Dreadful

I promised myself not to jinxed the month of August by kicking it off with a whine and a bad case of dreadful feelings. But I can't help it. Last night, loneliness was triggered just by reminders of weddings and couples going to weddings. Today, I'm officially 2 months closer to being 29, single, alone and leading an unexciting life. Gah!

August feels like the calm before the storm, like there's something worse coming. Am I going to fall into depression, at the onset of my 29th year? Am I setting myself up for a great big embarrassment after August? What is it? I don't know, I just have this feeling...How can I not complain? You tell me.

Or am I just being extra paranoid, given my circumstances? Nothing exciting ever happens to me, so why am I being a paranoid fool?

Existing

I feel like I'm floating. Life has no direction, and no purpose but to exist. I love what I'm doing. Studying that is. But I'm not proud that I can no longer fit in my friends' world. They go to work, get highly paid, and spend it all on vacations, gadgets, clothes and a hundred-bucks coffee. Me, I can while away my life reading stuff over the internet, watching movies, and going to my classes.

Gah. Sometimes, I hate reminders of reality. Like invitations to weddings, baptism and so on and so forth. It just reminds me of what I don't have and I don't welcome the reminder. I like to believe that life is going to get better round the bend. My life's not bad or worse, it's just...bland, boring and non-exciting. I like to go to new places, meet new people and try something I haven't done before.

We don't always get what we want in life. I think I should just be content that I'm semi-contented, if there's such a thing. Halfway there, so to speak. Maybe the trick is learning to love what I have and not constantly look what's on the other side. I know that's the trick, but I can't wrapped my brain around it enough to send the message to my discontented soul.

Maybe I should just shut up and do something instead of whining here.

Relatively Quiet

Silence is not a companion I would often like to have. I cannot sit still and be silent for longer than it takes me to sleep. Oh yes, I can be silent. Not talking, if that's what you mean. But I'm often talking in my head. Call me psychotic, but my greatest companion is myself.

I don't like being silent, because for me, thoughts often accompany silence. And I don't like to think much, these days. I think about things a lot before, but now, I relatively would like to stay quiet and not think, not think much at all. Not think of the mediocrity that is my life, nor the tumultuous situation of our country or the uncertainty of the future, both mine and this country. Silence does not often give comfort. It does not bring forth good, happy feelings. And I avoid negative feelings like the plague. I have enough of that for a lifetime, thank you.

I haven't learned how to be silent. I wanted to. I really do. I wanted to learn because I think the best things in life are unspoken, left unsaid, communicated in scorching gazes, meaningful smiles, tender touches, loving gestures. I always envy those people in the movies that get together, under the rain, with just a shrug and a smile. How can two people bridge any animosity and find true love, under the cold harsh rain, with just an apologetic shrug and a forgiving smile? And how did I, just by watching, interpreted that shrug to mean an apology and that smile to mean forgiveness? What if that shrug means 'what the hell, I cannot find anybody else, so I'd like to get back with you' and that smile means 'i hope you're apologizing because if you're not, you'll be sorry.'?

I think i'm bad at body language. I often misinterpret things. I immediately think of the most romantic meaning it can hold. Or sometimes, the pessimist in me, immediately jumped to the worst conclusions. Because I cannot simply let it be, and be silent and accept things for what they are.

How I wish I could. Be silent, I mean.

I wonder when I could a massage?

Second-guessing JKR

Warning: contains SPOILERS for HP & HBP, and just babbling on and on....so no need to read if you're not a fan.

After spending 8 hours last night that lasted until the wee hours of the morning, I'm finally done with the sixth Harry Potter book. There are two thoughts running around in my head. The first would be: Gah! Harry/Ginny??? Blech! and 'I wasn't expecting that!' I'll leave the explanation for first thought later (still leaving a bad taste in my mouth) and go full ahead into the second thought.

I was so sure, so sure that Half-Blood Prince will refer to either Harry or Voldemort when I first heard of the title months ago. Then, when Harry got the Potions book, I was then sure that it was Voldemort's, completely ignoring the fact that Voldemort hates any reference to his half-blood true identity. I was just so sure, you see, the only the two of them will warrant that much importance and attention, and this is the sixth book, where the cliffhangers are everywhere and you can almost throw the book in frustration because we'll wait another year or so for the last book. Oh well, that's the good aspect of this book. Cliffhangers, adventures, death and mayhem, Draco owning a chapter (whee! said my little Drakey Poo) and twists and turns worthy of any great conspiracy or suspense thriller book. Love it.

