Charlie Magne

I was counting the days till this program is over and I can teach without someone breathing down my neck with deadlines of various requirements.



I was looking forward to that time of day when the children had all gone home and I can go back to my car and drive myself home finally!



I was wishing that we can have uniforms that don't glaringly speak of 'Newbie' teacher and that I can wear comfortable shoes.



I think I wanted to be a favorite teacher, but I can't help my true nature. :-) And given that, I know I wouldn't be their favorite. Heck, I wouldn't be MY favorite either, if it was me.



Until yesterday.



Charlie Magne (yes, that's his name), an amateur bully, the sidekick of the resident big bully, who is always tugging at his girl classmates' ponytails and smirking and giggling and whispering incessantly in class, leaned in, as if we're part of a big conspiracy, and told me that I have a cute and pretty smile. Or did he say I look pretty when I smile? He said, "Teacher, ang cute at pretty mo pag nag-smile."



Whatever.



It just brought another smile to my face.



I might not be bought by gifts. I am not partial to students befriending me. And I don't like students who are constantly in my face. But I think I like being complimented.



Tee hee.



Still counting the days. Still looking forward to rest and all. But I like that there is now a silver lining to all of these.

Regrets

If there's one thing I believe I will regret if ever I will not be bless with True Love or marriage is that I will never get to have my own children. I've always known the difficulties of having children. The rising costs, the emotional stress and the fears accompanied with them growing up. All the negative stuff put together. But Joaquin and Iya and the students made me realize that I really want to have children. Or even a child.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I think I'll be a better mother than a daughter to my own mother. I'll want my daughter to always think she's beautiful, and smart and good. I don't want her to grow up with many insecurities. And I wish she'll be childlike forever, that we can hug in public even if she's already old enough to have a boyfriend.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance

If I have a son, I hope I'll be able to teach him not to be too arrogant and proud. I hope he'll always turn to God and won't think it's something to be ashamed of. And I wish I can kiss him even when he's taller and heavier than me. And I would like him to grow up thinking it's okay to cry and turn to his mother for comfort.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'

Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter

When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance. I hope you dance...

I looked at the third graders last week and I was wondering if all of them will grow up to be normal adults, pessimistic, grumpy and always hiding behind masks. I prayed that some will retain that childlike wonder and the bravery of being themselves and not for one second apologizing for it.

Time is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along

Tell me who wants to look back on their years

And wonder, where those years have gone

I'm old enough to know what I am, my strengths and weaknesses, what I can do and what I can't do. I'm old enough to realize that no matter how hard I try, the real me will come screaming so I'd better not fight it. I'm old enough to be sad, knowing that I'm too old to still be childlike and be so brave and not be force to apologize for it.

But I'm old enough to learn that I'd better start living the life I want, because I'm too young to regret not living the life I wanted to live.

----------

*Title of song : I Hope You Dance

Original Singer: Lee Ann Womack

I Believe

"...the children are our future."

- The Greatest Love of All, Whitney Houston

I was expecting to sit all day yesterday, quietly observing my Supervising Teacher at the back of the small classroom, filled with 37 third graders. When the teacher announced that I'll be the new Student Teacher, they greeted me with mixed reactions. Some are eager, ready to show off. Some are wishful and hopeful, maybe wanting to meet someone new. While majority of the boys seemed unaffected, some are otherwise downright restless.

Surprising me even more, the teacher left me in charge. Gah! It's like 37 9-year-old Joaquins running around. Charlie told Rona her head is full of lies. Miguelito smacked Paulo's head with a book. Caryll is raising her hand, demanding attention. Elijah loudly asked what will they now. And all these, amidst giggling, talking, and singing (yes, singing) small groups of students I'm responsible for.

Just when I thought I couldn't restrain myself from strangling JL because he's making faces at me while I'm talking, it's time for lunch. Caryll, Elijah and Donnabel asked me to have lunch with them. They waited for me, and they saved me a seat, waving excitedly in the cafeteria while I thought of an escape. But oh well. I had lunch with them and my defenses melted. These children are sweet. (I hope I'll still say that about them after four weeks of teaching.)

