When it rains, it pours...
When you're feeling sad and lonely and it's raining, then you're going to feel sadder and lonelier by the second. It seems that for every drop of rain that falls on the roof of your safety net, it brushes everything away slowly thus creating a disastrous landslide to your own emotional defenses. All the negative feelings you have are just amplified by the rain. It's God confirming your worst fears, and He's definitely crying with you.
When you're feeling happy, and it's raining, well, that's another thing entirely. You feel the cool breeze it brings into your room. You hear the melodious pouring of the rain, how it silently brings life to dry and lonely plants. You see the gorgeous gray backdrop it provides in the whole metropolis and you see people getting close to one another, the sky seemingly sharing with your overflowing happiness.
The thing is, I woke up this morning and I believe in the fact that, in that crucial time in the morning, you choose what you're going to be the whole day, Happy or Sad, Angry or Tolerant, Fearful or Brave. I began to feel the panicky, desperate feeling that I've been pushing at the back of my head for the past months (yes, MONTHS! ever since the wedding spree my friends seems to be having lately) and so I looked out my window and see the rain.
I see gorgeous gray sky, not neglecting any plant, or square inch of land to remain dry for long. I hear steady beating on my window, and birds, resting on my window plant box to take refuge from the pouring rain. And I feel God, blessing me with rain, reminding me that He's still there and He's listening and feeling for me, and He has his reasons for everything. He thinks I needed reminding.
And I smiled and thanked Him for the reassurance.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Feelings Inside
SHOW YOUR FEELINGS. It takes too much energy not to.
People often play games because we live in a world where stories are better left untold and secrets and being mysterious are revered. And I hate it. I hate the fact that I'm participating daily in a world where people are encouraged to hide their feelings. From early on, we were told to BEHAVE. It really means, you should keep quiet and sit alone in the corner, holding all your thoughts and feelings inside. It was ingrained in all of us, that showing our feelings means misbehaving, or not being normal.
Guys may not believe this, but I know women out there had, at some point came across the book "The Rules". It is a guide to how women should behave in order to go get themselves a man. It also tells of how easy men are to manipulate. It listed rules like, 'Don't talk to a man first!' (Hah! And here I am, having animated conversation with a gasoline boy about Mad Max). It even tells you to be rude and never call a man nor accept a date on a moment's notice. (Blah!) In short, it tells you to be secretive, to be mysterious, and not to show what you're really feeling. I can't believe that I've broken all of the rules listed in there twice or thrice over! And it has the gall to point out at every chapter that breaking the Rules means you'll never get a man. I haven't gotten the courage yet to show my male friends the book because it shows and tells of how low women are willing to go in order to get a man. That's their phrase...get a man! Gah! And we're in the 21st century!
And I don't care if I grow old alone, without a man by my side, just because I didn't follow the damn 'Rules'. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I've won like some cheap prize in a baranggay contest just because I've followed those misbegotten Rules. Yes, it will be painful and the biggest slap on my face, if they were telling the truth after all, that a man cannot be won without the Rules, but it will be even more painful if I keep my true self hidden underneath. (And who would want a man who could easily be manipulated by those Rules?)
Dr. Phil once said in Oprah that hiding one's true self, or your feelings is like holding a balloon underwater for as long as you can. That balloon symbolizes your feelings, your true self, trying to bob up and the effort you put in trying to keep it underwater is how much effort you're giving everyday of your life if you're hiding behind a mask, hiding your feelings.
A friend of mine has managed to keep her love hidden for a guy friend for almost 3 years. I couldn't believe it. I would probably go crazy and sooner or later, I'll either wallop his head with a bat or bang my head on a big rock if I try to keep my feelings inside for more than a month! Well, she is much stronger than me, for sure. Sometimes, people just baffle me with how much we are willing to endure.
Even people who keep their anger and despair and anguish inside. It is the most sadistic, most agonizing torture I could think of. Everyday, we see people bottle up their anger, their dissatisfaction, unhappiness and despair to keep up appearances, following the rules of society. It reminds me of a phrase a friend said, 'a trainwreck waiting to happen'. Walking nervous breakdowns, mostly concentrated in Makati. And what's most unfortunate is that it happens everyday, to all of us. Even I am forced to live by the rules. Some rules are meant not to hurt other people, and that's okay.
Well, I'm just a lazy person at heart. I tend to think that there are more important things to do, than putting my efforts in hiding my feelings. I can put all my energy into something more productive than slowly giving myself a heart disease by hiding what I feel bottled up inside me.
But I believe that to live life fully is like playing the piano. You have to know the rules. Then, you need to forget the rules and play with your heart.
*Still a re-post, still can't write, still desperate and still panicky, all for different reasons...wah!
People often play games because we live in a world where stories are better left untold and secrets and being mysterious are revered. And I hate it. I hate the fact that I'm participating daily in a world where people are encouraged to hide their feelings. From early on, we were told to BEHAVE. It really means, you should keep quiet and sit alone in the corner, holding all your thoughts and feelings inside. It was ingrained in all of us, that showing our feelings means misbehaving, or not being normal.
Guys may not believe this, but I know women out there had, at some point came across the book "The Rules". It is a guide to how women should behave in order to go get themselves a man. It also tells of how easy men are to manipulate. It listed rules like, 'Don't talk to a man first!' (Hah! And here I am, having animated conversation with a gasoline boy about Mad Max). It even tells you to be rude and never call a man nor accept a date on a moment's notice. (Blah!) In short, it tells you to be secretive, to be mysterious, and not to show what you're really feeling. I can't believe that I've broken all of the rules listed in there twice or thrice over! And it has the gall to point out at every chapter that breaking the Rules means you'll never get a man. I haven't gotten the courage yet to show my male friends the book because it shows and tells of how low women are willing to go in order to get a man. That's their phrase...get a man! Gah! And we're in the 21st century!
And I don't care if I grow old alone, without a man by my side, just because I didn't follow the damn 'Rules'. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I've won like some cheap prize in a baranggay contest just because I've followed those misbegotten Rules. Yes, it will be painful and the biggest slap on my face, if they were telling the truth after all, that a man cannot be won without the Rules, but it will be even more painful if I keep my true self hidden underneath. (And who would want a man who could easily be manipulated by those Rules?)
Dr. Phil once said in Oprah that hiding one's true self, or your feelings is like holding a balloon underwater for as long as you can. That balloon symbolizes your feelings, your true self, trying to bob up and the effort you put in trying to keep it underwater is how much effort you're giving everyday of your life if you're hiding behind a mask, hiding your feelings.
A friend of mine has managed to keep her love hidden for a guy friend for almost 3 years. I couldn't believe it. I would probably go crazy and sooner or later, I'll either wallop his head with a bat or bang my head on a big rock if I try to keep my feelings inside for more than a month! Well, she is much stronger than me, for sure. Sometimes, people just baffle me with how much we are willing to endure.
Even people who keep their anger and despair and anguish inside. It is the most sadistic, most agonizing torture I could think of. Everyday, we see people bottle up their anger, their dissatisfaction, unhappiness and despair to keep up appearances, following the rules of society. It reminds me of a phrase a friend said, 'a trainwreck waiting to happen'. Walking nervous breakdowns, mostly concentrated in Makati. And what's most unfortunate is that it happens everyday, to all of us. Even I am forced to live by the rules. Some rules are meant not to hurt other people, and that's okay.
Well, I'm just a lazy person at heart. I tend to think that there are more important things to do, than putting my efforts in hiding my feelings. I can put all my energy into something more productive than slowly giving myself a heart disease by hiding what I feel bottled up inside me.
But I believe that to live life fully is like playing the piano. You have to know the rules. Then, you need to forget the rules and play with your heart.
*Still a re-post, still can't write, still desperate and still panicky, all for different reasons...wah!
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Isn't Love Grand?
LOVE is not gazing into each other's eyes; IT IS LOOKING TOGETHER IN THE SAME DIRECTION.
--------
Isn't love grand?
First, you fell in love. It really feels as if this will last forever. You love the way your hands fit together, or the way your head fits his shoulders when you lean on it. You like the way he smells and his smiles, oh his smiles can melt you like ice exposed to noontime heat. And it feels like love. Sounds like love. Isn't this what it's all about? How happy you two are together?
So what if he chooses his dog over you sometimes? Or so what if you argue constantly about the tiniest detail? You say that just add more spark to the relationship, the making up really far outweighs all those name-calling and shouting matches you often have. Or on the other side of the spectrum there is the seemingly nice boyfriend that you have. Gives you flowers, won't let you out of his sight without him rolling the red carpet for you. It makes you feel suffocated just by the sheer attention you're getting. Will he jump off the cliff if you ask him to? Would you really like a boyfriend to be at your beck and call, following all your whims and wants and not have a life of his own?
That is, if you have a relationship. If you are not in one, there are still all those kinds of love. Or so we thought. I have been holding a torch all those years for someone who might never even remember how much fun we had as best friends ten years ago. Pathetic, isn't it? And here I thought that torch has been extinguished completely but there may be a spark left there somewhere for it to burn bright again every time his name is mention. There is also the love that is never returned. Painful and sweet, breaks your heart every time. The pain is so constant you don't know what it's like to live without it. Such is love, but I still think love is grand.
Call me stupid and romantic if you like, but it's because I still think that there is HOPE, that the true love I've been waiting for will come if not sooner then maybe later. And I don't mean the kinds of love I mention in here. The love that brings two people together and let them stick together until they grow old. That is the kind of love I'm hoping for. I'll probably still think him the most handsome man in the planet, if only in my blinded love struck eyes, although I'll know it's not true. He'll have flaws. He'll have imperfections that I will relish in teasing him constantly over the next years. As I certainly don't want to be the only flawed character in our love story.
But our imperfections only make us more perfect together. Because what really matters is that we have the same beliefs in God, children and life goals. These are not similarities like same taste in music, and same liking in movies and books, although that will help. These are far deeper matters that cannot be compromised. We should both understand where we want to be. Understand also that we believe in the same God and know whether we like children or not. This is what I think it means when lovers may be looking at each other's eyes, but that old married couples are holding hands and looking at the same direction. Therein lies the big difference.
