Coffee Conversation

Another Point of View

(a blog entry in Coffee Klatch)



Cafe Breton, Ma. Orosa, Malate, Manila....

In a tiny corner table on the second floor, there sat three ladies, sipping coffee. One seemingly shy and quiet, one looking confused and frustrated, and the most gorgeous one, eating her Tarzan with Hungarian sausage slices, talking loudly with much rolling of the eyes....



"Hirap 'to e. I really want to get out of this relationship. As in. Gusto ko talaga. But I can't." Rhea said, biting her lower lips in frustration.



"Pero cycle kasi yan, Rhea girl. Vicious cycle. You'll go back to him, he'll still have the other girl, and you'll feel stupid, and leave. He'll want you back and court you. And it goes on and on. Until someone decides to let go, nothing will change." Leonor said, in a rare moment of speaking up (and not caught between waking and sleeping which is her usual late night look) during a coffee conversation between the three of them.



Laney pursed her lips, flipping her hair, suddenly looking as if thinking before saying anything. "Well, I believe you don't want it enough. If you really want it, you'll go ahead and do it, leave the relationship. Since you're still there, you want to be in the relationship more than you want to be out of it. If there's a will, there's a way. Cliche, but true. If you really want to, you'll find a way. Just like if he really wants to be with you, and only with you, he'll find a way to keep you, and not keep both of you." She said in between bites of her Tarzan, "You know what I mean?"



"But Laney, love isn't logical. We may want one thing and do another. Nagmamahal e, wala tayong magagawa diyan." Leonor chided.



"Ha? Lagi na lang bang reason ang ma inlove? Hmm, you're just saying that, because for you, love justifies everything." *rolling of eyes* said Laney.



"Nagawa ko lang naman ang lahat dahil nagmamahal ako ng todo. Ganon talaga ako pag nagmahal e, lahat lahat ibibigay ko. Masama bang magmahal? Mali ba yon? Kaya nga on one hand, I understand Rhea, and how hard it is, kahit na gusto ko rin sana happy sila. Kung ako rin kasi, baka di rin ako maka let go." Leonor said quietly, looking down on her coffee cup, which she is holding with both hands, looking for like Nora Aunor did when asked to defend her actions in court.



A big laughter from Laney."Taas na kamay ko sa yo. Wala na akong masabi. Cge, basta ma in love, pwedeng gawin lahat. Pumatay, magpakamatay at saka kalimutan ang sarili. Hello! Pwede bang magpaka Psycho or Fatal attraction for love? Girls, I may not be one to talk about this, since kayo ang mga mas may experience getting into serious relationships, but I also have been a fool more times than I can count myself. So I know that if you love like that, leaving nothing for yourself, in the end, you'll have nothing to give, and lahat na ng naibigay mo? Hinding hindi magiging enough. Tingin ko kasi, pag kinalimutan mo ang sarili mo, and ibigay mo lahat, pati sya, ang taong mahal mo, kakalimutan ka din nya. He'll also take you for granted. Ikaw nga sarili mo, you took yourself for granted, siya pa kaya." She paused for dramatic effect, taking a big bite of her sausage again.



"You know what else will happened? It'll consume you, that kind of love. Maiinis ka sa kanya kasi bakit siya, di ka nya mahal ng tulad ng love mo sa kanya, na parang tanga rin siya sa yo dapat, na lahat lahat bigay din nya sa yo? You'll wonder why not and then feel frustrated, and you'll start to hate yourself and hate him. Then bam! Love, which is supposed to be good and beautiful, became bad and negative.After everything, you'll find yourself asking the heavens above, "Ano pa ba ang kailangan kong gawin? Binigay ko na lahat lahat, bakit kulang pa?" Of course! Kulang, kasi ang kulang dun, di natin minahal sarili natin."



Rhea kept quiet throughout this whole tirade. One can see the battle raging on within her. She's a smart person, but also a girl in love. She's in a battle only she can get out of. But of course, the more obvious battle is between the hopeless romantic and the cynic.



"Ah basta. Ako pag nagmahal, bigay lahat. Kung may mali dun, ang mali ko lang, nagmahal ako ng buong pagkatao ko. It's not a crime. Ganon lang talaga ako." Leonor said, in that quiet, shy voice of hers, but this time, with finality, and no one can convince her otherwise.



"Ikaw yan. Iba iba tayo. Ako, minsan ganyan din. Sana lang, makinig ako lagi sa mga sinasabi ko, kaya ko nga sinusulat sa blog ko e. So I know if I'm about to eat my own words." Laney said, finishing her Tarzan, looking for all the world she's having a conversation about the weather and not about the Great Romantic Love.



"Kaya nga, iba iba tayo. Basta ako, no regrets kasi nga, naibigay ko na lahat. Ganyan ako magmahal." Again, in that final quiet voice of hers, putting her coffee cup down, as if for further emphasis.



Rhea looked at Laney, smiling, but not saying anything. She is acting like Leonor, but thinking like Laney, which as far as she can see will forever be in conflict. Laney seems thinking of what to say next, which is far more dangerous than when she just blurts out whatever comes to mind. It means, she's thinking of how to say what's on her mind, with more effective results.



"Hmm, ganyan ka nga Leonor. Wag ka sana magagalit ha? (An obvious attempt at diplomacy...which is often out of place and it also often fails...) Ang tanong, nag-work ba ang magmahal ng todo? Pag nagmahal ka ba ng todo at binigay mo lahat, nagmakaawa ka, e magiging devoted din sa yo ang taong mahal mo? Di ba hindi? Di ba kulang pa rin? Di ba pagkatapos ng lahat, wala rin natira para sa sarili mo? Ano na gagawin mo pagkatapos?" Laney said questioningly, trying to be calm and quiet, in that counseling voice of hers. Like what was said before, more dangerous than when she's ranting or raving on and on about something.



Leonor looked hurt, and teary eyed, remembering what happened to her One Great Love but lifted her chin, with her lower lip trembling, "Basta, hinding hindi kahit kelan mali ang magmahal. Walang mali, pag nagmamahal. Yon na."



Rhea sighed. Another long conversation about her, but really, the story of everyone else.



"Okay, since this is my entry, I'll have the final say...



Believe it or not, I also love the notion of falling hopelessly, helplessly and completely in love. I'm a drama queen, of course, I would like to be a hopeless romantic. But I've been hurt and I've prayed and prayed for wisdom. And He's telling me love, the romantic kind, is not something that will complete us. It's not some devious emotion that takes away everything that He meant you to be. He created us and He wants us to love being ourselves. If you give everything away, in the name of love, you let Love take away everything that He meant you to have. You let Love be something ugly and negative and be the enemy because it's eating you inside and out. But it's supposed to be nourishing, enriching and it should let you be the best that you can be, not be the worst. In the end, when you have nothing and nowhere to go but to Him, you'll realize that you should have loved yourself first, and that the man will come that will inspire you to be everything that you want to be, not someone you barely recognize as yourself. That's what you'll realize."



And sometimes, Leonor and Rhea wondered why despite being a drama queen, she makes a lot of sense.