Today, they presented a play. The Mouse Deer. And they all are...dear, that is.

They are wearing costumes as trees, flowers, water and tigers. They looked so cute. And they can't stand still. The trees were always moving about, some trees were even smacking the head of other trees. The flowers were giggling incessantly. The waters were angry and trying to kick each other. Butterflies wore jeans, and kept on tripping over the white bunnies. The fairies kept on ordering everyone (Uy, pasok na...ano ba???) even when the mic was on.

I sat with the proud mothers (who are snapping pictures left and right), trying not to laugh too hard, but seeing them there, I couldn't help it. They never, not for one moment, suffered stage fright. They weren't embarrassed over their mistakes, instead they will giggle and laugh at their own expense. And they proudly tell their mothers that they should have brought the videocam to capture the whole play, this came from the trees and the butterflies.

As I was driving home, I wondered where did it go? Our enthusiasm, unaffected excitement for life? Put 37 28-year-olds on stage and it will not be the same. I hope those children won't lose that childlike wonder.

Sadly, we will force them to. And eventually, they will.

Confidence

"Be brave. If you can't, pretend. No one can tell the difference."



I'm one of the most insecure people I know, but I managed to put up a brave front especially since I worked in Corporate Sales for four years or more. Then, I gave it all up and went back to school to study Education formally. That's when I found out that my course, which I was proud of when I was in corporate world, means nothing, nada, zilch in Education.



I thought, okay, I'll study so I can earn my credentials. Just when I was about to finished my Certificate course in teaching, and after passing the Licensure Examination, this teacher, who is not that great actually, is usually late (by an hour or so) and does not speak well, actually made faces upon hearing some of the degrees of her students which are mostly like me, have degrees and changing careers. I felt bad, but mostly I felt indignant. For myself and for the others who she is belittling with that old, not-pretty face of hers. We worked hard for our degrees just like she did with hers.



But anyway, I let it pass, and I just told myself, well, maybe in Education, I myself will make faces at my degree just because I currently have no place in this industry if I don't spend years studying. So there.



Then, I met the teacher who's assigned to supervise me in my one month of practice teaching. She immediately looked me up and down and dismissed me after getting my name. I stared at my other classmates, who's busy talking animatedly and getting initial pointers from their respective supervising teachers with deep envy. Gah! Why is it always me?



My confidence level for teaching is approaching zero, due to the fact that I have no experience whatsoever in teaching and I'm afraid I'll be a bad one to the kids, and I don't want this teacher, this person to have such power over me as to decrease my confidence level even more, just because she's power tripping. And I hope I can keep my fears bottled up inside, put up a brave front yet again (in front of her), and just enjoy my time with the children. I'll be teaching Grade Three Reading. Yey! (What I've wanted, minus the teacher, who I can't, for the life of me, remember the name!)



This is the second incident this week that is bringing my confidence level down. Thank God for friends and my sister who's always snorting and telling me that there's nothing to worry about because I can do it.



The first incident does not involve work or career. I was chatting (nyah! how low can I go?) with someone from Las Vegas, a fellow Pinoy, and he said "Ah, chubby ka pala. Watch your diet ha? Ingatan mo, baka ka lumobo lalo." I was teaching myself to be accepting and gracious and all, so I didn't comment, just ask for his pic. When I saw his pic, I asked myself again, why is it that ugly people are always the ones who wanted trophy girlfriends? When I told my sister and Jas about this incident, they said I should have replied with a "Ah, pangit ka pala." I laughed so hard. It's so funny. I should've thought of it.



But that is the sad reality. Teachers power tripping instead of helping student teachers to become better teachers. Though I think she's really showing me the sad reality that I'll encounter when I really start teaching. And then there are the Manny Pacquiao look-alikes wanting trophy girlfriends.



Hmm, thinking of any experience, be it bad or good, as still an experience, I'm looking forward to this challenge. I'll do my best, and hopefully even an unsupportive supervising teacher will not stand in my way.



*Still anxious but more confident. (Sigh)*

Finding Love

"Do you find Love?...Or does Love finds you?"

- trailer teaser of Dreamboy (Tee hee, jologs ba?)



