Thursday, July 13, 2006

Missing Pieces

There's so many things I still want to do in life. RV and I went out last Monday and we both asked ourselves, why are we here? Why are we both jobless when we are individuals who couldn't settle for anything less than what we want in life?

Maybe that's why.

I couldn't be stuck in a job that I don't want to do anymore. I couldn't be an ordinary employee doing the same ordinary things, day in and day out when I could try reaching for my dreams. That's why I went out and tried to become a teacher. Maybe someday I still would become one. I should hope so.

But for now, I'm stuck in this relentless pursuit of dreams. Travel. True Love. Job that I love.

For now, I'm content by simple things. Little money to spend. A goal to think of, like my 30th birthday gift of a trip to Cambodia. And a flicker of hope, that someday I'll still find and meet the Man of my Dreams, and he'll turn out to be the One, and I will still get married and have my own Iya.

Someday.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Top Ten part 3

on with the Top Ten...



Jake... I didn't like him at first, but he kinda grew on me, so when the last credits roll on The Day After Tomorrow, I was hooked.


Okay so I have a history of liking young men (ie. Daniel when he was eleven!) and older men (i.e. Mel Gibson) so it's not surprising I find Hugh attractive, after all he's not that old. And he's British (that accent turns me into mush every time) and he's funny. All very good reasons to make him sexy in my book.




I didn't like Orlando until I saw him last Saturday when he was being interviewed by Jay Leno and he looks kind of like a tamer and younger version of Johnny Depp. I guess working with Johnny Depp gets you in most (i.e. mine!) girls list of dreamiest!

Top Ten part 2

Okay, I can't talk much. I can only post the pictures and gush a little bit before moving to the next.




Ah, rock star. I thought I wouldn't fall for one. Quite late in Bon Jovi's heyday that I got into the bandwagon of screaming fans of Jon Bon Jovi. But after watching him at Ally McBeal, and being interviewed by Oprah...He's one of those guys who keeps getting sexier as they got older.



I like him since he was Tom Hanson in 21 Jumpstreet, until he was Jack Sparrow in Pirates. But I especially adore him as Roux in Chocolat. I never thought I'd find scruffy looking men with goatie attractive, but I can't imagine Johnny Depp with anything else.

So angry, so mean, but I see a tortured soul. Yep, that's how it goes. When you like someone, he's a tortured soul, just misunderstood. When you don't, they're just plain angry and mean. Eminem comes off looking like a baby angel (with those baby blues) but then you'll hear him spouting obscenities left and right, and he becomes your bad bad boy.

When did this happen? That I liked Draco Malfoy better than Harry Potter? I love Daniel when he was eleven to thirteen. I liked Draco older than Harry. Oh well. I can't explain it. In the end, I guess I like the guy with an edge rather than the goody goody Saviour of the Wizarding World. (at least this time, I have a crush on the actor and not on the character...)




Saturday, June 24, 2006

Top Ten

Geez, I realized I haven't posted in this blog for more than 3 months! Record-breaking, that's the longest I've gone without writing here. Anyway, I thought I could put in one of the top ten I wanted to write about. My Top Ten Sexiest Men - wee. I wished yesterday and prayed that Mr. Right would come find me asap, so I was hoping this list will give clues to the One deciding up above.



Gale Harold. Enough said. Can't talk. Can't breathe. So beautiful. Gah!


I know I know. That's why I don't have a boyfriend. I'm in love with fictional characters. Draco Malfoy. Bad boy, embodiment of bad bad sex appeal in the HP fanfiction universe. I don't even like the actor who plays Draco, I love all the Draco portrayed by fans in fanfiction. He's so - bad- and yet you can't help but fall in love with him. Number 2 ladies and gents, number 2.


Before I became obssessed with Gale Harold, I would've given Keanu Reeves the number 1 sexiest. I think this guy is delicious. Yummy. Ever since he was Ted, I had a big big crush on Keanu Reeves. A long and lasting lust affair. I just can't resist that still-water-runs-deep kind of image.

Friday, March 17, 2006

My Definition

I know I said I won't post nonsensical stuff here, but I just have to post this....

it's so me.

elaine --
[noun]:

A dance involving little to no clothing

'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com


elaney --
[adjective]:

Sexually stunning

'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Monday, February 13, 2006

Guilt

One day to go and I lost it.

I've been doing really well, according to my standards. I haven't lost my patience...not once, and haven't said anything bad or negative to any of my students the entire two and half months.

And just when I was about to say goodbye, I lost it. I ruined my personal record.

I was teaching them how to make a pop-up Valentine card. So I gave them a pattern and one by one, I taught them how to cut the pattern, just by tracing the pattern on the paper. I repeated my instructions four or five times to Margarita (she's one of the more capable ones, who follows instructions easily enough), and showed her twice how to do it (still, you have to take into consideration that instructions should be demonstrated and repeated), before I let her cut the pattern herself. She wasn't listening to me, just kept nodding and saying she knows how to do it, and how I'm so makulit.