Now how can I think love is grand? Well, as I am writing this, I suddenly realized that I've been sitting on my butt waiting for my man to come but in reality I can look for him. I know my beliefs and I'll just look for someone who shares my views on things and hope with all my heart that we got bless with the magic that is as important as the things I mentioned above. How can I not think that love isn't grand? The journey to true love is one hard work, but it should be fun to watch what one person will do and won't do for love.
I'll end this journal entry with a quote from a movie that I like and that struck me then, and stays with me until now.
Will Hunting (Matt Damon) : I'm happy as it is. She's perfect now. Why should I ruin that perfect image I have of her?
Sean Maguire (Robin Williams): You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.
Matt Damon's remark is as I remember it but I memorized Robin william's part. That is the important thing anyway. Let's not look for the perfect one, let's find someone who's perfect for us.
*This is a re-post, if you can call it that. I've sent this to my friends many months ago. But since I can't think clearly these days, probably until next week, I'll keep on posting my previous writings before I started this blog.
--------
Isn't love grand?
First, you fell in love. It really feels as if this will last forever. You love the way your hands fit together, or the way your head fits his shoulders when you lean on it. You like the way he smells and his smiles, oh his smiles can melt you like ice exposed to noontime heat. And it feels like love. Sounds like love. Isn't this what it's all about? How happy you two are together?
So what if he chooses his dog over you sometimes? Or so what if you argue constantly about the tiniest detail? You say that just add more spark to the relationship, the making up really far outweighs all those name-calling and shouting matches you often have. Or on the other side of the spectrum there is the seemingly nice boyfriend that you have. Gives you flowers, won't let you out of his sight without him rolling the red carpet for you. It makes you feel suffocated just by the sheer attention you're getting. Will he jump off the cliff if you ask him to? Would you really like a boyfriend to be at your beck and call, following all your whims and wants and not have a life of his own?
That is, if you have a relationship. If you are not in one, there are still all those kinds of love. Or so we thought. I have been holding a torch all those years for someone who might never even remember how much fun we had as best friends ten years ago. Pathetic, isn't it? And here I thought that torch has been extinguished completely but there may be a spark left there somewhere for it to burn bright again every time his name is mention. There is also the love that is never returned. Painful and sweet, breaks your heart every time. The pain is so constant you don't know what it's like to live without it. Such is love, but I still think love is grand.
Call me stupid and romantic if you like, but it's because I still think that there is HOPE, that the true love I've been waiting for will come if not sooner then maybe later. And I don't mean the kinds of love I mention in here. The love that brings two people together and let them stick together until they grow old. That is the kind of love I'm hoping for. I'll probably still think him the most handsome man in the planet, if only in my blinded love struck eyes, although I'll know it's not true. He'll have flaws. He'll have imperfections that I will relish in teasing him constantly over the next years. As I certainly don't want to be the only flawed character in our love story.
But our imperfections only make us more perfect together. Because what really matters is that we have the same beliefs in God, children and life goals. These are not similarities like same taste in music, and same liking in movies and books, although that will help. These are far deeper matters that cannot be compromised. We should both understand where we want to be. Understand also that we believe in the same God and know whether we like children or not. This is what I think it means when lovers may be looking at each other's eyes, but that old married couples are holding hands and looking at the same direction. Therein lies the big difference.
Now how can I think love is grand? Well, as I am writing this, I suddenly realized that I've been sitting on my butt waiting for my man to come but in reality I can look for him. I know my beliefs and I'll just look for someone who shares my views on things and hope with all my heart that we got bless with the magic that is as important as the things I mentioned above. How can I not think that love isn't grand? The journey to true love is one hard work, but it should be fun to watch what one person will do and won't do for love.
I'll end this journal entry with a quote from a movie that I like and that struck me then, and stays with me until now.
Will Hunting (Matt Damon) : I'm happy as it is. She's perfect now. Why should I ruin that perfect image I have of her?
Sean Maguire (Robin Williams): You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.
Matt Damon's remark is as I remember it but I memorized Robin william's part. That is the important thing anyway. Let's not look for the perfect one, let's find someone who's perfect for us.
*This is a re-post, if you can call it that. I've sent this to my friends many months ago. But since I can't think clearly these days, probably until next week, I'll keep on posting my previous writings before I started this blog.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Hmmm...
Since I can't think of anything to write about (you're probably bored out of your wits reading about exams, fear and being an old maid from me already) so I will just write more drabble, in order to lead your brain to vegetate some more by useless and nonsense musings of yours truly. The product of my over-active imagination and nothing else.
It's raining again, so more drabble coming your way...
-------
Ticklish Dan
"I kind of like you this way," he said, looking sideways at me with those piercing blue eyes of his.
I shifted slightly, using his arm as a pillow and inhaled his scent. I love to smell his underarm, kind of reassuring me that the guy I'm with takes a bath and scrubs his armpit. "You smell good," I said, as I continue to nuzzle my face on his not-so-hairy armpit.
"Stop that, it tickles," he giggled, looking so adorable, trying to squirm his arm from under my head. I never knew he even knows how to giggle.
We continued to wrestle with each other on the bed. And after he fell to the floor, weak with ticklish laughter, without energy to even sit properly, I finally have mercy on him.
"I'm going to get my revenge, you know," he said, trying to sound menacing despite sitting on the floor, weak and totally naked.
"You can try," I get up, pushing the blanket away, leaving two totally naked combatants squaring off in the middle of the room.
After a moment of waiting who would make the move first, we began chasing each other across the room, screaming and laughing all the way. But I have a great advantage over him, because I'm not ticklish. And he is.
"Okay, okay. Stop! You win, you win," he lay down on his back, still trying to control his laughter.
I straddle him, putting my legs on both sides of him, and felt something hard brush against my buttocks from behind. I smiled naughtily and said, "Hey, you. Is that for lil' old me? Just because we're running around naked?"
He grinned sheepishly.
So I leaned closer to him and pouted, "I don't want to be on top."
I found the reverse position more satisfying indeed.
------
*I was reading articles from Peyups and I found no less than 5 articles written by women who are frustrated, desperate and shaking their fists, while asking the world in general why they don't have a boyfriend. Two immediate thoughts came to mind, one, are smart girls really destined to be unwanted in this macho society of ours? and two, oh, I'm not alone... :-)
It's raining again, so more drabble coming your way...
-------
Ticklish Dan
"I kind of like you this way," he said, looking sideways at me with those piercing blue eyes of his.
I shifted slightly, using his arm as a pillow and inhaled his scent. I love to smell his underarm, kind of reassuring me that the guy I'm with takes a bath and scrubs his armpit. "You smell good," I said, as I continue to nuzzle my face on his not-so-hairy armpit.
"Stop that, it tickles," he giggled, looking so adorable, trying to squirm his arm from under my head. I never knew he even knows how to giggle.
We continued to wrestle with each other on the bed. And after he fell to the floor, weak with ticklish laughter, without energy to even sit properly, I finally have mercy on him.
"I'm going to get my revenge, you know," he said, trying to sound menacing despite sitting on the floor, weak and totally naked.
"You can try," I get up, pushing the blanket away, leaving two totally naked combatants squaring off in the middle of the room.
After a moment of waiting who would make the move first, we began chasing each other across the room, screaming and laughing all the way. But I have a great advantage over him, because I'm not ticklish. And he is.
"Okay, okay. Stop! You win, you win," he lay down on his back, still trying to control his laughter.
I straddle him, putting my legs on both sides of him, and felt something hard brush against my buttocks from behind. I smiled naughtily and said, "Hey, you. Is that for lil' old me? Just because we're running around naked?"
He grinned sheepishly.
So I leaned closer to him and pouted, "I don't want to be on top."
I found the reverse position more satisfying indeed.
------
*I was reading articles from Peyups and I found no less than 5 articles written by women who are frustrated, desperate and shaking their fists, while asking the world in general why they don't have a boyfriend. Two immediate thoughts came to mind, one, are smart girls really destined to be unwanted in this macho society of ours? and two, oh, I'm not alone... :-)
Wishful Thinking
It's 5:40 pm according to my PC clock (probably 30 mins advance as usual), a Wednesday afternoon, with nothing to think about but basic math, science and business facts and some basic accounting to get me through my exam. Not to mention that the entire metropolis is under floodwater because of the incessant heavy rain that plagued us from early morning up to now (except here in our little street in Malabon, if you can believe that we never experienced flooding in the 15 years that we lived here), and I'm suddenly making a wish list.
I wish...
...That all Embassies approve tourist visas just because you wrote a five-page essay on why you want to travel to their country
...It's raining good-looking, single, and available MEN instead (hopefully, when it rains, it pours...)
...I have enough money to travel to my heart's content and bring home souvenirs from each country
...I'm a writer, firing up everyone's imagination with my crazy thoughts and not with my highfalutin words
...That I'll pass the exam with flying colors (Yeah, just like to put that in, can't resist)
...That I'm already teaching kindergarten children how to read, starting with 'Velveteen Rabbit' to 'Hope for the Flowers'
...I'm mingling with athletes at Athens right about now, the swimmers, the volleyball players, the tennis players
...I can wear a two-piece skimpy bikini on my next trip to Boracay or Palawan without scaring the other beachgoers
...That I'm cool, and confident about taking exams and not the wreck I'm in right now
...That Daniel Radcliffe is right about my age and single and is one of my guy buddies (okay, okay, couldn't resist! No more impossible wishes as there's no genie granting impossible wishes anyway!)
...That I can write about better topics in this blog than list down my impossible wishes
...That I'm waiting for my boyfriend to arrive at the house to eat dinner with my family (boyfriend first before I can wait...tee hee, but why not hit two birds with one wish?)
...That my hair is long and straight but not limp, I don't want limp hair. I want Lindsay Lohan hair.
...That I'll take a bath soon, because I'm feeling unusually lazy and am not looking forward to showering while cold air is drifting in from the bathroom windows.
...I can excel at even one Olympic sport, just enough to say that I'm fit and I'm good at that sport. I'm such a klutz that this wish is right up there with my Dan wish.
...That I'll realize that wishing is not that bad, it gives one hope. But it's not that good either, for we can't really rely on Fate or good luck alone or even hope for a genie to make our wishes come true.
Hmmm, hopefully, I didn't wish anything I might regret wishing, because you know what they say, be careful what you wish for, it might come true.
(Yipee! World, here I come...a teacher travelling with Harry Potter)
I wish...