I have been in grips of panic attacks during the last week or so. I can see pictures of my former schoolmates seeing their children graduating from college with me still alone and lonely, all these in my head playing over and over again. I can see them holding hands, laughing romantically with someone while I laugh with my girlfriends. I don't know what's wrong with me, I usually ignore this feeling before, and I handle myself better last year. Maybe it comes with the New Year and only months away from turning 29. Or maybe it's all the wedding invites to weddings of friends I grew up with.



Well, anyway, what do I think about Love? Do I believe in Love finding me even if I hide here in my room? Or do I believe in making an effort in meeting men as vain effort in finding Love? Typical of me, I believe in both. While I believe in Love finding me, I don't think Love will be so patient and persistent as to go to my room in Malabon and pluck me out of hibernation in front of the TV. I need to go out there. I'm not the most patient of people and I don't think I can wait without doing anything in the meantime. I believe in waiting, but I also believe in giving Love a helping hand. Love has many things to attend to, so many people to grant wishes to, that I need to give Love a little nudge.



Oh well. (This is a short blog as I'm still trying valiantly to ignore my tendencies to panic and go into hysterics over my singleblessedness.)



So, what do you think? Do you find Love or does Love finds you?

My Heart's Desire

"So it will be miracles and wonders that you'll be after, is it?" He looked around Dunstan's one-room cottage again. It began to rain then, a gentle pattering on the thatch above them.

"Oh very well," said the tall gentleman, a trifle testily, "a miracle, a wonder. Tomorrow, you shall attain your Heart's Desire. Now here's your money," ....



- StarDust, Neil Gaiman

I still remembered that first meeting of the bookclub I joined (I also convinced my Bespren to accompany me). Days before the said first meeting, we were emailed the first title of our first book, StarDust written by Neil Gaiman. I didn't even know who Gaiman was at the time, but I was excited to meet people who share the same enthusiasm I have regarding reading and reverence of books (and to learn more book titles that comes highly recommended by book enthusiasts!), that I managed to buy a copy only the day of the meeting itself. I wasted too much energy on excitement rather than reading, so it seemed. Minutes before the meeting, Bespren and I were scanning, skimming and trying to absorbed the gist of the book in 15 minutes. It is so just like us to be so excited about something, that we forget the most basic of things. And so when the meeting formally started and everyone was gushing about the book, we were left wide-eyed, curious and interested about details that we asked questions like a madman, or shall we say like someone who didn't really read the book.

Through the years, only twice had I found myself actually reading the book. But of course, given that we've discussed the book inside and out, I find that my interest waned and I just skipped to the best parts.

And I, inadvertently, failed to experience the magic that is reading.

Gaiman certainly knows magic. I can imagine him and JK Rowling talking for hours at a time, while Tolkien (let's say if he were to lived in the same timeline as Rowling and Gaiman) and Eco putting their two cents in, every now and then. They will be the magic circle of magic. Eco, certainly does not tell stories of goblins, hippogriffs and faeries, but he can write stories about Men that will seem almost as much a mystery to us as mermaids and centaurs.

Since I haven't heard of Gaiman before the bookclub, and haven't read StarDust from cover to cover until last night, then how come I know of him? The bookclub planted the seed in my head that he's a good storyteller. So I read American Gods and bought the latest novel, Neverwhere (which I will finally read tonight! I started reading it so many times before, but Harry and Draco keep distracting me) And from there, I found out that Gaiman created the Sandman comics series. Omg. If the illustration and stories of the Sandman aren't enough for me to sing praises, then American Gods and StarDust certainly put a stamp into it.

I was feeling dejected, out of place, very lonely and quite desperate and panicky these days and I can't seem to shake it off by trying to replace my blood with coffee or tiring my eyes out with H/D stories, so as I said so in my last blog entry, I'll escape this reality by reading StarDust.

It certainly feels good to escape this reality for a while.

In StarDust, I found a world filled with faeries, witches, elves, spells and lots and lots of magic. A place where one can buy bottled dreams, rings of eternity and a frozen charm. In this reality, I can have the adventure of a lifetime trying to find a Fallen Star and finally, getting my Heart's Desire.

