Missing Piece

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them....The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
-- Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931), Lebanese-born American mystic poet, painter, "The Prophet"

I thought I was a stronger person than this. But sometimes, it just take a great hold of me and washes all my strength away. I promised myself I'll read Bo Sanchez book, because I saw him one day in a TV show. He said that some people are easier to heal, easier for them to get help, and easier for other people to comfort for their hurts are seen by everybody. But there are a lot of people who are suffering from Loneliness, Depression and Self-Doubt, and their hurts are more difficult to mend for you cannot possibly know how much they are really suffering.

Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. Neither am I falling on the brink of despair. But I am lonely. And I'm wracked by Self-doubt more often these days than ever before. If not for my Faith, I would be beyond repair. I'll have issues that no amount of analysis with friends will get through.

But I'm only human, and I falter. And this morning is one of those days.

I don't know why this is such a big deal. So what if I'm a single 28 yr old woman living with my parents with no job? (That sound really bad isn't it?) I often feel like a loser. But like my friend will always say, she can cope better if she had a boyfriend. If that is the case, then how did I manage to cope all these years? If that is the case, I should really be hopeless right now.

I'm trying to make it as little a deal as possible, this being alone thing. I'm trying to make light of my situation. Yes, I always tend to be a drama queen, milking my loneliness for as much as its worth. But sometimes, I crack under pressure. Seeing mothers my age, effervescent in their little world of having small children, raising a family, I cracked. Seeing happy beautiful couples, holding hands or touching one way or the other in the mall, and I cracked. There's my heart, breaking at each turn, silently asking my God why can't I have a piece of that happiness? There's my soul crying hopelessly, knowing that He loves me beyond belief and yet He has not given it to me, so maybe it's not meant to be.

You see, my Faith has given me strength I cannot possibly manage to summon on my own. When I was in High School, I was thinking I will be married by now, with possibly two children already. As the years passed, I revised that thinking. But now, I'm no longer thinking about it. Or else I fall into this abyss of loneliness and start the cycle of self-destructive thoughts. But my Faith and my God has kept me from falling into that brink. He keeps giving me miracles and blessings that I cannot possibly ignore Him no matter how much I often get saddened about this one thing.

On the other hand, I sometimes feel guilty for feeling unhappy and lonely. Why can't I be satisfied with what I have? Maybe it's human nature. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm not built to be alone, but for some bad twist of fate, I do end up alone and I have to change what I am, and what I have always wanted and just settle for this. Or I choose to be lonely. I choose to put weight on this inconsequential thing, such a small thing compared to war and famine, this -- being alone, not being with somebody, or to be blunt, not having a guy. A guy...all these drama and whining and falling into the brink of despair, for one guy??? (Now I'm cringing. Why do I have to be so specific?)

Yes, as much as I loathe to admit it, all these for one guy, that faceless guy who was probably meant for me even before we were born, but got killed in the war or something (to be morbid about it) or is probably from India, both can just as easily took him away from me. And there are lots of things that had probably happened. I wouldn't know. I was here waiting for him to come. So maybe I'm meant to be alone. Who knows? I may just surprise myself that I can survive being alone, when everybody else is married, and all my friends have children, maybe I can.

Or maybe He'll take pity on me and give me a little bit of that kind of happiness. I'm happy with His other blessings, and I may not want it all, but I want that kind, and I pray that He'll know how much I want it. I want it more than I want more money. I want it more than I want to teach. Do you know how much is that? I've been wanting to teach since --- well I can't remember. Maybe I should want it with my whole soul. (I still want to travel more than I want to be with a guy...oh well.)

Hah. This blog is probably all nonsense to the lot of you. I just write after being woken up at 5:30 in the morning by a nightmare really, (had a dream that I'm in a party, alone, with all of my friends married and with children --- Gah!) and I nearly cried when I realize that it can happen and that probably lies ahead in my future. I probably sighed ten times already at the writing of this blog.

I still have no resolution, or no foreseeable hope (usually, I can pat myself in the back at the end of my blog, try to comfort myself with a thought or two). I have no comforting words to remember, or no prayer to say. I'll just end this blog like this. Still sad, still lonely beyond words. Quite hopeless, quite uncertain of what's to come.

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*maybe i should read Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet. I didn't mean to post another of his quotes, but it just fits -- the loneliness, the sorrow and the hope that cannot -- won't--- let go.