And of course, she did it all wrong. And that's when I broke my record. I told her she didn't do it right, and we have to repeat. I could've asked her first if she followed my instructions, or if she had forgotten something, before pointing out the mistake, and I shouldn't have done it harshly like I did. She didn't mind, I guess she was used to people telling her she screwed things up. We all did our cards, and it was just another incident. But it burned through my mind. I can recall the number of times I made a mistake in class, whether in recitation or on a project, and how the response of the teacher either made me shrink further into my shell or bloom and be more creative.

I shouldn't have done that. Gah. Even if the teacher was there and she heard me, it was okay because my teacher is also like that. But that's just it. I don't want to be that kind of teacher. I want to be the teacher who allows them to make their own mistakes and learn from them, without crushing their spirit. I want them to try things without being overly afraid of making a mistake.

I don't want them to be like most of us, too afraid of rejection and making mistakes, that it just about curtailed all our creativity. I'm disheartened that I lost my patience. Maybe it's because she didn't listen to me that brought it out. Or maybe because I was frustrated. But that's just it. I have to trained myself not to be negative. To let them bloom on their own time.

Now I don't know how to make it up to Margarita or to the girls who heard me tell Margarita she didn't do it right. I don't know how to erase those words of negativity and encourage them again to create, make mistakes, and tell them that it is okay.

Monday, February 6, 2006

Stainless Longganisa

Finally, I finished reading my first book of the year. Finally, I finished reading a book this year. I was having a hard time finishing reading these books because I'm always sleepy, busy, or just too lazy to think.
I'm not planning to write a review (I'm planning to write something about the movie we saw last Friday...'Proof' where Jake Gyllenhaal and Gwyneth Paltrow's characters said that you do your best work mid 20s and it goes downhill from there --- I'm writing that down, just in case I forget) but okay, I just need to write something about Bob Ong's book, because it struck me as funny and enlightening at the same time.

So.

About dreaming, and about realizing those dreams. I can relate. I quit my high paying corporate job in a multinational company because I want to teach. I was torn then. I was torn between maintaining the lifestyle I've grown accustomed to, to giving myself a chance, a shot at my dream. I was afraid that I'm not really cut out to be a teacher, not really good enough, so on and so forth. Even my mother seems to think so. And it eats at you. Those remarks. Someone as close to you as your mother does not think you are good enough. And then, I studied. I relied on my diminishing bank account and my parent's support for two years and after that, I tried applying for teaching jobs.

I applied to two good schools and I was rejected. I was devastated. I can hear my mother's voice in my head telling me i'm not good enough of a teacher. I should go back to sales, where I can earn more and live the high life. I wasn't even asking myself at that point why I continue to do this. Just that I have to give myself a chance. I owe it to myself.

Others try their whole life to reach their goals. What's three years of my life?

I tried another branch of education. I work now with special children. And I think, I believe, (still crossing my fingers though, and still putting my hand over my ears to hear no evil), that this is it. I can do this for a long time. I want to do this for a long time. It's frustrating as hell, but the rewards are great. They spit at you, bite you, get your food, and goes off into their own world for hours at end, but seeing them learn, even just how to tie a ribbon, is a reward into itself.

But of course, I have other dreams.

I dream of travelling the world. And getting rich. Just so I can travel the world. If i can be poor and still travel and teach, then that would be fine. But i have to have at least a well-paying job in order to travel. Some dreams of having families of their own, they can see it in their mind, their wedding, their future children and so and so. Me, more than dreaming of families (probably because i'm already losing hope in that area) I dream of pictures of me in front of the pyramids in Giza, the Angkor Wat in Phnom Penh, and the Coliseum in Rome. I dream of me, saying bye bye to students and telling them, I'll be seeing them tomorrow or on Monday. I have a picture in my head of being a teacher in some foreign country, just because I want to try living outside. Not to stay there for good, just to try if i can make it in 2-4 years in a country where there is no tosilog, squid balls, crispy pata, kare kare, adobo, afritada and giniling.

And I already know that visualization is key. That's why i keep trying to visualize about meeting Gale, to no avail. Anyway, before I bought Mad Max, I rode the LRT everyday and everyday I dream of owning a car. I was working in a company where life is comfortable but the idea of owning a car through salary deduction was farfetched (because there will be no salary left if everything is deducted), but I dream. So (and I can remember this clearly...) I was in Greenhills that Christmas season, and I bought a windshield visor, with Marvin the Martian on it. Four months later I was in another company and just waiting for my time to be qualified to have a car. One year after I bought Marvin the Martian, I was already driving Mad Max.

(Now i know i've got to buy that winter coat. I just have to.)

Anyway, going back to Stainless Longganisa. It was a good read. As I've said, Bob Ong, as always, is funny and enlightening and he makes you feel like you need to raise your flag and show it to the world and alongside it, raise your head and tell the world that you are a Filipino.

I can definitely do that.

Monday, January 23, 2006

If I Could Read Minds...

...I would want to know...

...What goes on inside my teacher's mind as we were left in the air, because she was absent and didn't notify or tell anyone anything.

...What my previous students (from another class) think of my new ones (darryl, josie, weng and irene)

...What Jonathan is thinking of trying to slash his wrist with scissors just because Camille didn't want to give him her picture.

