Confidence

"Be brave. If you can't, pretend. No one can tell the difference."



I'm one of the most insecure people I know, but I managed to put up a brave front especially since I worked in Corporate Sales for four years or more. Then, I gave it all up and went back to school to study Education formally. That's when I found out that my course, which I was proud of when I was in corporate world, means nothing, nada, zilch in Education.



I thought, okay, I'll study so I can earn my credentials. Just when I was about to finished my Certificate course in teaching, and after passing the Licensure Examination, this teacher, who is not that great actually, is usually late (by an hour or so) and does not speak well, actually made faces upon hearing some of the degrees of her students which are mostly like me, have degrees and changing careers. I felt bad, but mostly I felt indignant. For myself and for the others who she is belittling with that old, not-pretty face of hers. We worked hard for our degrees just like she did with hers.



But anyway, I let it pass, and I just told myself, well, maybe in Education, I myself will make faces at my degree just because I currently have no place in this industry if I don't spend years studying. So there.



Then, I met the teacher who's assigned to supervise me in my one month of practice teaching. She immediately looked me up and down and dismissed me after getting my name. I stared at my other classmates, who's busy talking animatedly and getting initial pointers from their respective supervising teachers with deep envy. Gah! Why is it always me?



My confidence level for teaching is approaching zero, due to the fact that I have no experience whatsoever in teaching and I'm afraid I'll be a bad one to the kids, and I don't want this teacher, this person to have such power over me as to decrease my confidence level even more, just because she's power tripping. And I hope I can keep my fears bottled up inside, put up a brave front yet again (in front of her), and just enjoy my time with the children. I'll be teaching Grade Three Reading. Yey! (What I've wanted, minus the teacher, who I can't, for the life of me, remember the name!)



This is the second incident this week that is bringing my confidence level down. Thank God for friends and my sister who's always snorting and telling me that there's nothing to worry about because I can do it.



The first incident does not involve work or career. I was chatting (nyah! how low can I go?) with someone from Las Vegas, a fellow Pinoy, and he said "Ah, chubby ka pala. Watch your diet ha? Ingatan mo, baka ka lumobo lalo." I was teaching myself to be accepting and gracious and all, so I didn't comment, just ask for his pic. When I saw his pic, I asked myself again, why is it that ugly people are always the ones who wanted trophy girlfriends? When I told my sister and Jas about this incident, they said I should have replied with a "Ah, pangit ka pala." I laughed so hard. It's so funny. I should've thought of it.



But that is the sad reality. Teachers power tripping instead of helping student teachers to become better teachers. Though I think she's really showing me the sad reality that I'll encounter when I really start teaching. And then there are the Manny Pacquiao look-alikes wanting trophy girlfriends.



Hmm, thinking of any experience, be it bad or good, as still an experience, I'm looking forward to this challenge. I'll do my best, and hopefully even an unsupportive supervising teacher will not stand in my way.



*Still anxious but more confident. (Sigh)*