Growing Older

"Growing old is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."-- Jack Benny, American comedian/actor/performer

"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at 2 or 8. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young."-- Moshe Arens (b. 1925), Israeli defense minister

I know, I know. This is bordering on paranoia when I'm talking about growing older roughly six months before my 29th birthday. (But it's there, it's coming!) I have read before that great people achieve success when they were in their 20s. They're married, have children and they still had the time to do something great. Great. More pressure.

And I was thinking, so early in Sunday morning (again!) that I haven't done anything in my 20s. I didn't blaze any trail of my own, I didn't do anything spectacular. Well, aside from leaving a high paying job to pursue my dream (which isn't paying off really, as I can see now). I'm worried that I made the wrong choice. But deep inside, I knew I made the right one. It felt right. And even if I don't really get a job to become a teacher this year, who knows what's waiting for me? Maybe I am destined to put up a school of my own. Or maybe I am bound to teach for free for less fortunate ones. Even though I panic every now and then, I still believe there's something for me out there and that I made the right choice. That's my blaze of glory. Choosing dreams instead of climbing the caterpillar pillar with the rest of the caterpillars.

But of course, leaving the comforts of high earnings, means that I compare myself to my peers every time. They always have money to spare, and people think they are doing something worthwhile. While people look at me and they think I'm not doing anything with my life (Gah, even I think that sometimes) and they see a woman nearing her 30s with nothing to show for it. Or at least, that's what I'm afraid they'll think.

The thing is, in my heart of hearts, I am stuck at age 25. I think, feel and act like I'm still 25. Like everything ahead is still fair game. Like I still have time to blaze my trails and find true love while doing so. Like I could still do anything.

And then, someone or something will remind me that I'm not. The dates in the calendar keeps flying off the handle. My niece and nephew growing right before my eyes. My friends finding true love and getting married, while in the comforts of a high paying job. *sigh* These are painful reminders that I'm not young forever.

But I seem to remember, that the Jesus in the Bible started evangelizing in His 30s. Right? (If I'm not right, then, don't tell me. It gives me comfort to hide in this illusion.) If Jesus did those great things in His 30s then I'm no longer worried. He probably also enjoyed His youth. And when He turned 30 (which is like 40 or 50 in our time), He thinks it's time to do His life's mission. And He didn't mind growing older, and that's big of Him, knowing that He's going to die for other people's sins.

Hmm, I dream of achieving lifelong dreams and finding true love. Both seem farfetched. Both seem dark, and no longer looming in my future horizon. I just pray that I'll find my own way, my own mission, so to speak, what I was meant to be doing, as I approach that horizon, and that I will not mind the time it takes me to get there, that I will not mind getting older.

Afterall, if I'm really stuck at age 25, I'll probably still be drinking, eating and living my unexamined life, doing nothing but existing. Growing older seem God's way of reminding me to grow old in spirit and mind, yet retain youth's enthusiasm for life.