I love the fact that I was still surprised even in the last chapter. I was glad that so many questions had been answered and still amazed that JKR had popped more questions and more mysteries than ever before. (Is Snape really bad? Or was he under some sort of curse? Will Harry ever understand Dumbledore's motives regarding Snape? What was Dumbledore thinking? Why was he begging, pleading? What are the other 4 Horcruxes? Where could they be? Who's holding them? How will Harry manage from now on? Who will lead the Order now?) Endless. Endless questions.

But I was expecting Dumbledore or Hagrid to be dead. I'm secretly glad I can still make good guesses after JKR tossed most of my most adamant, seemingly fool-proof ones out of the window. Anyway, just between the two of us, you know -- I'm not that fond of Dumbledore so I'm okay with him being dead. He doesn't give Harry enough credit to tell him anything. And anyway, what's up with Harry? Are all teenage boys like that? So incredibly stupid you can hit him with a sledgehammer and still thinks the world is bowing down at their feet? I know JKR is just letting Harry be a teenager and all that, that's why I'm wondering if all teenage boys are like that. Probably. I can name several men my age who still act like that at our age (and if I get to know more men, I believe those numbers will increase. The not-so-bright ones are probably growing in number like Gremlins under a heavy rain.) ...nope, not being the angsty and heroic Harry, just being the overly stupid, full of himself and not thinking of consequences Harry.

And now, I'd like to rant about this Harry/ Ginny thing. Okay, okay. From the time that I saw Lily in the movies and knowing Ginny, there have been certain parralel characteristics. They even look alike in the movies! Gah! And people are constanly referring to how Harry seem so much like her father, so as most fiction goes, I know that it is inevitable. Harry with Ginny.

But like so many fans of books, you create your own universe out of this great universe that one author had created for you. So that's what I did. With the help of online communities and fanfiction, I have become anti-Ginny. (This is a public blog so I will not admit which pairing regarding Harry I am rooting for the most. tee hee.) She's so ....bland. No distinct character trait that is supposed to be helping Harry win against Voldemort. Unlike Hermione's brilliance and Ron's loyalty, Ginny is supposed to be feisty (standing up to her brother constantly), and intelligent and good at quidditch and all. But, (and I don't know if it's because of the influence of fanfiction) I still find her bland. She's just someone who was put there to enhance Harry's hero status. A beauty and brains kind of girl, fit for our hero. Gah! Why can't JKR introduce a more interesting character ?(I know I won't get my wish of his partner, but I'd rather a new character than the cliche Ginny Weasley) Maybe another magical being? A Veela? A blond girl (to compliment Harry's dark hair) seemingly steeped with Dark Magic, brilliant at Potions and Dark Arts, indifferent about the Weasley's and not overly impressed with Harry's hero status? Why can't JKR do this?!?! You know, make a girl version of Draco? I'm glad though that Harry broke up with Ginny. (Yes!!! *do the reggae dance*)

Okay, this has gone on long enough. I won't talk about this anymore. I'll go back to reading fanfiction and forget the fact that i'm teetering in suspense for what will happen in the next book.

Word for the Day

mitty

(MIT-ee) noun

An ordinary, timid person who indulges in daydreams involving great adventures and triumphs.

That's me...except for the timid bit. I like daydreaming about winning something or the other, traveling the world, exploring and having grand and great adventures. And I was just so surprised when I opened my daily email subscription, that there's a word to call what I almost am. Mitty.


p.s.
i've been holding my copy of HP & HBP since this morning. I went to class with it and now that I'm home, I don't want to rush. I want my reading to last as long as possible. Gah! But I know that when I start, I won't stop.

so until tomorrow...that's all I can probably talk about.

Haikus

falling

Oh, I did not try
One glance, a road underneath,
Next, it was sky.



longing

i lurked in shadows
hopeless, desperate, consumed
with the entire you.



hoping

sometimes, i still hope
but even Hope fades away
me, i still linger.



love

i fell, hoped, for you
for just one chance, just a chance
to let us begin.

Moving On

*Major rant ahead, more than my usual. I warned you.

Just when I was getting over myself, or finally smiling and okay with my world, someone shoved a newspaper infront of me and i literally have to lie down just to be able to take in all that's happening in our country. Gah! I don't need more concerns, or more problems, i have enough of my own.

