My Guy

"Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it." - Maya Angelou

This morning, I was on the verge of stressing again. But not something about being an old maid in particular, just life in general, getting older, and not living the life I wanted. Just enough to give one a headache really. When we attended mass, the readings speak of the mantra of all Catholics -- The Lord is my Shepherd...


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want;
he makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies; thou anointest my head with oil, my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

- Psalm 23: 1-6

This is a very powerful verse, which all Catholics learned at a very early age. Whenever you're down and troubled, you should remember, that the Lord will take care of you. If you're having a difficult time, remember that there is nothing to be afraid of, because He'll always be with you.

I kept thinking, in the deep dark recesses of my mind, that the Lord was very generous to His other sheep but me when it comes to bestowing romantic love. But as soon as the thought was acknowledged, I felt immensely guilty, feeling blasphemous, for He was not lacking in love, for me. I was blessed, so blessed, I was just probably concentrating on that one aspect which I lacked, and I blamed Him for it. But whenever I feel depressed, or lonely, I turn to Him for comfort. And He never fails to be comforting.

And again, I was torn. I felt guilty for always wishing that He give me True Love and that He show me what path I should take, what my vocation is in life. I felt really confused, because it seems I am far from understanding His message, and I long to understand really. I feel like understanding Him will release me from all these conflicting thoughts and emotions.

Yes, I believe in God's will. Yes, I offer my life to Him (He knows I will try my hardest, although that is not as easy as it sounds). And yes, I know everything happens for a reason and only He knows what that reason is. I don't really want to write about this, it's so redundant. I keep whining about being single and even I am cringing at how pitiful I sounded already. It's way past annoying and bordering on nauseating. And this will not help me at all in changing my mindset about love and life and being an old maid. But I've been wanting to write and this was inspired by Maya Angelou's quote about asking for what I want and be prepared to get it. I was asking with all my soul except in writing. And I think I'll write it down and write what I want and forget about it. Just to let it out, be clear about it and then, accept whatever happens.

But what am I really looking for? Or praying for? What do I really want in a guy? I've written lots of essay about this and I don't really know if I got my message across or people who have read it only got a vague notion of someone funny and smart and tall. Let me try one last time...

First off, contrary to popular opinion, I am not looking for someone gorgeous. Being cute is a bonus. I have my own definition of beauty and cliche as it may be, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty for me is the broad shoulders, usually situated higher than me, so it's easier to lean on. (There goes the guys smaller than me...hehehe...) Expressive eyes also does the trick, but what makes a face beautiful to my eyes is the way it lights up at the beginning of a smile. So there. That's it. Those are the only physical things I am looking for. Granted, I am looking for someone tall. Who wouldn't? (And I basically have a theory that 'petite' guys are overly confident, sometimes obnoxious, and are more often than not, has a personality as abrasive as a sand paper. RV is an exception. And if ever God will give me to someone not as tall as I would have liked, then I would like to think, he's also an exception to this rule of Compensating for What They Lack in Size) But I'm not looking for someone fair, has curly hair, mestizo or has this body type, etc, etc. Just a great smile, nice eyes and broad shoulders.

Okay then, the part that is difficult to explain. I want someone I can talk to. Gah. So cliche, so common. But really, it holds deeper meaning than that. Let me try to explain. If I want someone I can talk to, there should be a point where our interests meet. I like travels, art, education, environmental awareness, books, music and movies. I also follow sports, current events and watch NGC and Discovery pretty regularly. I'm not academically smart, and I talk to my friends about a lot of nonsense, so there. Reading that, I should pretty much get along with anyone, right? But I'm shaped by the institutions I came from...private Catholic schools and UP where pretty much everyone has an opinion and they like to be heard. In short, a person who's non-Catholic, doesn't read, doesn't watch movies, doesn't like desserts much, doesn't care if humans deplete the earth's resources, doesn't listen to anyone's opinion but his, and will force me to play a multitude of sports is not my guy at all. We won't have anything to talk about really. Talking about cellphones, cars, gadgets and where to eat, or lame jokes just don't do it for me. I can almost feel my brain cells shutting off when I encounter people who invariably talks of nothing else but silly things. I can be silly, talk a bunch of nonsense, but not all the time.

My list is short, but complicated. Just like each of us is. I imagine I can sound silly to someone who's serious and has no sense of humor. And I can imagine that those boys who likes to party day in and day out, and brandishes their new gadget, thinks I'm a poor party pooper who is one step away from being a manang. But that's how best I can explain it. Hopefully He'll get my meaning and won't send me someone who doesn't get British humor.

I am the only one who can quote the most powerful words from the Bible and end it with something as nonsensical as what I am attracted to. Gah. Forgive me. I shall write again on that verse, I have so much to tell.

And oh...I almost forgot. Aside from the eyes, smile, shoulders and all the things that goes with the label 'someone I can talk to', please let him be Catholic. It's hard to explain to non-Catholic why I'll be thanking God, instead of him or Fate, if ever he comes into my life.