...That all Embassies approve tourist visas just because you wrote a five-page essay on why you want to travel to their country
...It's raining good-looking, single, and available MEN instead (hopefully, when it rains, it pours...)
...I have enough money to travel to my heart's content and bring home souvenirs from each country
...I'm a writer, firing up everyone's imagination with my crazy thoughts and not with my highfalutin words
...That I'll pass the exam with flying colors (Yeah, just like to put that in, can't resist)
...That I'm already teaching kindergarten children how to read, starting with 'Velveteen Rabbit' to 'Hope for the Flowers'
...I'm mingling with athletes at Athens right about now, the swimmers, the volleyball players, the tennis players
...I can wear a two-piece skimpy bikini on my next trip to Boracay or Palawan without scaring the other beachgoers
...That I'm cool, and confident about taking exams and not the wreck I'm in right now
...That Daniel Radcliffe is right about my age and single and is one of my guy buddies (okay, okay, couldn't resist! No more impossible wishes as there's no genie granting impossible wishes anyway!)
...That I can write about better topics in this blog than list down my impossible wishes
...That I'm waiting for my boyfriend to arrive at the house to eat dinner with my family (boyfriend first before I can wait...tee hee, but why not hit two birds with one wish?)
...That my hair is long and straight but not limp, I don't want limp hair. I want Lindsay Lohan hair.
...That I'll take a bath soon, because I'm feeling unusually lazy and am not looking forward to showering while cold air is drifting in from the bathroom windows.
...I can excel at even one Olympic sport, just enough to say that I'm fit and I'm good at that sport. I'm such a klutz that this wish is right up there with my Dan wish.
...That I'll realize that wishing is not that bad, it gives one hope. But it's not that good either, for we can't really rely on Fate or good luck alone or even hope for a genie to make our wishes come true.
Hmmm, hopefully, I didn't wish anything I might regret wishing, because you know what they say, be careful what you wish for, it might come true.
(Yipee! World, here I come...a teacher travelling with Harry Potter)
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Taking Chances
"Carpe Diem!" That's my life motto. Or should I say that was what I used to live by?
I just saw one chance and I let it pass. I saw an opening and I didn't take advantage of it. I saw a break, and I walked the other way.
Sometimes, I get the feeling that time fly by so fast, that the events of my life could no longer catch up. Nothing seems to be happening to my life these past years and I'm getting older with nothing to show for it. No, it's not the birthday blues, and no, it's not just 'the old maid' thing, it's all of it. It's everything.
I used to be happy living side by side with Time. We get along well. I traveled the country, I bought my own car and I got up and around the corporate world. There's seems to be an endless array of opportunity for me to grab and seize. I didn't know that I've been taking for granted some aspects of my life, that I'm letting some opportunities I did not deem important then, pass by without thought. I'm already missing one half of my life.
Yeah, I know. It's just something you say when you're trying to convince your frightened friend to ride the Space Shuttle. It's something you say when your dieting, overweight friend doesn't want to taste your mom's triple chocolate cake. It's something you say to your virginal, almost 28 year old friend when talking about mind-boggling sex. "You're missing one half of your life."
Hmmm, I am rambling. I don't even understand what I'm saying. I'm not making any sense here and I'll leave it at that. I have to catch up with Time. He's running along very fast and I'm sitting here, writing confusing thoughts of introspection.
I'd better get moving or He'll definitely run along without waiting for me.
*Now why and when did Time suddenly turn into a man?!?
I just saw one chance and I let it pass. I saw an opening and I didn't take advantage of it. I saw a break, and I walked the other way.
Sometimes, I get the feeling that time fly by so fast, that the events of my life could no longer catch up. Nothing seems to be happening to my life these past years and I'm getting older with nothing to show for it. No, it's not the birthday blues, and no, it's not just 'the old maid' thing, it's all of it. It's everything.
I used to be happy living side by side with Time. We get along well. I traveled the country, I bought my own car and I got up and around the corporate world. There's seems to be an endless array of opportunity for me to grab and seize. I didn't know that I've been taking for granted some aspects of my life, that I'm letting some opportunities I did not deem important then, pass by without thought. I'm already missing one half of my life.
Yeah, I know. It's just something you say when you're trying to convince your frightened friend to ride the Space Shuttle. It's something you say when your dieting, overweight friend doesn't want to taste your mom's triple chocolate cake. It's something you say to your virginal, almost 28 year old friend when talking about mind-boggling sex. "You're missing one half of your life."
Hmmm, I am rambling. I don't even understand what I'm saying. I'm not making any sense here and I'll leave it at that. I have to catch up with Time. He's running along very fast and I'm sitting here, writing confusing thoughts of introspection.
I'd better get moving or He'll definitely run along without waiting for me.
*Now why and when did Time suddenly turn into a man?!?
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Under Pressure
The Olympic Creed
"The most important thing
is not to win but to take part,
just as the most important thing in life
is not the triumph, but the struggle.
The essential thing
is not to have conquered,
but to have fought well."
As I continuously watched the Olympics unfold before my eyes, I was struck by how disciplined these athletes are. I struggled to give at least an hour for my review everyday for the last two months and that was already difficult for me. These people have been training day in and day out for the last year or long before that and they only have one chance to make their mark.
Due to our lack of 'wide coverage' of the Olympics, I only get to watched those events that were being shown in NBN and that is very very limited, let me tell you. They only show gymnastics, boxing, and some basketball. There was also swimming, but only the qualifying heats, not the actual competition. So I get to see all those who tried and didn't make it to the finals. I saw all those who failed.
But I also watched the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics and I have watched several Opening Ceremonies and Closing Ceremonies and there were significant similarities. All the athletes are happy just to be there. All of them are basking in the glory to be a representative of their country. You can see the joy and pride in their faces, just because they take part, they participated and they bear the title, Olympian.
I'm humbled by all of this. I've been complaining about the pressure I've been under lately. I thought I was justified in feeling ultimate pressure, because I sacrificed a lot, and I studied for a year, and reviewed for 3 months, all culminating and leading to my taking of the licensure exam. But they were there. Probably spent more than 4 years of their lives, training for half a day, everyday and they only get one chance.
If they are not complaining, I have no reason to complain. If they are happy just to 'take part' then I have to thank God also that I had the heart to pursue my dream. If they failed and still managed to look up and smile and just say 'I'll do better next time.', then, I'll keep it in mind, that whatever the result is, I'll pick myself up and say "I'll do better next time.'
After all, the important thing is not to win, but to take part.
"The most important thing
is not to win but to take part,
just as the most important thing in life
is not the triumph, but the struggle.
The essential thing
is not to have conquered,
but to have fought well."
As I continuously watched the Olympics unfold before my eyes, I was struck by how disciplined these athletes are. I struggled to give at least an hour for my review everyday for the last two months and that was already difficult for me. These people have been training day in and day out for the last year or long before that and they only have one chance to make their mark.
Due to our lack of 'wide coverage' of the Olympics, I only get to watched those events that were being shown in NBN and that is very very limited, let me tell you. They only show gymnastics, boxing, and some basketball. There was also swimming, but only the qualifying heats, not the actual competition. So I get to see all those who tried and didn't make it to the finals. I saw all those who failed.
But I also watched the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics and I have watched several Opening Ceremonies and Closing Ceremonies and there were significant similarities. All the athletes are happy just to be there. All of them are basking in the glory to be a representative of their country. You can see the joy and pride in their faces, just because they take part, they participated and they bear the title, Olympian.
I'm humbled by all of this. I've been complaining about the pressure I've been under lately. I thought I was justified in feeling ultimate pressure, because I sacrificed a lot, and I studied for a year, and reviewed for 3 months, all culminating and leading to my taking of the licensure exam. But they were there. Probably spent more than 4 years of their lives, training for half a day, everyday and they only get one chance.
If they are not complaining, I have no reason to complain. If they are happy just to 'take part' then I have to thank God also that I had the heart to pursue my dream. If they failed and still managed to look up and smile and just say 'I'll do better next time.', then, I'll keep it in mind, that whatever the result is, I'll pick myself up and say "I'll do better next time.'
After all, the important thing is not to win, but to take part.
Manang Inside
I realized something today.
I'm a manang hiding in modern girl clothing.
I thought, given the chance, I can be a lot like Carrie and some of Samantha. My friends probably see me as a woman with a very strong personality who can take on any guy and still come up a winner. I have been called an uptown girl, and was often thought of as a wild child. Yeah right. It was all an act. It was all a lie.
I even believed it myself. There I was, thinking that I can handle harmless flirting without batting an eyelash. Haha. Turns out, it's been a long time since I flirted with anybody that I blush whenever I said something not quite flirtatious but definitely getting there. I blushed! I couldn't believe it. I am so embarrassed by what the flirty banter that I have to end the conversation quick.
Wah! If only I can summon the sexy, wild child residing deep inside me, I'll feel a lot better.
I'm a manang hiding in modern girl clothing.
I thought, given the chance, I can be a lot like Carrie and some of Samantha. My friends probably see me as a woman with a very strong personality who can take on any guy and still come up a winner. I have been called an uptown girl, and was often thought of as a wild child. Yeah right. It was all an act. It was all a lie.
I even believed it myself. There I was, thinking that I can handle harmless flirting without batting an eyelash. Haha. Turns out, it's been a long time since I flirted with anybody that I blush whenever I said something not quite flirtatious but definitely getting there. I blushed! I couldn't believe it. I am so embarrassed by what the flirty banter that I have to end the conversation quick.
Wah! If only I can summon the sexy, wild child residing deep inside me, I'll feel a lot better.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Here we go again...
Breakfast
Laney closed her eyes and sighed as she put the first bite to her mouth. Looking at her, you can almost taste the tocino, fried rice and eggs she's scrumptiously devouring, while sitting at the breakfast table with her legs up on her chair.
He was trying not to stare, but it's so hard to concentrate on the newspaper in front of him. He doesn't eat breakfast and he will certainly not start now just because Laney looks so...delicious.
Another bite, another sigh. Should concentrate harder.
"Why are you eating off my plate?" she asked, looking cute while trying to shield her plate from his hands." I asked you earlier if you wanted any, I asked you," she said, looking exasperated and frowning, because sharing her breakfast is probably the last thing that she wants to do right now.
"I'm not eating, " he mumbled, the piece of tocino in his mouth, notwithstanding.
