Birthday Blues

It's too early for me to have any birthday blues. I have two choices actually. I have 2 more months to spend complaining about getting older and not accomplishing anything big in my life, or I have 2 more months to relish being 27 for the last time before I turned 28. Gah! Twenty-eight. There, I wrote it down. It's sounds so darn -- well, old, for lack of a better word. Isn't that the age where Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding said to Dermot Mulroney that they have to get married? And I know for sure that the older woman in Y Tu Mama Tambien that seduced the two teenage boys is a twenty-eight year old woman. I think I have to be seduced first before I can have the confidence to seduced two teenage boys. But then again, how hard would it be really to seduce two teenage boys?



I've been living in fear and anxiety for the last two months. I had two big zits in my forehead that my delicate skin still have to recover from, and my diet has taken a downturn. I usually give the coming exam as a reason, and tell everyone that I have a genetic disease that renders me paralyzed when the word 'board exam' is mentioned. But the truth is, the exams are not that frightening. I can do something about it. I can either study, do my best, or I can laze around and be frightened to death that I'll fail miserably. In the end, I have a choice and I have control over the situation.



My constant, nagging fear is growing old alone. Thus, the theme of birthday blues. I believe I am a successful person. Success means reaching the goals that I set for myself. And I almost always did accomplish what I set my mind to accomplish. But I can't do that in finding a mate. I can't write a business plan and set out to launch myself, promote and advertise myself and through strategy and business cunning, win the man of my dreams. I'll probably get old perverts, or too young boys going after me, hoping I'm too desperate and they can score. I just read an entry from my Pare's links, and his friend wrote in her blog that hopefully she would not settle. I don't want to settle too. I, too have higher standards back in those good old days when I belong to the lower age bracket of youth. I also dream of finding the man that God meant to be with me. I pray every night for Him to send the guy asap, as I'm about to expire.



I have to end this ranting soon because it's getting late and I have written far too many complaints of my single blessedness in the past. The point here is, (the BIG point of all my rambling) I believe God just took my hand in His and gave me a little bit of comfort because the answer to my prayer is not yet forthcoming. I believe He's telling me that He's not singling me out and making me suffer. He's showing me that there are more pressing matters to attend to, better things that I can do, and most important of all, He's telling me that I'm not alone. I am not the only one frightened to death of growing old alone. I am not the only one He's telling to wait. And I am not alone because He's there with me.



In the end, when desperation pulls a woman to the brink of insanity, I rely on my faith like a man drowning grasps at straws. Only difference is I believe my faith can pull me back in the land of the living. As it always does.