I am quietly despairing and hoping to fix myself by being okay to be single and alone forever. Do you know how hard that must be for someone who always fancy herself to be in love with someone dashing and splendid most of her teenage life? I am beginning to be okay with it, thanks to prayers and major begging of strength from Him, but i'm this close, this close to tearing my hair off because the desperation is always triggered by minor, inconsequential things, like an ugly couple holding hands, and I will think I'm prettier by I'm not holding anybody's hand. How unfair can the world get? And all the girls my age are getting married? What's with this marrying spree? Where did this come from? It's a deadly conspiracy to drive single women nearing 30 out of the country. I swear that if I'm the only one left, I'll do anything in my power to leave the country, even for a short time, just enough to be sane again. Volunteer work, here I come!

Then, I'm moving slowly career-wise. I still have until March and I'm taking up SPED classes this sem and the next. But still, I fear that I'm not a good teacher. I can't project my voice enough to be heard by the whole roomful of people and I can't seem to get over my nervousness as i look at the children, expecting a whole lot of me. I'm ranting now because I saw this classmate of mine, who's already a teacher, fumbled his way into the class, reporting nonsense and trying to muddle his way through his reporting by summoning every memory of every special child he's ever run into and telling the whole class about it. No definitions, no examples, no categories, only observations, thank you very much. I'm disgusted and wanted to shout again of unfairness because this, this sorry excuse of a student, is a teacher???

Okay, so maybe these are minor concerns for you, but they are major problems of mine. And then I'll see the newspapers containing all these power-hungry politicians squabbling over a despairing, poor country like children. Actually, I agree wholeheartedly with the email of jawbreaker which is going around the net, only tax payers should vote. Get rid of all those 'masa' who's only concern is who can pay them the most and not the future of our country. Annihilate all politicians. Period. Aveda kedavra all corrupt government officials and employees as they are not helping in the least. And lastly, anyone who calls for people power again? Shoot them on the spot. No more please. Are we always going to resort to that to be rid of someone we don't like? then let's not waste our money and resources for elections if we're always going to change leaders anytime we like it.

Gah. I don't like ranting about politics. I like to stick by rules of no religion and no politics, so we can have a good conversation in peace. But just bear with me on this one entry. I just have to get it off my chest.

There, I'm done. Hopefully, our country isn't.

Middle Child

I had learned to live with it. Being a middle child, that is. I had to or else I'll be sick in the head. You'd think it was only the child's unhappy memories of childhood, but that is the main reason why I decided to become a teacher and why I'm so afraid sometimes that I'll scar a child forever.

Because I was.

The problem with being a middle child is that no one really notices you, unless you've done something really really wrong, and then they'll chalk it all up to you starving for attention. And they'll leave it at that. They never ask why you are starving for attention. I can hole myself up the whole day in my room and no one will bother to look for me. Oh, they are used to it by now, and they know better than to go knocking on my door when it is locked, but when you are child, and you locked yourself up in your room, day in and day out and no one even calls you for dinner time, it sends a message to your brain, and to your heart.

And the thing is, no matter how much you understand, it never really eases the pain.

I love psychology, and my interest started when I was asking myself why. I was starting my teenage years and I was already studying psychology without knowing it. I looked up everything I can find, why people do what they do. And I know it's not my parents' fault, and it's not mine, but deep-rooted insecurities has to come from somewhere and me, I know it came from feeling unwanted, and unloved my whole childhood years.

Oh, I know some people are worse off than what I've lived through. Some people get beaten, and told in the face that they are unwanted. I wasn't one of those. But I'm also not exaggerating. I can count in the fingers of my one hand the moments I feel loved during those times. Whenever I'm in a dark place, I keep replaying one of those moments in my head, like a broken record, wishing fervently I had more to choose from.

It wasn't until I graduated from college that I started to heal. And not because they changed their ways, or they finally noticed that I'm here, but because I've already accepted my place in my family.

Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. My brother. But when you grow up hungry for love, and attention, you cherish those people who give it to you. That's why I love my sister more than my parents. There, I've said it. Such a taboo thing to say, not to love your parents above everybody else, but that is the truth.

I'm not an easy person to love. My parents didn't have it easy when I was growing up. I was always the bad daughter, the black sheep of the family. And I almost lived up to their expectations of being a black sheep. Until I learned that when you tell someone that they are like this, for example a bad daughter, then, they will believe it themselves and will fulfill that prophecy. It took me years to understand, years to have some semblance of confidence in myself, and years to not hide behind my air of independence anymore.