"You are too! What's that in your mouth, if not my food?" she pointed to his mouth and he promptly divested her of another piece of her breakfast. "Hey! No stealing!"
"I don't eat breakfast remember?" he smiled innocently at her, chewing the tocino slowly.
"I asked you." she repeated with exasperation.
He just looked back at her innocently, still chewing.
Then with resignation, she push the plate in between them and moved closer to her boyfriend. "If you're going to eat my breakfast, you'll have to pay for it later..." she said with a smile.
"I'm counting on it," he smiled. Laney suddenly stood up and ran to the bedroom. Her boyfriend followed, and closed the door.
The breakfast was left forgotten.
--------
TV
"I want to watch Queer Eye."
"Go ahead. I'll just take a shower."
"Jai and Kyan are so cute."
"Where is my towel?"
"It's at the back of the bathroom door. The hamper is here, don't leave your clothes in the bathroom."
"Okay."
*Rustle of clothes being taken off
"Don't take off your clothes in front of me."
"Huh? Why?"
"I'm watching Queer Eye."
"Laney, I don't see the connection. What are you on about?"
"I don't have time for another shower."
"Oh." and then, another, "Oh."
*Sounds of denim jeans hitting the floor.
"I think I'll just watch Queer Eye on Saturday."
*Followed by giggling sounds from the shower.
-----
I know I said Movie Date, but I don't think that is fit for posting. Let's all keep this PG13, people. I'll write again when it's raining, so until then, this will have to do for now.
Laney closed her eyes and sighed as she put the first bite to her mouth. Looking at her, you can almost taste the tocino, fried rice and eggs she's scrumptiously devouring, while sitting at the breakfast table with her legs up on her chair.
He was trying not to stare, but it's so hard to concentrate on the newspaper in front of him. He doesn't eat breakfast and he will certainly not start now just because Laney looks so...delicious.
Another bite, another sigh. Should concentrate harder.
"Why are you eating off my plate?" she asked, looking cute while trying to shield her plate from his hands." I asked you earlier if you wanted any, I asked you," she said, looking exasperated and frowning, because sharing her breakfast is probably the last thing that she wants to do right now.
"I'm not eating, " he mumbled, the piece of tocino in his mouth, notwithstanding.
"You are too! What's that in your mouth, if not my food?" she pointed to his mouth and he promptly divested her of another piece of her breakfast. "Hey! No stealing!"
"I don't eat breakfast remember?" he smiled innocently at her, chewing the tocino slowly.
"I asked you." she repeated with exasperation.
He just looked back at her innocently, still chewing.
Then with resignation, she push the plate in between them and moved closer to her boyfriend. "If you're going to eat my breakfast, you'll have to pay for it later..." she said with a smile.
"I'm counting on it," he smiled. Laney suddenly stood up and ran to the bedroom. Her boyfriend followed, and closed the door.
The breakfast was left forgotten.
--------
TV
"I want to watch Queer Eye."
"Go ahead. I'll just take a shower."
"Jai and Kyan are so cute."
"Where is my towel?"
"It's at the back of the bathroom door. The hamper is here, don't leave your clothes in the bathroom."
"Okay."
*Rustle of clothes being taken off
"Don't take off your clothes in front of me."
"Huh? Why?"
"I'm watching Queer Eye."
"Laney, I don't see the connection. What are you on about?"
"I don't have time for another shower."
"Oh." and then, another, "Oh."
*Sounds of denim jeans hitting the floor.
"I think I'll just watch Queer Eye on Saturday."
*Followed by giggling sounds from the shower.
-----
I know I said Movie Date, but I don't think that is fit for posting. Let's all keep this PG13, people. I'll write again when it's raining, so until then, this will have to do for now.
Monday, August 16, 2004
An Olympic Event
I wasn't able to sleep last Saturday (or Friday night) because the Olympics Opening Ceremony was shown at 2 am. My sister and I watched the entire ceremonies. She stayed up and watched the whole parade of 202 nations and territories; I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. When I woke up Saturday morning, watching the Today's hosts in Athens, Greece interviewing the athletes, I began to imagine myself in their shoes, wondering how one feels when you're considered one of the world's best athletes.
I can remember when I was first hooked on the Olympics. It was Matt Biondi's fault of course. Seeing him on the cover of Time Magazine wearing only his famous swimming trunks before the 1988 Olympics was permanently stamped into my brain. He won several medals that year and was forever my idea of what a swimming champion should look like. Alex Popov beat him during the 1992 Games but Matt Biondi started it all with me. I began daydreaming of what it would be like if I'm not such a klutz in sports.
I can handle swimming, but I'm not fast and I don't have the stamina to cross the 50m pool without resting in the middle. I can handle going through the motions of other sports, and passed in my P.E. classes but that's about it. What I can't do, is play any sports that has to do with balls. I just can't play with balls. (Now, you know why my sex life is just about nil.) I passed PE in high school because of swimming but I failed my volleyball and basketball classes. I took up ballet, fencing and archery in college because I can't even play a simple game of badminton or table tennis. I am hopeless in anything that has to do with balls. I can't even bowl to save my life.
And so, I dreamt of being an athlete. To walk down that gym with confidence and just a little bit of apprehension, reveling in the pressure given, basking in fan's adoration, they all do it so well. I watched Fu Ming Xia, not seeming to care that she's so young yet received so much attention just because she is grace personified on the diving board. I watched swimmers, volleyball players (especially Spain during the Atlanta Games), and tennis more than the other sports. I also like women's gymnastics although I don't like looking at the men. Pardon me for saying so, but I don't like looking at small, overly muscular guys. It's a preference, and an opinion; I just don't like looking at them. Although I must admit, those bars, rings and vault require strength.
Even though I'm not athletic, you can probably tell I love watching the athletes. (Note: see Matt Biondi during his glory days...it'll take you hours just looking at that wide, broad expanse he called his chest and those broad, broad shoulders...) I like to see them bask in the glory, and smile and cry tears of joy. It took them hundreds of hours of training to get there while people like me thinks it's easy to do what they do while we lie down on bed, dreaming what it would be like. It is a journey for them and it's a pleasure to watch them reach their destination.
Hmmm...That’s why I get along well with guys. I can rattle off names from basketball, tennis, and even extreme sports. I am a fan of Tony Hawk, and have cheered Kelly Slater several times. Though sadly, I do not remember most winners from the Winter Games, probably because they have names that are so hard to pronounce let alone to remember.
What Olympic event can I join in the future? Maybe if they make talking for hours at a time an Olympic event I can join, but I wouldn't win against Kris Aquino. Maybe if they make watching movies an Olympic event, I can qualify although I wouldn't win against several of my friends already.
Now how about daydreaming? If that would be an Olympic event, no one can hold a torch to me. Keep the flame burning; I'll just keep on daydreaming.
I can remember when I was first hooked on the Olympics. It was Matt Biondi's fault of course. Seeing him on the cover of Time Magazine wearing only his famous swimming trunks before the 1988 Olympics was permanently stamped into my brain. He won several medals that year and was forever my idea of what a swimming champion should look like. Alex Popov beat him during the 1992 Games but Matt Biondi started it all with me. I began daydreaming of what it would be like if I'm not such a klutz in sports.
I can handle swimming, but I'm not fast and I don't have the stamina to cross the 50m pool without resting in the middle. I can handle going through the motions of other sports, and passed in my P.E. classes but that's about it. What I can't do, is play any sports that has to do with balls. I just can't play with balls. (Now, you know why my sex life is just about nil.) I passed PE in high school because of swimming but I failed my volleyball and basketball classes. I took up ballet, fencing and archery in college because I can't even play a simple game of badminton or table tennis. I am hopeless in anything that has to do with balls. I can't even bowl to save my life.
And so, I dreamt of being an athlete. To walk down that gym with confidence and just a little bit of apprehension, reveling in the pressure given, basking in fan's adoration, they all do it so well. I watched Fu Ming Xia, not seeming to care that she's so young yet received so much attention just because she is grace personified on the diving board. I watched swimmers, volleyball players (especially Spain during the Atlanta Games), and tennis more than the other sports. I also like women's gymnastics although I don't like looking at the men. Pardon me for saying so, but I don't like looking at small, overly muscular guys. It's a preference, and an opinion; I just don't like looking at them. Although I must admit, those bars, rings and vault require strength.
Even though I'm not athletic, you can probably tell I love watching the athletes. (Note: see Matt Biondi during his glory days...it'll take you hours just looking at that wide, broad expanse he called his chest and those broad, broad shoulders...) I like to see them bask in the glory, and smile and cry tears of joy. It took them hundreds of hours of training to get there while people like me thinks it's easy to do what they do while we lie down on bed, dreaming what it would be like. It is a journey for them and it's a pleasure to watch them reach their destination.
Hmmm...That’s why I get along well with guys. I can rattle off names from basketball, tennis, and even extreme sports. I am a fan of Tony Hawk, and have cheered Kelly Slater several times. Though sadly, I do not remember most winners from the Winter Games, probably because they have names that are so hard to pronounce let alone to remember.
What Olympic event can I join in the future? Maybe if they make talking for hours at a time an Olympic event I can join, but I wouldn't win against Kris Aquino. Maybe if they make watching movies an Olympic event, I can qualify although I wouldn't win against several of my friends already.
Now how about daydreaming? If that would be an Olympic event, no one can hold a torch to me. Keep the flame burning; I'll just keep on daydreaming.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Sunshine in Rainy August
I used to hate the rainy season.
Going to school is so difficult when your bed beckons you to sleep some more, while the clock rudely awakens you to scramble up from bed or get a late slip from the notorious Ms. Salazar. I can still remember that going to work is even more of a challenge. At least in school, you can have your nonsensical chatter with friends to look forward to, but when already working, even your semi/quasi-cute officemate couldn't liven the gray mood your freaky boss mandates in the office.
The roads are wet, traffic is bad and tempers run high. What's more, you cannot wear your favorite shoes because you know that somehow it will get wet. It's a daily dilemma what to wear. Wearing skirt is out of the question because showing legs is in, but showing wet, dirty legs with mud splatters is definitely out. Pants are the practical choice, though you still have to watch out for the mud. And isn't bringing an umbrella everywhere you go, a number one drag?
But that's all in the past.