For a while there, I was thinking of our God, posing as an ordinary man, (or woman) coming to me and telling me that He'll give me a miracle, a wonder, that is, my Heart's Desire on the morrow. I certainly slept soundly last night, and woke up with a smile on my face, just because. And I can imagine Him sighing exasperatedly at my means of escape from reality.

My Heart's Desire.

Who knows in what way, or form or from where or when will I finally find my Heart's Desire? Will I meet him through a friend? Or will he ask me what time is it when I am having a cup of coffee waiting for a friend? Or will our grocery carts bump each other in the Hair Care aisle? Maybe I will meet him while I'm browsing through the latest Bob Ong book? Maybe it will be next week, or two months from now or a even -*sighs* - a year? (cries softly...oh okay, wails and thump head on the wall) Who knows?

That's why I love books. Gaiman's StarDust seems like any old fantasy book, filled with cliched magical beings and long quests. But it also brought me Hope, and a Smile, that maybe, just maybe, someone special and magical and all-powerful is listening to my wish and with a wave of His hand, will finally, at long last, bestow upon me the (second) greatest of gifts -- My Heart's Desire.

*For the Sci-Fi/ Fantasy Genre, I highly recommend Star Wars series and Gaiman's works (The American Gods & StarDust - I haven't finished reading Neverwhere yet). I'd like to explore this genre, so feel free to recommend titles and authors of similar works. - Thanks!

Etcetera

185 days, 13 hours, 20 minutes, and 46 seconds left until the publication of

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince!

My muse hasn't come back yet but I feel like writing. Please don't read if you're expecting this to be in some way or form logical or profound. It's not. I just feel like writing. Even if it's a whole bunch of such non-sense.

I had a treat last night, given by Jas. And I gave him my xmas gift, the second book by Bob Ong. Jas sent a text message (I was already sleeping, a surprise really given that I have a whole bunch of treats to watch!) that he was laughing/crying because of the book. Tee hee. Bob Ong clearly illustrates the funny side of Pinoy culture. Whether it is negative or positive Pinoy moment, Bob Ong finds a way to deliver with hilarity, jologs style. I like it. I'm glad Jas liked it too. (Mahal kasi ang 'Einstein's...' so ibang book na lang binigay ko, mas enjoy pa.) I already read the book that he gave me. It's really stimulating rather than informative. hehe.

* * *

We went out last night because I was suddenly feeling depressed. I browsed Friendster for the first time in so many months and even before I reached and browsed one half of the pages of all my friends, I counted 4, yes, FOUR, people who changed status (from In a Relationship to Married!) and this only among my age group! I was suddenly feeling old, lonely, spinster-like, grumpy and all sorts of negative things permeate my whole body. Harry and Draco couldn't lift me up, so I got up and called Jas. I need coffee. I need a friend. I hate Friendster and I'll never browse again. So there you go. I drove all the way to Makati and promptly talked about silly things over coffee (you think we'll talk about business, the economy or how to achieve world peace? Think again. )

* * *

I waited for Jas in Powerbooks. Ah, I love bookstores. Hundreds of titles lined up, right before my very eyes. I already had my Neil Gaiman books, Coelho, Neruda...(I scanned the price of 100 Sonnets of Neruda that I bought a year or two ago, maybe I can give it to RV, but nevermind, he can use Bob Ong's humor), and I already went to my Children's (Artemis Fowl, etc.) phase, even a Bridget Jones phase (those 'you-go-girl' books like Shopaholics and others) and I'm looking for another genre that I can sink my teeth into. I don't have a lot of time to read next month because I'm going to start my practicum (teaching) so I have to squeeze in as many books as I can this month. Hmmm...Sci fi? I have a bunch of Star Wars, Thriller? I have my Anne Rice's erotic thrillers. I badly want to try reading those 'difficult' books, (some I bought years ago when I was under a very DARK influence in my life who just loves those kinds of books, just so I can try reading but I ended up scanning and getting gists....gah! the things I did for unrequited love...) Well, anyway, I ended up reading Harry again while waiting for Jas. *sigh* How will I broaden my horizons if I'm so addicted to anything Harry? Just Harry?