...What went on Mrs. Borja and Mrs. Elamparo's mind when faced with a situation like Jonathan's.

...What Eleanor is planning to do after practicum. I know what I want but I am at a loss on how to proceed. and Eleanor is already planning her trip to Africa's volunteer camps.

...What Josie thinks of Jonathan trying to slash his wrist. Hope she doesn't get any ideas. I hope no one in our two classes (it was combined today because our teacher was absent) got any ideas.

...Where does Liza thinks I'm going to get P8k for a trip to Coron Palawan? I really, really want to go (palawan has been on my list since...forever!), but I think I have to let go of the idea before I dig myself an early debt grave.

...What everyone thinks of my manip boyfriend, GALE. Wee!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

I can only dream...

...and do manips on Adobe Photoshop. Tee hee.



I'm still dreaming. Damn. If only Adobe has magic that can make manips come true. I'm a newbie at making manips but who cares? As long as he's with me and we look good and happy together...wee! Dreams are certainly made of this.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Bespren Remcy

Spent the better part of my day talking to my bespren, remcy. I went online this morning at around 9 and we talked over the phone for more than half an hour, then spent the next 4 hours chatting online. As our usual, before the distance get the better of us, we spent it dissecting the ways and means and meanings behind the guy's actions.

I didn't know i have the wrong cellphone no. so i got her new one and landline, just in case, it was me who needs someone to talk to. The whole experience made my resolve to go out of the country stronger, since getting out and working abroad means better pay and better pay means i can visit rems and ria or maybe if i dream hard enough, get to work in new york...or london.

Rems would prefer new york though as it's nearer. I would settle for anywhere in the east coast as it will give Rems and me a chance to see each other more often and with Ria, the 3 of us will be in the same time line at least.

Maybe, as Liza puts it, it will be hard, as homesickness will ensue, but i hope i can be adventurous enough, to look forward to a new life.

Hopefully, (i'm crossing all my fingers here) i get the chance, not only to dream, but to live this reality.

Sunday, January 8, 2006

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

New Diary

So.

I just opened another livejournal account. and i think i like it better. it has pictures! wee! anyway, go visit. i'll put all nonsensical, inconsequential stuff there, so i'll probably update there more often and put the more serious, more read-worthy notes here.

i hope i can distinguish.

tee hee.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

Confidence

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
- Henry David Thoreau

A friend asked me earlier today why I wasn't teaching yet. I kept quiet because I'm conflicted on how to answer this question. I tried looking for work last summer break, but I didn't know if I tried hard enough. I got rejected twice and made a fool of myself twice during demo that I was disheartened to continue searching and looking and simply gave up trying.

Twice.

I wonder if that counts as trying hard enough.

I'm in denial. Of course not. It was a measly effort, minuscule in comparison with the determination I pursued this dream of being able to teach. What the hell was I doing?

So, during Christmas break, when I was feeling afraid again, on the verge of quitting again, because my confidence in demo teaching is on the negative, I tried talking to myself and telling myself I just have to get through this. And I can spread my wings and look for greener pastures.

Wherever those wings will take me, I hope I can settle down and find what I am looking for.

Sunday, January 1, 2006

New Year Meme

* got this from a livejournal I visit everyday...

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Dami...but the most memorable will be the travels to Singapore, Malaysia, Banaue, Batad, and Sagada. Wee!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I made a TO DO list, not exactly a resolution, and I shortened the list this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Chewy

5. What countries did you visit?
Singapore and Malaysia (unless virtual travel counts and then it would probably be pretty much every country.)

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Money and Boyfriend

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Hmm, birthday?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
At least we tried to venture into Bazaars.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't like to think of that as a failure...so none.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thank God

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Queer as Folk DVDs (ay si Liza yata bumili non for me...hehe)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Politicians, celebs, and Kris Aquino (kahit kailan...)

14.Where did most of your money go?
I didn't have any. But anyway, travel, some clothes, and the rest to books.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going out of the country. Yey!

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
The Pinoy Big Brother Song

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
Heavier. I think...

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise. especially before going to Batad...

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Binge

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Already done. Spent it with family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Ah ...no.

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Queer as Folk, House,MD, CSIs,

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I hated Kris Aquino then too.

26. What was the best book you read?
Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman, and re-reading of CS Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia (uhm, are those both from this year? well, let's assume they are.)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Doesn't really fit the question but I discovered that I wasn't listening to current music anymore, keep listening to music from the past. And that I would love to have an ipod, especially on long bus rides.

28. What did you want and get?
See blog of Christmas wish list...

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (best of the entire series...)

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was depressed because I was fat and lonely so I binge some more...vicious cycle, really.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having both things I mentioned in #6.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Pretty much in clad in red or pink or something that is particularly slimming.

34. What kept you sane?
Daydreaming about Brian Kinney/ Gale Harold.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Duh, Gale Harold

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Hmm, gas regulations and additional tax for petroleum products.

37. Who did you miss?
Rems, Ria, RV and Jerry...old friends who are no longer in Manila

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Gah, probably SPED classmates and Angel.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
If you dilly-dally, Time will leave you behind.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Can't think of one particular song...maybe...

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.