When I bade farewell to corporate life and said hi to bum-hood, there's nothing better than opening one eye slightly at seven in the morning, looking out into the window and seeing the gray sky, weeping and pouring its heart out, and realizing that I don't have to get up just yet. The steady beat of the rain does wonders for my consciousness. I just let it go completely. I crawl back into the soft, warm blanket that envelopes my whole body, hug as many pillows as I can, and promptly go back to sleep.
Though now, I realized August brings more than a blatantly pathetic excuse for laziness. Other than signaling the nearness of adding another year to my sorry life, it brings forth music to the ears of bookworms like me – a month of book sale.
National Bookstore and Powerbooks chose August as the month of book sale. It’s a tradition. Save all your book money for August for it’s like an early Christmas gift to book lovers. Hundreds of us fly to the nearest branch to take advantage of getting a copy of the latest Paulo Coelho, 20% less. This month, I cannot spend as much as I did before. I used to buy ten to fifteen books in the past, but now I have to choose carefully as my budget will not allow me to get just any book I take fancy to. So I chose five books. Eleven Minutes by Coelho and Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman are the top two in my list.
An added bonus for us was the International Book Fair in the World Trade Center. It gathers almost all the publishing houses and all major bookshops and publications in one place during one glorious weekend. As if that’s not enough for us to get excited about, they slashed the prices and we get more discounts. Wee!
What else can I do? I have no choice, but to borrow money from my mom and buy more books.
Some people buy shoes, bags and clothes, I buy CDs, books and magazines. Some people wait in restaurants, I wait in bookstores, sifting through the latest book titles. Some people love to watch movies, uhm, I also love to watch movies. Tee hee.
And so in the midst of all this rain, floods, and very wet roads, I see sunshine. Just imagine rows and rows of shelves filled with hundreds and thousands of books. That’s my sunshine in August.
Going to school is so difficult when your bed beckons you to sleep some more, while the clock rudely awakens you to scramble up from bed or get a late slip from the notorious Ms. Salazar. I can still remember that going to work is even more of a challenge. At least in school, you can have your nonsensical chatter with friends to look forward to, but when already working, even your semi/quasi-cute officemate couldn't liven the gray mood your freaky boss mandates in the office.
The roads are wet, traffic is bad and tempers run high. What's more, you cannot wear your favorite shoes because you know that somehow it will get wet. It's a daily dilemma what to wear. Wearing skirt is out of the question because showing legs is in, but showing wet, dirty legs with mud splatters is definitely out. Pants are the practical choice, though you still have to watch out for the mud. And isn't bringing an umbrella everywhere you go, a number one drag?
But that's all in the past.
When I bade farewell to corporate life and said hi to bum-hood, there's nothing better than opening one eye slightly at seven in the morning, looking out into the window and seeing the gray sky, weeping and pouring its heart out, and realizing that I don't have to get up just yet. The steady beat of the rain does wonders for my consciousness. I just let it go completely. I crawl back into the soft, warm blanket that envelopes my whole body, hug as many pillows as I can, and promptly go back to sleep.
Though now, I realized August brings more than a blatantly pathetic excuse for laziness. Other than signaling the nearness of adding another year to my sorry life, it brings forth music to the ears of bookworms like me – a month of book sale.
National Bookstore and Powerbooks chose August as the month of book sale. It’s a tradition. Save all your book money for August for it’s like an early Christmas gift to book lovers. Hundreds of us fly to the nearest branch to take advantage of getting a copy of the latest Paulo Coelho, 20% less. This month, I cannot spend as much as I did before. I used to buy ten to fifteen books in the past, but now I have to choose carefully as my budget will not allow me to get just any book I take fancy to. So I chose five books. Eleven Minutes by Coelho and Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman are the top two in my list.
An added bonus for us was the International Book Fair in the World Trade Center. It gathers almost all the publishing houses and all major bookshops and publications in one place during one glorious weekend. As if that’s not enough for us to get excited about, they slashed the prices and we get more discounts. Wee!
What else can I do? I have no choice, but to borrow money from my mom and buy more books.
Some people buy shoes, bags and clothes, I buy CDs, books and magazines. Some people wait in restaurants, I wait in bookstores, sifting through the latest book titles. Some people love to watch movies, uhm, I also love to watch movies. Tee hee.
And so in the midst of all this rain, floods, and very wet roads, I see sunshine. Just imagine rows and rows of shelves filled with hundreds and thousands of books. That’s my sunshine in August.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Rainy Day Drabble
Just snippets of my daily daydreams about my Prince and I. Both take place in the bedroom...yup, knowing me and my dirty mind, that's where it will all take place. ;-)
--------
Pretty Feet
I looked at our feet, toes wiggling, resting side by side at the foot of the bed. One pair was very manly, full of veins, a littly chubby, with chubby toes and with quite thick skin at the heel. It isn't a beautiful sight. Another pair has fair skin, quite sexy, all meaty on the right parts, and with a deep arch where it is needed. A beautiful ankle to boot accompanies it. Now that is pretty.
Scooting forward to take a closer look, I gather the sheets towards my chest for more cover and looked again. Then, sat up, careful not to let the blanket fall and let the rainy morning cool breeze hit any part of the naked me, I reached out and pinched one beautiful foot, hard.
"Ouch!" a shout from the newly awakened owner of the pair. "What are you doing?" a pair of beautiful hazel eyes is looking accusingly at me, while I tried my best to pretend innocence.
"Nothing." I said, softly, finally snuggling closer to his warm body, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulled the blanket over us. I sighed, as he let me in the circle of his arms.
"Go back to sleep, it's only 6 in the morning." he whispered, his fingers in my hair, and with a kiss on my forehead, he prepared to go back to sleep.
"I realized something this morning." I mumbled sleepily through his chest.
"What?" he asked drowsily, fighting to stay awake.
I closed my eyes, sleep finally coming near and said, "I have ugly, manly feet."
Damn that man with the girly feet. We didn't get any sleep. He was convulsed with laughter until lunchtime.
---------------
Awakened
I opened one eye slightly, still heavy with sleep. And was met with twinkling blue eyes and a gorgeous smile, just four inches from my face. "Gah!"
"I've been watching you sleep." he smiled, probably feeling proud of himself for doing something sickeningly sweet for the first time in the four months that we've been together.
"Watching me sleep?" I repeated, a little slow on the uptake since I was rudely awakened.
"Yep." that smile of his should be outlawed somewhere to prevent causing hysteria to affected women like me.
"And?" I didn't realize I was holding my breath for the compliment I was sure to hear. I smiled warmly at him, reaching out to run my fingers through his soft, wavy brown hair.
"You snore, Love." He quickly jumped from the bed at lightning speed, and ran to the adjoining bathroom as a pillow hit the closed door hard.
------
More to come...Breakfast, TV, and Movie Date.
--------
Pretty Feet
I looked at our feet, toes wiggling, resting side by side at the foot of the bed. One pair was very manly, full of veins, a littly chubby, with chubby toes and with quite thick skin at the heel. It isn't a beautiful sight. Another pair has fair skin, quite sexy, all meaty on the right parts, and with a deep arch where it is needed. A beautiful ankle to boot accompanies it. Now that is pretty.
Scooting forward to take a closer look, I gather the sheets towards my chest for more cover and looked again. Then, sat up, careful not to let the blanket fall and let the rainy morning cool breeze hit any part of the naked me, I reached out and pinched one beautiful foot, hard.
"Ouch!" a shout from the newly awakened owner of the pair. "What are you doing?" a pair of beautiful hazel eyes is looking accusingly at me, while I tried my best to pretend innocence.
"Nothing." I said, softly, finally snuggling closer to his warm body, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulled the blanket over us. I sighed, as he let me in the circle of his arms.
"Go back to sleep, it's only 6 in the morning." he whispered, his fingers in my hair, and with a kiss on my forehead, he prepared to go back to sleep.
"I realized something this morning." I mumbled sleepily through his chest.
"What?" he asked drowsily, fighting to stay awake.
I closed my eyes, sleep finally coming near and said, "I have ugly, manly feet."
Damn that man with the girly feet. We didn't get any sleep. He was convulsed with laughter until lunchtime.
---------------
Awakened
I opened one eye slightly, still heavy with sleep. And was met with twinkling blue eyes and a gorgeous smile, just four inches from my face. "Gah!"
"I've been watching you sleep." he smiled, probably feeling proud of himself for doing something sickeningly sweet for the first time in the four months that we've been together.
"Watching me sleep?" I repeated, a little slow on the uptake since I was rudely awakened.
"Yep." that smile of his should be outlawed somewhere to prevent causing hysteria to affected women like me.
"And?" I didn't realize I was holding my breath for the compliment I was sure to hear. I smiled warmly at him, reaching out to run my fingers through his soft, wavy brown hair.
"You snore, Love." He quickly jumped from the bed at lightning speed, and ran to the adjoining bathroom as a pillow hit the closed door hard.
------
More to come...Breakfast, TV, and Movie Date.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
My Seven Deadly Sins
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned…
------
Gluttony - an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
For the past three months, I have trained my stomach to crave little and be satisfied with less. But yesterday, when we went to eat in a Chinese restaurant, I transformed into a hungry young animal, wolfing down more than my fair share of the food that we ordered. Even when I can feel the food filling me up considerably, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. Ah, gluttony. For others this can take another form of excessive behavior, maybe drinking, drugs or even an almost gluttonous appetite for shoes, clothes, bags, or shopping. Why, oh why is it always food for me?
Lust - an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
I have a confession to make. I am a pervert. Okay, most of you are not surprised. But I am a secret pervert. Not so secret anymore, eh? Anyway, I say that I am one because I read smut literature in the Internet. I don't look for triple x pictures of men and women. I don't care to watch men and women get it on vcd or the likes. I like reading erotic literature. It must be the sexiest thing one could their hands on because it leaves so much to the imagination. But I'm way past erotic literature now. I read gay erotic literature these days. Not with simple characters, but since I'm obsessed with Harry Potter (or Daniel Radcliffe, sometimes I can't tell them apart anymore) I read a lot of Harry Potter slash literature, if you can still call those literature. Probably not. Okay, fiction then. I love reading about Harry and Draco and don't say yuck until you've read one, because if you're not male, (I hope Jerry is not reading this, or if he is, he probably skipped this part already, hehe) and you're around my age, plus you are not into self-denial, then you'll probably be turned on by the stories as well. And let's not talk about what's going through me, while I'm reading these stories, because that's when the sin of lust kicks in. Oh shucks, I'll stop before I further incriminate myself.