I don't know what I'll be like if my childhood was happy. If I was indulged my whims, given special attention to, and always hugged. Maybe I won't have so many issues. Maybe I'll be married, or have many achievements. Or maybe I'll be a brat, spoiled rotten, and not know independence if it dance in front of me.

I wouldn't be me if my past wasn't like that. I wouldn't be the person I am now. And there's no use blaming my parents for my unhappy childhood. That much I learned from all those psychology texts I've read in the past.

We all go through this phase once in a while. This feeling of being unloved by the world. I get it almost everyday when I was a child, more when I was a teenager, and less when I became an adult. Today, it was only triggered by a small incident. Mad Max was badly scratched when my dad borrowed him. I was thrown into a panic. Although it was only a scratch, I feel bad that my car got scratched even when I was sitting home alone. And I was asking them if they know someone who can fix him. They looked at me for a second, and then returned to watching TV as if I'm some sort of bother asking for a loose change or something.

I know, I know. It's such a little thing. But it's little things like that that filled my childhood with misery and it was just such a glaring reminder of how it was back then that I locked myself now in this room and write. And I know they don't realized how much Mad Max means to me. I didn't get to save anything because for 2 years I was paying for Mad Max. They were not even planning to let me drive, so I took it upon myself to look for a job that will get me a car, so I can be independent. And I didn't get one ounce of support from them. Later, when I quit my job, yes. And that means a lot, and I really appreciate their support, but in the beginning, it was just Mad Max and me.

Funny, how even after so many years, even when I'm already nearing 30, with just one tiny incident of being ignored, it can bring me back to those dark times and place that I thought I already locked up and had thrown away the key.

I didn't know my parents have always had the key.

Thinking Ahead

"At twenty years of age, the will reigns; at thirty the wit; at forty the judgment." - Benjamin Franklin

I'm already planning what I will do with my 30s because I feel, with my upcoming 29th birthday, that it'll come faster than I can say 'Happy Birthday to me!' Like any person my age (or at least, I'd like to think we all traveled this merry, crazy road), I feel like I wasted my youth on nonsensical things. Climbing the corporate ladder serving idiot bosses, spending more than a hundred pesos on coffee from Starbucks everyday, getting fat and unhealthy, and wasting time talking about the latest office gossip, day in and day out. It has been like that for half of my twenties, until I decided to quit.

I didn't know that I will feel more insecure because I suddenly have no salary, am dependent on my mother, and I basically went back on the feeling of those 5 months after college graduation when I'm neither a student nor an employee. I'm studying now, and I'm looking at my options on what I can do when I'm 30. I've wasted my 20s and I don't want to do that to my 30s. I'm going to live the life I wanted, and by hook or by crook, I'm going to do it.

I don't have highly ambitious dreams, nor am I expecting to reach all my goals, but I wanted to be able to try and I wanted to be able to look back ten years from now and there won't be any regrets at all.

I just want to travel, at least to my top ten destinations. I want to own a business, even if it will not make me rich, at least it will give me fulfillment. And I want to look young and stay young. Vanity it is. I have no problems being 30, (tell me I said that when October comes) but I want to look 27 at least. Most of all, I wanted to experience life. And all that it has to offer.

I was watching the International Olympic Committee award the 2012 Olympics to London and that's 7 years from now. I realized they are already planning an event 7 years from now 2 years ago. And here I am, still hoping I can shed some pounds before my friend's wedding on September. So I decided I'm not going to make the same mistake of wasting valuable time on useless things.

At the top of my head, here's what I wanted to do. First and foremost, I want to eat healthy, lose unwanted body fat, and drink lots of water so my skin will look younger. Then, I'll find ways to make each day interesting, always look for a new friend, never forget old ones, and indulge my parents and my grandmother. I will not stop my email subscription of new words every day, new quotes and words of wisdom, and I will always marvel at the sensation of how good it is to rest, lie down on my bed and be alone for at least 2 hours everyday. These things I can do immediately and will continue to do so.

When I reach my 30s, I'm planning to have my own business, no matter how small, just that it's my own. I wanted to help, whether volunteer for international organizations, in churches, or just helping special children, I just wanted to do my part. Next year, maybe I can already take my Master's Degree. There's so much to learn so I won't stop being a student. No matter how lowly people look down on me.

