When I opened my eyes this morning, I searched immediately amidst my ten fluffy pillows, seeming to unconsciously look for that something missing in my life. When I washed my face and stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, I squelched the heavy feeling still residing in my chest. When I ate my breakfast, sip my morning coffee, read the headlines of newspapers, I still crave. When I brushed my teeth, went back to bed, turn on the tv for morning news and let my mind wander, I'm still looking, and waiting.
Sometimes, uncertainty plagues my whole being. Panic reigns, and I scrambled to do something about it. That's my thing, you see. Try to look for something to do about a problem, try to be forward thinking. Or, I look for something positive to do. It's the only way to survive this waiting game that drives me to the brink of, if not totally pushed me over to, hopelessness.
I somehow find myself looking out at windows, trying to see shadows in the morning light. I began noticing small, pretty details in people I wouldn't find remotely good looking before. I see the world in a different light, because I'm hoping when I next turn my head, I will find what I'm looking for. I’m still holding my breath.
It’s vaguely disturbing to write all of this down because I see a woman driven by her own negative emotions and I hate to be that kind of woman. I hate feeling like this, and I hate not being able to control the situation I’m in. I see myself as a pathetic wanderer, desperate for something that may or may not be meant for her. I hate doing things to find it and going back home, tail between my legs, coming up empty handed.
I hate it that fulfilling my dreams has taken a backseat just because time is running out, and this has become more of a priority. Is there such a thing as having good things too late? Is there a deadline to being happy? That when you cross a certain age and you still haven’t achieved it, it will no longer be available to you? I hate feeling incapacitated to the point of helplessness going about pursuing something. This is something I cannot do on my own. This is something I cannot have total control. In a nutshell, I just don’t like losing hope about anything. And I especially don’t like being envious of other people’s happiness. Which I must admit, I am. And everyday, I’m becoming increasingly more so.
I laughed, I daydream, I breathe in and out, I smile, I talk and I eat. I sleep, I dream, I hurt I go out with friends, chat with them and laugh uproariously over little things. Sometimes I even begin to hope again. But I still crave, I still search, I still long for, and I’m still desperately holding on to that very thin fabric of hope born out of faith that I'm not waiting for nothing.
----------
*As I read this again, I ask myself, why, Lord, oh why did you make Librans such hopeless romantics? I feel like if I’m not one, I’ll be enjoying my single life. But no, Librans have the hardest of combinations - hopeless romantics (read: in love with love) yet very picky (read: will not settle for anything less than what THEY FEEL is best). I tend to choose the harder path in life, usually. Go figure I’m stuck being a hardcore Libran, and destined to make difficult choices in life.
**For all Librans who disagrees, I don’t know if it’s just my Libran friends and I. Oh well, sorry for the generalization. Everything is relative.
No comments:
Post a Comment