Pride - an excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
I thought pride is not being able to be the first to say sorry. But I guess it's deeper than that. I kept thinking that given my history of being the most insecure person you'll see this side of the world, I have have no sin of pride. But it says that pride is the sin from which all others arise. I don't know. If I have one sin of pride, it's that I love myself and I know what I want and what I like. (Now that's confusing really. Quite paradoxical. Insecure, yet sure of herself? Okay, erased. The most contradictory person alive...that should do.) I haven't had a serious relationship because I couldn't find a man to live up to my standards. Now that is pride. Vanity, at its most sinful. For the record, I'm not proud of it.
Greed - the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
I daydream constantly. You might think that I daydream about my imaginary gorgeous, smart and rich boyfriend, feeding me pastries while I'm lounging in the living room watching TV. Yes, that's part of it. But mostly I dream of big houses, traveling the world in style and luxury and not having to work for money ever again. That's what I dream of. And sometimes, it will consume me and I'll feel inadequate and I'll feel dissatisfied with the blessings I have now. That’s the dark side of something as ordinary as daydreaming.
Sloth - the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
One of the two dominant sins of my life, being lazy is the more obvious one. Others don't know how to sit still, rest and just spend the whole day in bed. I can. There's nothing more that I would love than having an entire day just for lazing around. I made it into an art. And actually, truth be told, I’m not apologizing for it. When given a day off, I won't go to the beach, or to the mall, I'd rather spend it on my bed, with a book and the remote control of my TV, just beside my pillow. Ah, combined with gluttony, this sin is the culprit for my excess body weight. As if knowing the sin would help me lose weight. Duh!
Anger - manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
We live in anger daily and although I try my best to cheerful and positive, one would find it difficult amidst the reading of the daily newspaper. How can one feel love towards the politicians who are scrambling to make laws that does not feed the people but add more wealth to their already hideously large bank accounts? How can one feel love towards countless people who are apathetic about the world we live in? How can one feel love towards this oftentimes cruel and indifferent society around us? It is difficult I tell you. That's why if I can, I just watched the travel channel and instead of getting angry, just bathed myself with my more dominant, but considerably less obvious, sin…
Envy - the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
Everyday, I pray and say a little thanks to God for all the blessings bestowed upon me. And everyday, I'm guilty of lying as well envious. I look at my life as some pathetic, sorry excuse compared to what others have. Constantly. I like watching how celebrities spend their millions, living the high life, envious of their fame and fortune. But that's okay. It's normal to be envious to celebrities. Who wouldn't be? But worse, I compare myself constantly to my friends, who, in my eyes, always seem to have the life, the personality or even the body weight that I've always wanted. I envy even some people who has a husband, or a steady boyfriend, or even a partner (for my gay friends) that they can share their life with. I don't begrudge them their happiness, and I truly am happy for them. But I can't help it. No matter how hard I try to overcome this, my insecurities come surfing up every time and I'll be envious of what other people has, that I don't.
Lately, I've been praying for God to help me let go of envy and be content for what I have in addition to saying thanks. It will be a hard, and long journey to finally be able to appreciate my life and blessings completely, but I believe I will get there eventually.
------
Gluttony - an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
For the past three months, I have trained my stomach to crave little and be satisfied with less. But yesterday, when we went to eat in a Chinese restaurant, I transformed into a hungry young animal, wolfing down more than my fair share of the food that we ordered. Even when I can feel the food filling me up considerably, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. Ah, gluttony. For others this can take another form of excessive behavior, maybe drinking, drugs or even an almost gluttonous appetite for shoes, clothes, bags, or shopping. Why, oh why is it always food for me?
Lust - an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
I have a confession to make. I am a pervert. Okay, most of you are not surprised. But I am a secret pervert. Not so secret anymore, eh? Anyway, I say that I am one because I read smut literature in the Internet. I don't look for triple x pictures of men and women. I don't care to watch men and women get it on vcd or the likes. I like reading erotic literature. It must be the sexiest thing one could their hands on because it leaves so much to the imagination. But I'm way past erotic literature now. I read gay erotic literature these days. Not with simple characters, but since I'm obsessed with Harry Potter (or Daniel Radcliffe, sometimes I can't tell them apart anymore) I read a lot of Harry Potter slash literature, if you can still call those literature. Probably not. Okay, fiction then. I love reading about Harry and Draco and don't say yuck until you've read one, because if you're not male, (I hope Jerry is not reading this, or if he is, he probably skipped this part already, hehe) and you're around my age, plus you are not into self-denial, then you'll probably be turned on by the stories as well. And let's not talk about what's going through me, while I'm reading these stories, because that's when the sin of lust kicks in. Oh shucks, I'll stop before I further incriminate myself.
Pride - an excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
I thought pride is not being able to be the first to say sorry. But I guess it's deeper than that. I kept thinking that given my history of being the most insecure person you'll see this side of the world, I have have no sin of pride. But it says that pride is the sin from which all others arise. I don't know. If I have one sin of pride, it's that I love myself and I know what I want and what I like. (Now that's confusing really. Quite paradoxical. Insecure, yet sure of herself? Okay, erased. The most contradictory person alive...that should do.) I haven't had a serious relationship because I couldn't find a man to live up to my standards. Now that is pride. Vanity, at its most sinful. For the record, I'm not proud of it.
Greed - the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
I daydream constantly. You might think that I daydream about my imaginary gorgeous, smart and rich boyfriend, feeding me pastries while I'm lounging in the living room watching TV. Yes, that's part of it. But mostly I dream of big houses, traveling the world in style and luxury and not having to work for money ever again. That's what I dream of. And sometimes, it will consume me and I'll feel inadequate and I'll feel dissatisfied with the blessings I have now. That’s the dark side of something as ordinary as daydreaming.
Sloth - the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
One of the two dominant sins of my life, being lazy is the more obvious one. Others don't know how to sit still, rest and just spend the whole day in bed. I can. There's nothing more that I would love than having an entire day just for lazing around. I made it into an art. And actually, truth be told, I’m not apologizing for it. When given a day off, I won't go to the beach, or to the mall, I'd rather spend it on my bed, with a book and the remote control of my TV, just beside my pillow. Ah, combined with gluttony, this sin is the culprit for my excess body weight. As if knowing the sin would help me lose weight. Duh!
Anger - manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
We live in anger daily and although I try my best to cheerful and positive, one would find it difficult amidst the reading of the daily newspaper. How can one feel love towards the politicians who are scrambling to make laws that does not feed the people but add more wealth to their already hideously large bank accounts? How can one feel love towards countless people who are apathetic about the world we live in? How can one feel love towards this oftentimes cruel and indifferent society around us? It is difficult I tell you. That's why if I can, I just watched the travel channel and instead of getting angry, just bathed myself with my more dominant, but considerably less obvious, sin…
Envy - the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
Everyday, I pray and say a little thanks to God for all the blessings bestowed upon me. And everyday, I'm guilty of lying as well envious. I look at my life as some pathetic, sorry excuse compared to what others have. Constantly. I like watching how celebrities spend their millions, living the high life, envious of their fame and fortune. But that's okay. It's normal to be envious to celebrities. Who wouldn't be? But worse, I compare myself constantly to my friends, who, in my eyes, always seem to have the life, the personality or even the body weight that I've always wanted. I envy even some people who has a husband, or a steady boyfriend, or even a partner (for my gay friends) that they can share their life with. I don't begrudge them their happiness, and I truly am happy for them. But I can't help it. No matter how hard I try to overcome this, my insecurities come surfing up every time and I'll be envious of what other people has, that I don't.
Lately, I've been praying for God to help me let go of envy and be content for what I have in addition to saying thanks. It will be a hard, and long journey to finally be able to appreciate my life and blessings completely, but I believe I will get there eventually.
Rhea's Cravings
I dreamt of you last night.
Maybe because I was up until midnight, mindlessly staring at the screen of my TV, daydreaming about you, hours after I've seen you in it. You were up for less than a minute, and I couldn't forget you and your skin. The thought of you haunted me hours after. I began to plan on how to see you the next day. Maybe I can re-arrange my schedule so that we may have some time alone tomorrow. A quick one over lunch, if you will allow it. Oh, of course you will allow it. There's nothing more you love than spreading yourself in front of me. Then, there was I, almost salivating at the look of you, ready to pounce anytime, but afraid that if I do so in a hurry, everything will end quickly. And that won't do at all. It just won't do.
Why am I torturing myself, pacing back and forth in my room, contemplating on whether to see you or not? It is torture to deprive myself of you. Tragic really, how I couldn't control myself when it comes to you. Total lack of control, that's what I have when I think of you. All rational thoughts flew, waving goodbye, seeming to taunt me that the prim and proper me, suddenly became a shameless, greedy person for wanting you all the time. Today, the need is even more pronounced. I couldn't stop thinking about you, about having you, even if I have to sneak from the office before lunch so I can enjoy you and your body at leisure.
Ah, I need to go the office. Damn. I hope I can get some things done today. You are a real distraction. A distraction I don't need when all my deadlines are looking right at me.
Gah! I'm sitting in front of my PC and all I can think of are your thighs. Now how decadent was that? I want to nibble my way, working up to the inside, and down again, not missing an inch of that succulent thigh of yours. Ah, this won't do. My cubicle is right in everyone's path from the elevator. I can't allow them to see me like this, trembling with want and need, at just the thought of your...thighs. I need to concentrate on some other body parts. How about your leg? Or your ---breasts? Grrr.
It's done. I'm a goner. My boss is looking at me like I've sprouted horns suddenly, because I keep squeezing my eyes shut and trying to dislodge the image of me, bending over, smelling and relishing the scent of your breast. Creamy white, and quite voluptuous really, your breasts are made for nibbling, and yes, if I'm truthful, biting. I need to take those beautiful things into my mouth. I can't wait any longer. I need to go. As in, now.
Just a little more, a little further and I can be with you. I can finally touch you, feel you and taste you. The taste of you burns in my mind. I'll go mad if I can't be with you soon. I need to time this perfectly. No hurry when I get there. I will savor the time we have together. Take some extra time tasting the juice out of your inner thighs. And a little more time with those breasts of yours. And yes, I promise to keep you in my mouth for as long as I can. Oh, I know you would like that. So don't tease me. Don't tease me by making me wait. Please don't. I know other people, your friends maybe, also wants to be with you, but not as much as me.