* * *

I dream of living on my own before I get married. BUT getting married is still so farfetched from my plane of reality and living on my own is just but a daydream. I like his place, cozy and so --- yuppie and independent. Jologs in our hearts, I borrowed his Sandara Parks CD and he said okay as long as I leave his Erik Santos CD. No need to borrow Erik's CD, my sis has the original.

* * *

What exactly is desperation? I like telling people I'm desperate, but then, my friends will point out that I'm not (sooner or later they will agree just to shut me up). I just know what I want and I have standards, but I still am desperate to find him. So I think I'm desperate. But they said that desperation is when I do all sorts of stupid things (I do! I do!) just to get the attention of a guy that doesn't really deserve to be the object of said desperate measures because of lack of face value or something similar, (why will I go apply desperate measures to some guy I'm not even attracted to?). That is desperation, Jas told me. Oh well, even I'm confused to the actual definition, but I'll try to limit my announcement of said desperation to a few friends, that won't go blabbing to anyone how desperate I am, so that I can appear not-desperate and still be believable. Does that make sense? I hope not, because even I can't understand what I wrote.

I promise I'll stop corrupting my blog with nonsense babble after I wrote about all the things I'm thinking about. It's not healthy to leave these mundane, stupid thoughts in my head so I'll have to write it all down. (Hmmm, I think I'll change the title of my blog to Elaney's Pensieve...this certainly acts like a Pensieve to me.) I have friends who are different from me. So different in fact that it's sometimes frustrating to me (and also to said friends) because we can't see eye to eye. Although it makes life more interesting, sometimes it's really easy to just talk with friends who, though they might not agree with what you're saying, can see where you're coming from. Oh well. Friends are great because though they reflect the best me, they also reflect the worst of me. I can also do Denial Queen in an instant without blinking an eye. ( I just don't do Self-Denial that well...) Tee hee, my friends are just more patient with me than I am with them.

Alright. Last thought.

* * *

I like Ocean's Eleven better than Ocean's Twelve. I don't know why. Okay, yes I do. Maybe because what they did before was simple, yet so effective a plot to steal. I find that the more elaborate the scheme is, the less fond I am of the outcome. After all the work and drama and personnel that they used, if they are still left with no mask, I'll really really think they're not the Ocean's Eleven I know. Hmm, I like the scenes, I like the confusion and the guessing game of what really happened, but I still like Ocean's Eleven better. Many will argue, but that's just me.

I love that movie so much that I have 2 copies of DVD, I memorized what will happen next and I can hear the music playing in my ear when I sometimes have a task to do. I love that movie so much that I expected Ocean's Twelve to be better. Maybe that's the downfall of Twelve for me, high expectations born out of Eleven.

* * *

I'll end this by saying...I'll read 'Star Dust' by Gaiman again. To avoid desperation, Sci-fi/ Fantasy books are the cure.

One Week

More than a week of not blogging...and I'm just here, sometimes spending hours in front of the computer but my muse still hasn't come back so I still have no inclination to write. Yep, just want to write that I have no inclination to write. That makes sense.



Also, want to take note that a week flew and I didn't know if anything important happened to me this week. I can't consider watching CNN and BBC hours upon hours as significant undertaking. (I watched and watched, like the unexplainable urge of a person rooted on a spot to stare at something terrible and tragic. I don't know why. I was also like this during the invasion of Iraq by US military forces. I watched in horrific fascination.)



Hmmm, let me see, what did I do?...lazy mondays, videoke w/ jas and liza tuesday, dinner w/ the girls wednesday, did I drive my mom to the supermarket thursday? I knew I just read last friday. Of course, Saturday, I have class and watched movie. (Blade Trinity...I love the blood and gore, but the first one's bestest) ...Oh...I saw Matt yesterday (Ocean's Twelve).



That's about it. That's my life, a little boring but it's the only one I have so I like it, though it can only get better. Hopefully.



One week gone and still no muse.

I Need To Be In Love

I know I need to be in love,

I know I've wasted too much time.

I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world,

And fool enough to think that's what I'll find.

