Guilt

One day to go and I lost it.

I've been doing really well, according to my standards. I haven't lost my patience...not once, and haven't said anything bad or negative to any of my students the entire two and half months.

And just when I was about to say goodbye, I lost it. I ruined my personal record.

I was teaching them how to make a pop-up Valentine card. So I gave them a pattern and one by one, I taught them how to cut the pattern, just by tracing the pattern on the paper. I repeated my instructions four or five times to Margarita (she's one of the more capable ones, who follows instructions easily enough), and showed her twice how to do it (still, you have to take into consideration that instructions should be demonstrated and repeated), before I let her cut the pattern herself. She wasn't listening to me, just kept nodding and saying she knows how to do it, and how I'm so makulit.

And of course, she did it all wrong. And that's when I broke my record. I told her she didn't do it right, and we have to repeat. I could've asked her first if she followed my instructions, or if she had forgotten something, before pointing out the mistake, and I shouldn't have done it harshly like I did. She didn't mind, I guess she was used to people telling her she screwed things up. We all did our cards, and it was just another incident. But it burned through my mind. I can recall the number of times I made a mistake in class, whether in recitation or on a project, and how the response of the teacher either made me shrink further into my shell or bloom and be more creative.

I shouldn't have done that. Gah. Even if the teacher was there and she heard me, it was okay because my teacher is also like that. But that's just it. I don't want to be that kind of teacher. I want to be the teacher who allows them to make their own mistakes and learn from them, without crushing their spirit. I want them to try things without being overly afraid of making a mistake.

I don't want them to be like most of us, too afraid of rejection and making mistakes, that it just about curtailed all our creativity. I'm disheartened that I lost my patience. Maybe it's because she didn't listen to me that brought it out. Or maybe because I was frustrated. But that's just it. I have to trained myself not to be negative. To let them bloom on their own time.

Now I don't know how to make it up to Margarita or to the girls who heard me tell Margarita she didn't do it right. I don't know how to erase those words of negativity and encourage them again to create, make mistakes, and tell them that it is okay.

Stainless Longganisa

Finally, I finished reading my first book of the year. Finally, I finished reading a book this year. I was having a hard time finishing reading these books because I'm always sleepy, busy, or just too lazy to think.

I'm not planning to write a review (I'm planning to write something about the movie we saw last Friday...'Proof' where Jake Gyllenhaal and Gwyneth Paltrow's characters said that you do your best work mid 20s and it goes downhill from there --- I'm writing that down, just in case I forget) but okay, I just need to write something about Bob Ong's book, because it struck me as funny and enlightening at the same time.

So.

About dreaming, and about realizing those dreams. I can relate. I quit my high paying corporate job in a multinational company because I want to teach. I was torn then. I was torn between maintaining the lifestyle I've grown accustomed to, to giving myself a chance, a shot at my dream. I was afraid that I'm not really cut out to be a teacher, not really good enough, so on and so forth. Even my mother seems to think so. And it eats at you. Those remarks. Someone as close to you as your mother does not think you are good enough. And then, I studied. I relied on my diminishing bank account and my parent's support for two years and after that, I tried applying for teaching jobs.

I applied to two good schools and I was rejected. I was devastated. I can hear my mother's voice in my head telling me i'm not good enough of a teacher. I should go back to sales, where I can earn more and live the high life. I wasn't even asking myself at that point why I continue to do this. Just that I have to give myself a chance. I owe it to myself.

Others try their whole life to reach their goals. What's three years of my life?

I tried another branch of education. I work now with special children. And I think, I believe, (still crossing my fingers though, and still putting my hand over my ears to hear no evil), that this is it. I can do this for a long time. I want to do this for a long time. It's frustrating as hell, but the rewards are great. They spit at you, bite you, get your food, and goes off into their own world for hours at end, but seeing them learn, even just how to tie a ribbon, is a reward into itself.

But of course, I have other dreams.

I dream of travelling the world. And getting rich. Just so I can travel the world. If i can be poor and still travel and teach, then that would be fine. But i have to have at least a well-paying job in order to travel. Some dreams of having families of their own, they can see it in their mind, their wedding, their future children and so and so. Me, more than dreaming of families (probably because i'm already losing hope in that area) I dream of pictures of me in front of the pyramids in Giza, the Angkor Wat in Phnom Penh, and the Coliseum in Rome. I dream of me, saying bye bye to students and telling them, I'll be seeing them tomorrow or on Monday. I have a picture in my head of being a teacher in some foreign country, just because I want to try living outside. Not to stay there for good, just to try if i can make it in 2-4 years in a country where there is no tosilog, squid balls, crispy pata, kare kare, adobo, afritada and giniling.

And I already know that visualization is key. That's why i keep trying to visualize about meeting Gale, to no avail. Anyway, before I bought Mad Max, I rode the LRT everyday and everyday I dream of owning a car. I was working in a company where life is comfortable but the idea of owning a car through salary deduction was farfetched (because there will be no salary left if everything is deducted), but I dream. So (and I can remember this clearly...) I was in Greenhills that Christmas season, and I bought a windshield visor, with Marvin the Martian on it. Four months later I was in another company and just waiting for my time to be qualified to have a car. One year after I bought Marvin the Martian, I was already driving Mad Max.

(Now i know i've got to buy that winter coat. I just have to.)

Anyway, going back to Stainless Longganisa. It was a good read. As I've said, Bob Ong, as always, is funny and enlightening and he makes you feel like you need to raise your flag and show it to the world and alongside it, raise your head and tell the world that you are a Filipino.

I can definitely do that.