At last, I'm here, and I can already see you waiting for me. Only you can satisfy this seemingly constant, nagging, craving that I have. I'm shameless, as I look at you now, as predicted, spread out before me, teasing me, encouraging me to make the first bold move. I didn't disappoint you, though for a moment, I hesitated, because I couldn't seem to make up my mind where to put my hand first.
Hmmm. You are certainly finger linkin' good. I think I need more gravy. I still have your breasts to eat next. I think I have some more time for the hot and spicy you. Yum, yum.
---
*A variation of, and inspired by Rhea's essay about our favorite chicken...
Maybe because I was up until midnight, mindlessly staring at the screen of my TV, daydreaming about you, hours after I've seen you in it. You were up for less than a minute, and I couldn't forget you and your skin. The thought of you haunted me hours after. I began to plan on how to see you the next day. Maybe I can re-arrange my schedule so that we may have some time alone tomorrow. A quick one over lunch, if you will allow it. Oh, of course you will allow it. There's nothing more you love than spreading yourself in front of me. Then, there was I, almost salivating at the look of you, ready to pounce anytime, but afraid that if I do so in a hurry, everything will end quickly. And that won't do at all. It just won't do.
Why am I torturing myself, pacing back and forth in my room, contemplating on whether to see you or not? It is torture to deprive myself of you. Tragic really, how I couldn't control myself when it comes to you. Total lack of control, that's what I have when I think of you. All rational thoughts flew, waving goodbye, seeming to taunt me that the prim and proper me, suddenly became a shameless, greedy person for wanting you all the time. Today, the need is even more pronounced. I couldn't stop thinking about you, about having you, even if I have to sneak from the office before lunch so I can enjoy you and your body at leisure.
Ah, I need to go the office. Damn. I hope I can get some things done today. You are a real distraction. A distraction I don't need when all my deadlines are looking right at me.
Gah! I'm sitting in front of my PC and all I can think of are your thighs. Now how decadent was that? I want to nibble my way, working up to the inside, and down again, not missing an inch of that succulent thigh of yours. Ah, this won't do. My cubicle is right in everyone's path from the elevator. I can't allow them to see me like this, trembling with want and need, at just the thought of your...thighs. I need to concentrate on some other body parts. How about your leg? Or your ---breasts? Grrr.
It's done. I'm a goner. My boss is looking at me like I've sprouted horns suddenly, because I keep squeezing my eyes shut and trying to dislodge the image of me, bending over, smelling and relishing the scent of your breast. Creamy white, and quite voluptuous really, your breasts are made for nibbling, and yes, if I'm truthful, biting. I need to take those beautiful things into my mouth. I can't wait any longer. I need to go. As in, now.
Just a little more, a little further and I can be with you. I can finally touch you, feel you and taste you. The taste of you burns in my mind. I'll go mad if I can't be with you soon. I need to time this perfectly. No hurry when I get there. I will savor the time we have together. Take some extra time tasting the juice out of your inner thighs. And a little more time with those breasts of yours. And yes, I promise to keep you in my mouth for as long as I can. Oh, I know you would like that. So don't tease me. Don't tease me by making me wait. Please don't. I know other people, your friends maybe, also wants to be with you, but not as much as me.
At last, I'm here, and I can already see you waiting for me. Only you can satisfy this seemingly constant, nagging, craving that I have. I'm shameless, as I look at you now, as predicted, spread out before me, teasing me, encouraging me to make the first bold move. I didn't disappoint you, though for a moment, I hesitated, because I couldn't seem to make up my mind where to put my hand first.
Hmmm. You are certainly finger linkin' good. I think I need more gravy. I still have your breasts to eat next. I think I have some more time for the hot and spicy you. Yum, yum.
---
*A variation of, and inspired by Rhea's essay about our favorite chicken...
Monday, August 9, 2004
Destination: China
I went to China yesterday. I like the description of Lonely Planet about China..."China isn't a country - it's a different world." That's what attracted me to visit China for a while. So I lay down my bed, turned off the television and began my journey from our International airport. That's where every journey has to start, the burning desire to see the world, the look of longing to the departing planes, but all the while, promising to return home once the journey has ended.
I pictured everything in my mind. There, in the crowded airport, with only my hand carry bag, a few Yuan money and my passport and ticket to carry me through. Keeping my fingers crossed, I'll survive the trip to the epitome and symbol of the mysterious, ancient Eastern culture, China.
There are so many places to go to when you’re in China. So I just chose to go to the three most interesting (to me!) places in China, Beijing, Shanghai and Tibet. Next time, I’ll probably make time for X’ian, Nanjing, Qufu and Turpan.
Beijing, China
I expected Beijing to be full of temples, street vendors, and people riding bikes all over town. Street merchants selling dim sum and noodles that can appease your partial hunger while walking the long stretch of roads filled with people who walk faster than Makati yuppies. But then, what greeted me were sky-high buildings that seem to sprout all over the city as the country entered the global market. I need to see the ancient China, so I waddled my way to the Forbidden City. Even amongst all tourists poking their way to the city, I can still feel the sanctity of the place. To think, all those Chinese ancestors weren’t allowed to enter this city, but here we are, walking our way across the big yard in the middle of the city. I then proceeded to the Great Wall of China. More than the Forbidden City, this wall represents China like no other symbol can. The ancient wall is meant to protect China from outsiders and it did. The Chinese people believed that they are part of the Middle Kingdom, and maybe they are justified in thinking that, for even though they are not exposed to the outside world, they thrived for centuries.
I will no longer describe in detail the Summer Palace, Temple of the Heaven Park, and the Lama Temple that one will get to see in Beijing. Suffice it to say, I feel like I’m walking in between time zones. One look at the left, are the skyscrapers, and at the right are the temples. It makes you feel dizzy, I tell you. What with the Chinese people who always seem to be shouting at each other, I really need to rest for a while before going to Shanghai.
Shanghai, China
Ah, Shanghai is the basic definition of acculturation. It is the infusion of another culture to one’s own. The Western world as it entered and claimed a small part of proud China. Although not quite as vibrantly western as before, Shanghai once charmed tourists with a mix of the traditional and the modern. Modern architecture at the heart of the city, while temples, gardens and bazaars in some parts of the town, a traveler will never want for places to go. But one has to see the Bund, its riverside area and the Frenchtown to really see Shanghai’s colonial past.
Tibet, China
Kham is a new frontier for adventure travelers, a place where one can find unclimbed summits, galloping horsemen, old-growth forest, and villages and monasteries where no foreigner has set foot in fifty years.
When you pass through Luhuo (Trango) you may be disappointed by the lack of Tibetan architecture in the county seat. That's because an earthquake leveled the place in the 1970s. A really great hot spring, and not a bad camping spot either, is located just off the main highway in Ganzi County. When traveling west, go past the county town to the enormous and striking Dargye Gonpa (Dajin Si). This is Rongbatsa Township. Continue a little further to where there is a small pond to the right of the highway. Follow the track some 2 km to a walled compound, which is the home of Gyalten Rinpoche. Baiyu (Pelyul) is a very pleasant, comparatively low-lying town with more than the usual variety and quantity of vegetables available. There is also a nunnery in the town, which makes it a good destination for all you female vegetarian types.
----
Ah, my feet are so very tired, my eyes drooping as I struggled between consciousness and sleep. But my brain and my spirit are working overtime as I say goodbye to the exotic China and say hello once again to the place I love more than anywhere else in the world. My home, my bedroom, my bed. Sleep waiting for me, while rain quietly drizzled outside. Hmmm, there’s no better feeling.
Good night.
*Sources: Lonely Planet, Khamaid.Org
I pictured everything in my mind. There, in the crowded airport, with only my hand carry bag, a few Yuan money and my passport and ticket to carry me through. Keeping my fingers crossed, I'll survive the trip to the epitome and symbol of the mysterious, ancient Eastern culture, China.
There are so many places to go to when you’re in China. So I just chose to go to the three most interesting (to me!) places in China, Beijing, Shanghai and Tibet. Next time, I’ll probably make time for X’ian, Nanjing, Qufu and Turpan.
Beijing, China
I expected Beijing to be full of temples, street vendors, and people riding bikes all over town. Street merchants selling dim sum and noodles that can appease your partial hunger while walking the long stretch of roads filled with people who walk faster than Makati yuppies. But then, what greeted me were sky-high buildings that seem to sprout all over the city as the country entered the global market. I need to see the ancient China, so I waddled my way to the Forbidden City. Even amongst all tourists poking their way to the city, I can still feel the sanctity of the place. To think, all those Chinese ancestors weren’t allowed to enter this city, but here we are, walking our way across the big yard in the middle of the city. I then proceeded to the Great Wall of China. More than the Forbidden City, this wall represents China like no other symbol can. The ancient wall is meant to protect China from outsiders and it did. The Chinese people believed that they are part of the Middle Kingdom, and maybe they are justified in thinking that, for even though they are not exposed to the outside world, they thrived for centuries.
I will no longer describe in detail the Summer Palace, Temple of the Heaven Park, and the Lama Temple that one will get to see in Beijing. Suffice it to say, I feel like I’m walking in between time zones. One look at the left, are the skyscrapers, and at the right are the temples. It makes you feel dizzy, I tell you. What with the Chinese people who always seem to be shouting at each other, I really need to rest for a while before going to Shanghai.
Shanghai, China
Ah, Shanghai is the basic definition of acculturation. It is the infusion of another culture to one’s own. The Western world as it entered and claimed a small part of proud China. Although not quite as vibrantly western as before, Shanghai once charmed tourists with a mix of the traditional and the modern. Modern architecture at the heart of the city, while temples, gardens and bazaars in some parts of the town, a traveler will never want for places to go. But one has to see the Bund, its riverside area and the Frenchtown to really see Shanghai’s colonial past.
Tibet, China
Kham is a new frontier for adventure travelers, a place where one can find unclimbed summits, galloping horsemen, old-growth forest, and villages and monasteries where no foreigner has set foot in fifty years.