- Carpenters, I Need To Be In Love



I just have to post it again. Oh well, I'll blame it on Jasper. Always talking about being in love these days. I used to be the one babbling nonsense just so I can mention what's-his-name. I used to be the one who constantly wears a distant smile on my face, just because I received a text message or some such inconsequential thing and it already made my day. I was to the one who used to tell each and everyone of my friends how I hated panting, going crazy, being insanely, in love about a person who can't or won't return my feelings. Both are a big no-no in my book.



So I sang the song wholeheartedly. Just because it fits me. I wasted too much time waiting for perfection, foolishly thinking and desperately hoping I'll find it. My friends are marrying already (I even received an email just before writing this entry of a friend's picture of her engagement ring), some even have children growing up rapidly that at the rate I'm going, my friends' children will have girlfriends and boyfriends and I'll still have no one. A friend asked me if I still believe in someone out there being meant for me. I used to. It's just hard to believe it now.



The thing is, I think I need to be in love. Otherwise I wouldn't feel complete. I can be a millionaire, not needing to work, and I'll still want to be in love. I can be successful, independent woman, and I'll still want to be in love. That's why it fits. I need to be in love. Need. When has it become a necessity? I wouldn't know. I know I'm still not making sense. I just need to say it.



I need to be in love.



*will go back to singing hopelessly romantic love songs...Gah!*

Deja Vu and Magic Sing

Yesterday, when I was talking to Jas over the phone, I had a vague sense of deja vu. Not about what we're talking about, just that I knew that scene was going to happen because I have seen it before.



Does that mean my life is on track?



I'm being impatient about so many things. It's just that I'm getting older and my life is stuck on second gear and I can't go any faster. I had an urge to rear up and go, but something is telling me that I have to be patient, persistent and slow down, because sometimes, good things come to those who wait.



Am I making sense?



Sorry, I'm not striving to make sense. Just an outpouring of thoughts. And these thoughts of mine are convoluted enough without making it worse by retrospection. So what's a girl to do?



I sang.



My parents bought two new chips (and you know what that means!) and so a whole new bunch of songs available for my sister and I. Yey! I didn't know there are a lot of good songs out there, and even mushy ones that I would cringe to hear on any normal day on ordinary circumstances, but in front of the TV with Magic Sing mike turned on, I just love these songs.



My Favorite Videoke Songs (don't read if you feel like you can't stomach Air Supply!)



1. Sana'y Wala Ng Wakas - Sharon Cuneta

2. Bituing Walang Ningning - Sharon Cuneta

3. Dadalhin - Regine Velasquez

4. Ikaw - Sharon Cuneta

5. Pangako - Regine Velasquez

6. Two Less Lonely People in the World - Air Supply

7. Lonely Is the Night - Air Supply

8. You - Carpenters

9. Meron Ba - Nikki Valdez

10. I Need To Be In Love - The Carpenters

11. Forever Blue - Cacai Velasquez

12. Till There Was You - The Beatles

13. Can't Help Falling In Love - Elvis Presley

14. Love Is All Around - Wet Wet Wet

15. Naaalala Ka - Rey Valera

16. I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet A Woman - Britney Spears

17. A Smile in Your Heart - Jam Morales



Well I have to stop there or else I'll list down all of Sharon's, Regine's, Air Supply's and the Carpenters' songs, because I surely love singing those. Tee hee.



I had an epiphany this morning. The Carpenters' I Need To Be In Love is a song that is applicable to me. So I just have to post the lyrics...What better way to start the first Monday of the year, than putting in nonsensical thoughts, a list and lyrics of a song? Very profound.



I Need To Be In Love

- Carpenters



The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing

There's someone in this crazy world for me.

The way that people come and go through temporary lives,

My chance could come and I might never know.



I used to say, "No promises, let's keep it simple",

But freedom only helps you say goodbye.

It took awhile for me to learn that nothing comes for free.

The price I've paid is high enough for me.



I know I need to be in love,

I know I've wasted too much time.

I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world,

And fool enough to think that's what I'll find.



So here I am with pockets full of good intentions,

But none of them will comfort me tonight.

I'm wide awake at 4 AM without a friend in sight.

Hanging on a hoop, but I'm alright.