Of course, after watching the London people celebrating their victory over Paris in the bid, I want to visit Beijing in 2008 and London in 2012. The fact that those two cities are in my list is definitely a bonus. Travel the Philippines, arm with only my camera and my mind's eye, as I wonder how Filipinos always managed to botch things up even with a country this beautiful.

Am I planning to get married? Who knows if that is in my future or not. Am I planning to live abroad, and leave the country for good? I can live abroad and work and save, but I will never leave the country for good. Even if they let me live with Daniel, or Eminem or Matt Damon as incentive. I can only plan, but I'm not so rigid that I'm no longer flexible. There'll be lots of disappointments, road blocks and difficulties. And I'm prepared for them. I'm also prepared to change my plans if I change my mind. I wouldn't be me if I'm not constantly changing my mind.

Lastly, I will live with Christ in my heart, because I'm so far from reaching all these things, as poor as I am, that Faith certainly plays a big part in living a life of happiness, contentment and fulfillment, whether I am 30, 50, or 70.

When It Rains, It Pours

It was raining the whole day.

I woke up early despite the calls of my bed to burrow further in the blanket wrapped around me. This is one of my most favorite things in the world. Rainy, bed weather, warm blanket and I don't have to get up for work or school.

But of course, I'm torn between warm blanket and breakfast and greeting the world a good morning. So I got up, had breakfast and turned on the computer so I can start typing my report.
I have a short attention span when it comes to work, but I managed to write my whole paper and needless to say, it was already nearing lunchtime and I didn't have time for exercise anymore. Anyway, I wasn't really planning to exercise today, but it would've been a great feat if I managed to.

My happy mood changed drastically when I was on my way to school and there it was, terrible traffic. Bumper to bumper, and not moving an inch. I moved for a meter in 15 mins. and I was running late for class. When I managed to extricate myself from all the trucks in Rd 10, I thought I could still make it. Until of course, with my rotten luck, I ended up at the back of a slow-moving Lancer. Gah! No matter, I thought everyone in my class will be late anyway.

But my classmate sent me a text message asking where I was because we are having a quiz! Oh come on. I really thought, this is not happening to me! It took me double the amount of time to get to school and I'm going to miss a quiz? I'm no nerd, but since quizzes are far and few in between, I need all that I can get. Shucks, I'm running late, a slow-moving vehicle in front of me and I managed to get all the red signals. Great. Just great!

And! It didn't end there. I couldn't find a good parking spot, so I had to park way out into the parking lot, a long way from the entrance, and I had to run to the classroom, which is three buildings away from the entrance. Of course, because it just is the day that I'm really really unlucky, when I get to the classroom, my jeans were wet, my hair dishevelled, and I'm panting like a dog.

Suddenly, the rain stopped. I looked up to the teacher and my classmates who all turned to look at me when I enterd the classroom. Dare I hope?

The teacher waited for me and I managed to take the quiz.

When it rains, it pours. But sometimes, even for an hour or so, the rain stops to let a little Hope in.

All I Can Say

All I can say is that the politicians in this country are driving everyone insane with their greedy talks and empty platitudes. Gah!

I haven't read the newspaper in a while, I just glanced at the head lines and I will suddenly lose interest. I have this habit of ignoring and/ or going as far away from negative things and negative people as possible. That's why I avoid the newspapers these days like the plague. Here we are, leading our own miserable lives, and the newspapers, media are having a heyday brandishing any scandal, any negative comments of some unknown politician who wants to get a piece of the pie, in effect, further demoralizing Filipinos along the way.

I badly needed to get out and that's what we did last Friday night.

We went to Xaymaca, and watched brown man revival (I forgot the way they write their name and i'm too lazy to look for my cd) and it was great. The atmosphere was free and happy and everyone is gently swaying to the beat of the reggae music. My kind of gimick. But I don't think my friends enjoyed it as much as I did. Hopefully they did. But then, it's just an escape. Going out, not reading the newspapers, and not watching the news on TV, these are all escapes. But I cannot escape the ugly reality of this country's downfall - greedy politicians. They are literally everywhere. scattered and preying on weak minds and even weaker spirits.

This morning, when we attended mass, the priest said that amidst the bleakness, the darkness, if one turns to the Lord, one would see light, a spark of hope.

I think every one of us in that chapel is listening and thinking the same thing. The priest already gave us hope by showing us the way. I guess He's only waiting for us to come to our senses. I'm just praying that we Filipinos would learn to think for ourselves and not rely too much on what other people are saying.

I hope this time around we will learn our lesson.

The Little Prince

You are the pilot.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
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