When you pass through Luhuo (Trango) you may be disappointed by the lack of Tibetan architecture in the county seat. That's because an earthquake leveled the place in the 1970s. A really great hot spring, and not a bad camping spot either, is located just off the main highway in Ganzi County. When traveling west, go past the county town to the enormous and striking Dargye Gonpa (Dajin Si). This is Rongbatsa Township. Continue a little further to where there is a small pond to the right of the highway. Follow the track some 2 km to a walled compound, which is the home of Gyalten Rinpoche. Baiyu (Pelyul) is a very pleasant, comparatively low-lying town with more than the usual variety and quantity of vegetables available. There is also a nunnery in the town, which makes it a good destination for all you female vegetarian types.
----
Ah, my feet are so very tired, my eyes drooping as I struggled between consciousness and sleep. But my brain and my spirit are working overtime as I say goodbye to the exotic China and say hello once again to the place I love more than anywhere else in the world. My home, my bedroom, my bed. Sleep waiting for me, while rain quietly drizzled outside. Hmmm, there’s no better feeling.
Good night.
*Sources: Lonely Planet, Khamaid.Org
Sunday, August 8, 2004
Birthday Blues
It's too early for me to have any birthday blues. I have two choices actually. I have 2 more months to spend complaining about getting older and not accomplishing anything big in my life, or I have 2 more months to relish being 27 for the last time before I turned 28. Gah! Twenty-eight. There, I wrote it down. It's sounds so darn -- well, old, for lack of a better word. Isn't that the age where Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding said to Dermot Mulroney that they have to get married? And I know for sure that the older woman in Y Tu Mama Tambien that seduced the two teenage boys is a twenty-eight year old woman. I think I have to be seduced first before I can have the confidence to seduced two teenage boys. But then again, how hard would it be really to seduce two teenage boys?
I've been living in fear and anxiety for the last two months. I had two big zits in my forehead that my delicate skin still have to recover from, and my diet has taken a downturn. I usually give the coming exam as a reason, and tell everyone that I have a genetic disease that renders me paralyzed when the word 'board exam' is mentioned. But the truth is, the exams are not that frightening. I can do something about it. I can either study, do my best, or I can laze around and be frightened to death that I'll fail miserably. In the end, I have a choice and I have control over the situation.
My constant, nagging fear is growing old alone. Thus, the theme of birthday blues. I believe I am a successful person. Success means reaching the goals that I set for myself. And I almost always did accomplish what I set my mind to accomplish. But I can't do that in finding a mate. I can't write a business plan and set out to launch myself, promote and advertise myself and through strategy and business cunning, win the man of my dreams. I'll probably get old perverts, or too young boys going after me, hoping I'm too desperate and they can score. I just read an entry from my Pare's links, and his friend wrote in her blog that hopefully she would not settle. I don't want to settle too. I, too have higher standards back in those good old days when I belong to the lower age bracket of youth. I also dream of finding the man that God meant to be with me. I pray every night for Him to send the guy asap, as I'm about to expire.
I have to end this ranting soon because it's getting late and I have written far too many complaints of my single blessedness in the past. The point here is, (the BIG point of all my rambling) I believe God just took my hand in His and gave me a little bit of comfort because the answer to my prayer is not yet forthcoming. I believe He's telling me that He's not singling me out and making me suffer. He's showing me that there are more pressing matters to attend to, better things that I can do, and most important of all, He's telling me that I'm not alone. I am not the only one frightened to death of growing old alone. I am not the only one He's telling to wait. And I am not alone because He's there with me.
In the end, when desperation pulls a woman to the brink of insanity, I rely on my faith like a man drowning grasps at straws. Only difference is I believe my faith can pull me back in the land of the living. As it always does.
I've been living in fear and anxiety for the last two months. I had two big zits in my forehead that my delicate skin still have to recover from, and my diet has taken a downturn. I usually give the coming exam as a reason, and tell everyone that I have a genetic disease that renders me paralyzed when the word 'board exam' is mentioned. But the truth is, the exams are not that frightening. I can do something about it. I can either study, do my best, or I can laze around and be frightened to death that I'll fail miserably. In the end, I have a choice and I have control over the situation.
My constant, nagging fear is growing old alone. Thus, the theme of birthday blues. I believe I am a successful person. Success means reaching the goals that I set for myself. And I almost always did accomplish what I set my mind to accomplish. But I can't do that in finding a mate. I can't write a business plan and set out to launch myself, promote and advertise myself and through strategy and business cunning, win the man of my dreams. I'll probably get old perverts, or too young boys going after me, hoping I'm too desperate and they can score. I just read an entry from my Pare's links, and his friend wrote in her blog that hopefully she would not settle. I don't want to settle too. I, too have higher standards back in those good old days when I belong to the lower age bracket of youth. I also dream of finding the man that God meant to be with me. I pray every night for Him to send the guy asap, as I'm about to expire.
I have to end this ranting soon because it's getting late and I have written far too many complaints of my single blessedness in the past. The point here is, (the BIG point of all my rambling) I believe God just took my hand in His and gave me a little bit of comfort because the answer to my prayer is not yet forthcoming. I believe He's telling me that He's not singling me out and making me suffer. He's showing me that there are more pressing matters to attend to, better things that I can do, and most important of all, He's telling me that I'm not alone. I am not the only one frightened to death of growing old alone. I am not the only one He's telling to wait. And I am not alone because He's there with me.
In the end, when desperation pulls a woman to the brink of insanity, I rely on my faith like a man drowning grasps at straws. Only difference is I believe my faith can pull me back in the land of the living. As it always does.
Saturday, August 7, 2004
Love Quotes
Since I cannot write anything sensible, I would rather share with everyone my favorite quotes (it can't fit into any sort of Top Ten because I don't have a Top Ten. I have a Top One Hundred.) I read notable quotations frequently. Subscribe to some daily inspirational quotes and even take note of funny or romantic movie quotes. I collect quotes in my mind like a pack rat and I like how quotes make me sound doubly intelligent whenever I slip some into everyday conversations. Note, I said, doubly intelligent.
These love quotes are my favorites. Although, I should warn you that I'm really weird in that I like the witty sarcastic, funny quotes rather the sappy, romantic ones. Maybe tomorrow, I can share my favorite life quotes. Or maybe not.
----------------
1. On True Love:
"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Harry Burns (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally, Nora Ephron (writing credits)
2. The Great Love:
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddha
3. About Love's Reasons:
"If I am pressed to say why I loved him, I feel it can only be explained by replying: "Because it was he; because it was me." - Montaigne
4. On True Love (again):
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de Saint Exupery
5. On True Love (nth time):
"We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack." - Marie E. Eschenbach
6. How to Love a Woman:
"There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart." - Melanie Griffith
7. On First Love:
"How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?" - Albert Einstein
8. On Past Loves:
Samantha: Honey, you look back so much you should have a relationship rearview mirror.
Miranda: Relationships may appear closer than they actually are.
- Sex and the City
9. Love Lost:
"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived." - Margaret Mitchell
10. On Marriage:
"An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie
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I'll end with a quote, since this is quote day. (Oops, this quote is one of my top five, but I'd rather put this at the end. It suits the gloomy weather and my contemplative mood.)
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." - Charlie Brown, Peanuts
These love quotes are my favorites. Although, I should warn you that I'm really weird in that I like the witty sarcastic, funny quotes rather the sappy, romantic ones. Maybe tomorrow, I can share my favorite life quotes. Or maybe not.
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1. On True Love:
"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Harry Burns (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally, Nora Ephron (writing credits)
2. The Great Love:
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddha
3. About Love's Reasons:
"If I am pressed to say why I loved him, I feel it can only be explained by replying: "Because it was he; because it was me." - Montaigne
4. On True Love (again):
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de Saint Exupery
5. On True Love (nth time):
"We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack." - Marie E. Eschenbach
6. How to Love a Woman:
"There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart." - Melanie Griffith
7. On First Love:
"How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?" - Albert Einstein
8. On Past Loves:
Samantha: Honey, you look back so much you should have a relationship rearview mirror.
Miranda: Relationships may appear closer than they actually are.
- Sex and the City
9. Love Lost:
"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived." - Margaret Mitchell
10. On Marriage:
"An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie
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I'll end with a quote, since this is quote day. (Oops, this quote is one of my top five, but I'd rather put this at the end. It suits the gloomy weather and my contemplative mood.)
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." - Charlie Brown, Peanuts
Thursday, August 5, 2004
Blank Mind
I haven't been writing lately and I was wondering if I have really stopped daydreaming, thinking of the future, wallowing in self-pity or contemplating the past days. But I haven't. I know I haven't. I still spent hours just staring at my ceiling, my reviewers beside me, forgotten for a couple of hours. I still spent hours watching tv, then thinking of what I did yesterday and the day before that. I still spent valuable conscious effort in not wallowing in self-pity when I see couples everywhere I go and discussing future wedding arrangements of my friend. And lastly, I still daydream about a future. A future filled with travelling, teaching, children and love.
All of these I still do. What I can't do, for the life of me, is sift through my countless non-sensical thoughts and write down something contemplative and make sense of just one essay a day. I can't and since I don't feel like writing then I just don't do it.
I am still afraid, my life seeming to stop momentarily for now, until maybe after the exam day. If I passed, I'll be the happiest girl alive. If I don't, I have to re-think all I'm doing for the past year. What really is my purpose in life?
That is another story for another day. My mind went blank again. Just like that. When I don't want to feel, and I don't want to think of something too closely, it closed off and think of happier thoughts, willing my whole body to forget something so negative and concentrate on more pleasant things.
It's time to read a book again. I'll think I'll start with 'Eleven Minutes' or 'Neverwhere'. Whatever.
All of these I still do. What I can't do, for the life of me, is sift through my countless non-sensical thoughts and write down something contemplative and make sense of just one essay a day. I can't and since I don't feel like writing then I just don't do it.
I am still afraid, my life seeming to stop momentarily for now, until maybe after the exam day. If I passed, I'll be the happiest girl alive. If I don't, I have to re-think all I'm doing for the past year. What really is my purpose in life?
That is another story for another day. My mind went blank again. Just like that. When I don't want to feel, and I don't want to think of something too closely, it closed off and think of happier thoughts, willing my whole body to forget something so negative and concentrate on more pleasant things.
It's time to read a book again. I'll think I'll start with 'Eleven Minutes' or 'Neverwhere'. Whatever.
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