Spectrum of Life

I know that because

God loves me,

I can do wonderful things.

I can try great things,

Learn anything,

Achieve anything.

-- Maya Angelou





I don't know why I didn't note it down here in my online diary, (and I've been telling myself I would, if ever!) but being a neophyte hypochondriac, I was increasingly worried about my situation, that I only managed to thank God briefly (not with tears of joy as I have imagined myself), and then, on to the next worries. Sad, and really ungrateful.



But anyway, I'd just like to say that something good came my way last Tuesday. I drove for my sis whole day of yesterday and half of today, and it's okay. That news will last me for a long while yet.



Now I can write about things, and thoughts that have plagued me throughout most of the weekend that I haven't voiced out. It's just there waiting for me to put it into words, so that I will always remember that I have passed this road, and moved on.



I was terrified about a number of things during the past three to four months. That's quite a long time to be scared. And I don't mind being scared a little, but I certainly am not fond of being scared into inaction. I hate helplessness. I hate not being in control of my life, and I certainly hate being in the throes of fright that I cannot make any rational decision or thought about things in my life. But what makes being afraid so ridiculous is that I forget and overlooked a lot of blessings that are coming my way, every day. It makes me so ungrateful, and I don't like it. It makes me untrusting to God, I don't like it. And it makes me doubt of His love for me, that I am wracked with guilt at the thought.



What was I afraid of really? I was afraid that I will not experience the whole spectrum of experiences and emotions in life. That I will be limited to this small, tiny existence I've been calling life. That I will be not be able to see more of what God has been generously giving to everybody else. What I don’t realize is that my life is a gift from Him, and whatever I do with it, it will never be just a small, tiny existence.



Those are a lot to think about for one weekend.



I was thinking of those things that I am praying for, but haven't found yet. There are the simple pleasures that everybody takes for granted. And those dreams and wishes I keep in my heart that I am sometimes desperate for.



See the sun shines and greets everyone good morning. Hear the horns of cars and jeepneys everywhere. Taste hot pandesal with melting butter with the smell of coffee in the background. See a movie, chat with friends, have conversation with coffee, listen to reggae music, and read stories that make up life. Smiles, thrown every which way. Laughter, ringing in your ears, long after it's gone. Hugs, for every body.



A passionate kiss. A grand love affair that hopefully will last my whole life. A beautiful child, that every woman wishes to have, but sometimes is afraid to wish for. A profession, that I am good at and that I love. A lifelong promise to learn, and to teach. A wandering feet, and an adventurous heart, to experience and see more of the world. And the list goes on.



Death, which is as much a part of life as life itself, makes you wonder about these things. But it makes you want to grab life in both hands, and do everything all at the same time, experience everything life has to offer.



I thought I have more than enough time to write my life story. I thought I have more than enough time to make it interesting, make it a page-turner if ever somebody will read my story, and not some documentary of a bland life. And I found out I do have enough time. But the thing is, we just don’t know when it will all end.



Maybe my life isn't that interesting, and adventurous, and fulfilling, and insert-another-synonym-for-interesting-here. But I'm a dreamer, a writer, a storyteller. God probably made me a dreamer, so that I can write my own story and put my own dialogues and create my own twists. Maybe God thought, well, she wants a colorful life and I can't give that to everybody, I'll give her the means to put those colors into her life.



And by writing about life, I certainly hope I can.



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*It was hard to say no to Sagada and Banawe trip over the weekend. But I'm torn between wanting the adventure right now, and being guilty of all expenses by those physical tests that I just had. Oh well, next week perhaps... :-D