess the major things to remember this summer are:

Job Hunting - this is a full time job. I need to start early in the morning, distributing and passing resumes to schools that either let me have a chance eventhough I've only worked in PNU or slam the door of chance in my face.

Breast Exam - ugh, I don't want to talk about this. I just want to get through it, again!

No. 3 spot consists of 3 things (I can't decide which is most important so all 3 are in)

Volunteer teaching, Learning Something New and Travelling someplace I've been before and someplace New.

Whew, this is going to be a great summer!

Haikus

You lonesome flowers,

Smells fresh like sunshine mornings

Bowing, grazing me.

-------

A line up of books,

In my newly painted shelf

Stood my Emily.

-------

The summer rain

During late night humid March

Scares me silly.

-------

Tomorrow's task waits

But today's fears permeates.

So I stand still.

-------

Play money in bag,

I dreamed again last night

Won the lottery.

------

Dieting sucks ugh!

Veggies, tomatoes and milk

The beef is really good.

-------

The One waits for me

Somewhere out there in blackness

I screamed. Loud, with fear.

-------

Courage sometimes left

Leaving fear behind, inside.

I trembled. I smiled.

-------

March Hibernation

The question is of course if I can really do it. Not go out, not despair about having lack of dates, or not wake up in the middle of the night and feel the immense loneliness of the quiet early morning.

I doubt it.

Well, for one, I like going out. I like going out to watch movies, do window shopping. I like getting in touch with old friends I haven't seen in a long while. I like going to Powerbooks to browse new titles or National Bookstore to buy new office supplies (I have an unreasonable interest in keeping stock of most office/art supplies which I seldom use). I feel lonely when I don't see a friend for quite some time. I feel lonely when I lost track of the world. I feel lonely and desperate when I don't even try to make new friends.

Oh well.

Let's see what will come out of this decision to hibernate this March.

I haven't written a blog in a while, maybe because I was busy thinking of my fears. There's still the top 3, (it remains to be top 3) and I am busy going through the motions of everyday living. But this weekend,we came from a family outing, and it was fun to be with the entire family again. (I'll post some pics here...maybe!)

Anyway, I'm praying that I can find it in my heart to be content and happy with what I have, or at least have some sort or semblance of a peace of mind.

I will definitely hibernate this March. Just to at least try to get my chubby cheeks and pudgy fingers a little less chubby and pudgy.

Gah!